The New York City Bartender's Joke Book by Jimmy Pritchard Page A

monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts wandering around and ends up on top of the pool
table. The bartender watches as the monkey picks up the eight ball, puts it in his mouth, and swallows it.
    The bartender is furious. “That eight ball is the owner’s pride and joy! It’s made of pure ivory and has been in his family
for generations!” He kicks the guy and his monkey out of the bar.
    Two weeks later, the guy and his monkey return to the bar and he gives the bartender the eight ball, all cleaned up,
as good as new, and he apologizes.
    As the guy is talking to the bartender, the monkey picks up a peanut from a bowl, shoves it up his ass, takes it out, and eats
it. The bartender sees this and says to the guy, “
Now
what the hell is the monkey doing?”
    “Oh,” says the guy. “Ever since the eight ball, he just wants to make sure what he is eating!”

    A pony walks into a bar and says, “How about a hot toddy? I’m a little hoarse.”

    An Irish guy walks into a bar and sits down, not saying a word. The bartender sees him and says, “Let me get you a drink.”
    The Irishman says, “I’ll have an Irish whiskey, neat.”
    The bartender gives him his drink, and the Irish guy downs it and starts to leave. The bartender says, “Hey, you owe me
for that drink!”
    “Well, sir,” says the Irish guy, “I don’t believe I owe you anything. You offered it to me.”
    A lawyer sitting at the bar says to the bartender, “Technically, he is correct. He didn’t ask for anything. You offered him the
drink.”
    The bartender is so pissed off that he picks up the Irish guy and throws him out of the bar.
    Three days later, the Irish guy walks back into the same bar and sits down. The bartender says, “Didn’t I throw you out of
here a few days ago?”
    “No, I don’t believe you did,” says the Irish guy.
    “You sure do look like the guy I threw out,” says the bartender.
    “No, I’m not the guy,” says the Irish guy.
    “Well,” says the bartender, “you must have a double!”
    The Irish guy says, “Thank you, make it an Irish whiskey.”

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar.

A blonde is walking past a construction site and sees a help-wanted sign. She walks up to the foreman and says, “I want to
apply for the job.”
    The foreman says, “Well, I need someone with experience.”
    The blonde says, “I have fifteen years of construction experience.”
    The foreman says, “I need someone right now, so I’ll give you a shot. You’ll be working on the ninth floor. If I need anything,
I’ll signal you. You know all the hand signals?”
    “Yes,” says the blonde.
    “Good,” says the foreman. “Go up to the ninth floor. The blueprints and tools are up there.”
    After a few hours, the foreman whistles and the blonde looks down. With hand signals, the foreman points to his eye, then his
knee, and then makes asawing motion with his arm. The blonde responds by pointing to her eye, touching her left breast, and grabbing her crotch.
    The foreman shakes his head and goes to the ninth floor. “I thought you said you knew the hand signals,” he says. “What I was
saying was, I ‘eye,’ need, ‘knee,’ a saw—that was when I moved my arm back and forth. I need a saw!”
    The blonde says, “I know. What I said when I pointed to my eye, then touched my left breast, then grabbed my crotch, was, ‘I
left it in the box’!”

    What’s the difference between a blonde
    and a brick?
    When you lay a brick, it doesn’t follow you
    around for two weeks whining.

    What’s the difference between medium
    and rare?
    Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

    Why do elephants have four feet?
    Eight inches just ain’t enough.

    Why don’t men fake orgasms?
    Because no man would make those faces
    on purpose!

    What do toilets, a clitoris, and an
    anniversary have in common?
    Men miss them all.

    Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
    It’s not real bright, but