The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy Page A

we can be responsible for our stuff and willing to take the risk of sharing it, our partners become free to own their own feelings and problems and desires, and to speak their own truth, from their own tender places near the heart. And we are fond of exposed tender places, aren’t we?
    N EEDY B OTTOMS . Sometimes our roles get in the way of good communication. As tops, we have permission in scene space to be mean, nasty, intrusive and overpowering; similarly, bottoms may go into their own emotional spaces and become childish, dependent, needy and clinging. In real life we often respond to neediness by closing our boundaries and pushing people away, perhaps becoming annoyed and judgmental in the process. In BDSM, while ideally we both get to open our boundaries in a sort of controlled codependence that would not be acceptable in real life, the urge to withdraw in response to neediness can still be strong.
    So how do you find a more constructive way to deal with neediness in scene space? First, you get to have limits. So as a top, if you really hate a particular kind of play that makes your partner seem uncomfortably needy, you can choose not to play that kind of scene.
    If you feel pressured by indirect hints, you can insist that the bottom ask directly for what she wants. This can actually be healing: a person who uses neediness and manipulation may have grown up in a family where there was no straightforward way to get his or her needs met (she learned this behavior somewhere, right?), so getting positive strokes for asking for what she wants can be a wonderful revelation.
    Or you can negotiate a scene that includes neediness or dependency by making an agreement that the bottom will bring in the independent self when asked: “I want to talk with the grown-up now.” It may take a few moments for the bottom to switch states of consciousness, but the ability to switch from roles to reality is worth developing – practice makes perfect.
    B LACK H OLES . “Black hole” is a terribly rude name for bottoms who do not put out enough visible response for you to feel confident that you have any idea what is going on with them. They may or may not be having a good time, but their demeanor is so impassive that you can’t tell. And if you can’t tell what does or does not work for this bottom, without feedback, how can you know when it is safe to proceed? Response is the top’s safety information, and it is also the top’s reward. This is our theater, and the bottom’s response is our applause.
    It’stempting to deal with unresponsive bottoms by judging – this person is a lousy bottom, and I won’t play with him or her again. But what if you like this bottom? What if he is your friend? Your lover?
    Is there anything you can do to make this bottom responsive? Remember that nobody is born knowing how to do this stuff, and anybody can learn. In The New Bottoming Book , we discussed the process of getting a scene off the ground and of finding your turn-on as a bottom, and we recommended acting “as if.” If a bottom breathes hard and works his body, he will actually get more turned on, and provide feedback for you to play against. It doesn’t hurt for the top to model turn-on and interest too – think of all that wonderful gay male porn where the top is always saying “Oooooh, yeah!” in throaty tones. You can breathe hard and grind your groin against your bottom, for example, to get you both turned on and set a good example. Snarl a little.
    And you can always ask for the response you want. Janet says that her bottoms tend to respond with enthusiasm when she leans in close and purrs in their ear, “You know, it would really turn me on to hear you scream…”
    Back when you were negotiating what you were going to do in this scene, perhaps you remembered to ask some questions about how this bottom gets turned on. Suck on the neck? Blow in the ear? Spit in the face? It’s always reassuring when you know what to do.
    You