The Mandates by Dave Singleton

toiletries, which he dismisses as “just a few things I want to leave here in case I ever need them.” This is the first time either of you has brought extra clothes and supplies to a date. What’s the best thing to do?
    Immediately clear out a closet as you weep with tears of
joy.
    Totally freak out and start flinging his undies and shave
cream out the window.
    Start packing
your
bag for
his
house.
    Ask yourself how comfortable you feel with this, then
respond honestly. Talk about what this means exactly in
terms of your relationship.
    6 You are about to have sex with a guy at his place, you both share your HIV-negative status, then he insists on barebacking with you. What do you say?
    Sure, sounds fun. Last time I barebacked was at Camp
Rancho Big Fun in Montana when I was eight.
    Barebacking seems a little risky, right? But you are so
cute and I am so lucky to have caught your eye!
    No, doofus, I am not interested in risking my life for you
or giving in to your demands.
    Saddle up and trot on outta here, cowboy.
    Your ex invites you to his commitment ceremony. 7 What’s the best gift?
    Something from Tiffany! After all, it’s his special day.
    Your support and presence, showing how you have
made peace with him and the cruel way he left you for
this younger, insipid man he’s now marrying.
    Why are you going?!
    Tabasco and Ex-Lax slipped into the au jus prior to
delivery of London broil entrées prepared for the
reception.
    8 After six months, you and your boyfriend decide to be monogamous, only for you to find out after one year that he meant “as long as we’re both in the same state.” Your reaction?
    Understanding. After all,
you
never clarified, did you?
    Questioning. How could you have misjudged his
intentions?
    Unforgiving. He should have said what he wanted up
front. He’s backpedaling now to save his ass.
    Resigned disappointment. Tell him that as far as you’re
concerned, he already is in another state. It’s called
denial. And that you are now in another state as well.
It’s called single.
    9 You respond to a personal ad written by a guy who describes himself as six feet two, 185 pounds, brown hair, blue eyes, athletic, and thirty years old. He shows up for your date, but is gray-haired, wears Coke-bottle glasses, is bony and soft, and at least fifty. What do you say?
    Hi, it’s okay that you lied through your teeth. I am sure
you are a nice person. Coffee?
    You aren’t exactly what I was expecting, but I guess these
on-line dates are all about keeping expectations in check.
    It’s not that you’re twenty years older than you said, or
that you look undeniably different. It’s that you lied to me.
That’s no way to begin either a friendship or a romance.
Ciao.
    Yo, Daddy! Where’s your son, the one I was looking
forward to meeting?
    10 After a particularly bad affair, you decide to lower your standards so that the next one will last. Next thing you know, a mincing, bitter, frosty-haired manicurist named Irwin has moved in with you, filled your home with tacky, bejeweled tapestries, gilded International Male clothes, and cheap Target furniture. After three months, you:
    Accept things as they are. Relationships are about
compromise.
    Tell him that you’re cutting the Target credit card off if
he doesn’t ask you next time he charges $2,000 worth
of crappy lawn chairs. Then you renege and make up
with him.
    Go into therapy ASAP. Keep asking yourself, “Who am
I?” until the small, still voice within says, “You’re an
idiot.”
    Kick his mangy, tired, taste-free butt o-u-t.
    11 You are on date with a guy who keeps popping little white tablets he calls “special breath mints” onto the tip of his tongue after dinner, as he gets increasingly more loving, friendly, and ethereal. He offers you one. You say:
    Oh, thanks. A breath mint that makes me extra happy
would be groovy.
    That doesn’t look like a