The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy

. When a bottom tells a top what she likes, it can feel like ordering the top around, which doesn’t fit with many players’ fantasy roles. Furthermore, many bottoms are embarrassed by their fantasies, and plagued with the belief that whatever it is that they want, it must be too much to ask for. A professional dominatrix of our acquaintance once got so frustrated with a client who would say only “I only want to please you, Mistress,” that she told him facetiously, “Then give me the money and leave; I’ll go to a movie.”
    So how do you get that information without getting out the rubber hose (yet)? There are many ways to support a bottom in expressing his or her desires. Just knowing that you want this information gives your bottom permission to share it. Sometimes it is easier to deal with this information outside scene space, so many tops instruct their bottoms to write a letter expressing their desires and stating limits. In person, but not in scene space, sharing fantasies and ideas can be fun once you both get into it; you can always start by sharing some interest of your own and then inviting your bottom to contribute.
    In scene space, you can order your bottom to communicate and make it part of the play. So your bottom is embarrassed? Goody. You can tie him up and wait until he speaks – and you can wait a long time, if that’s what it takes. You can offer positive feedback: “That’s hot, I like that, what a good idea, mmmmmm nasty!”
    If you and your bottom are in an ongoing D/S relationship, you may need to make special arrangements so that you both can feel free to discuss your desires and fantasies outside your usual roles. E-mail or other written communications might work for this. Or you can establish a special code word to mean “I want to talk to you person-to-person for a while.” Or pick a set time every week for such discussions. Whatever fits for you will probably work, but we think it’s a good idea to make some kind of arrangement in order to support both dominants and submissives in being able to freely and honestly express their wants.
    Bottoms generally like it when tops say what they want: “I want your ass right now, I want to bend you over that table, I really want to see you on your knees in front of me, what a sweet sight.”
    If this is your first time with this partner, do remember to inquire about limits, pain tolerance, safer sex, physical limits like asthma, history of abuse or trauma, contact lenses, muscle and joint problems that might make some positions uncomfortable. Experienced bottoms should know enough to tell you their limits without prompting, but not all bottoms know enough to figure out all their limits without ever having tested them. Regardless of your bottom’s experience level, if you ask it makes it easier – the bottom doesn’t feel so much like she is sitting there with a long list of “don’t do this and don’t do that,” in danger of falling into terminal negativity.
    I- MESSAGES . We have talked before about the damage done to hot play by blaming. Here we would like to introduce an alternative borrowed from the couples-counseling literature: the I-message. Communications experts note that we often speak in you-messages, like “You are making me angry, you should be different, you always give me a hard time when I want to have fun, you never want to do what I want.” The you-message almost always sounds like an accusation or an attack, and the person to whom it is addressed most commonly becomes defensive and tries to explain themselves and why they are not wrong. When they do that they have stopped listening to you.
    The I-message basically means I share something of my internal reality, my feelings, my desires, my thoughts, my beliefs, like: “I feel angry, I would like something to change, I want to have fun, I want to find some things that we both want to do.” The I-message is clearly about our own stuff, and once we make it clear that