The Mandates

The Mandates by Dave Singleton Page A

Book: The Mandates by Dave Singleton Read Free Book Online
Authors: Dave Singleton
Tags: Fiction
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Tic Tac. It’s too round.
    Do you want to watch the
Valley of the Dolls
video
again?
    Lying to me about your ecstasy pill-popping is so
nineties.
    12 You respond to an on-line personal and, after viewing a few pictures and talking a few times by phone, decide to meet the guy. But his pictures don’t do him justice; in person, he looks like Brad Pitt. Yes, you found the one-in-a-million guy who understated his attributes on-line. All of a sudden you feel panicky, so you:
    Get really defensive and insecure while you’re talking
with him. You quickly excuse yourself, head to the men’s
room, and inject yourself with Botox.
    Fawn, drool, and genuflect at his feet. Yep, that’ll make
you look so sexy.
    Stop listening to what he says and imagine the two of
you living on your dream ranch. You’ll have plenty of
time to get to know him later once the ranch is built and
you’ve moved in together.
    Treat him like you would anyone. Anyone you think is
hot, that is. But keep your pride as you lose your
hormonal balance.
    13 It’s been three blissful dates with your dream guy, but you’ve been placing all the calls, making all the exciting plans, and feeding your friends a minute-by-minute account of the romance that’s blossoming in your mind. Meanwhile, you only see him in public places, there’s been nothing physical between you, and he’s canceled twice at the last minute for vague reasons. Your next move?
    Just keep making the moves. Not everyone is as
organized as you!
    Excuse his behavior by rationalizing to yourself that
he’s superbusy and has a really important career and
social life, much more important than yours.
    Realize that you’re driving your “streetcar named
desire” down a one-way, dead-end track.
    Stop calling and making plans, then see what happens.
As obvious as it seems, remind yourself that you only
want to be with someone who likes you.
    14 Everything is going great in your relationship until one day, after you’ve begun to feel comfortable with each other after a few months of dating, you are bored with him and the relationship for the first time. Your immediate reaction is to:
    Wonder what it is that you’ve done wrong. Feel terrible
about yourself.
    Bolt out the gate like a Triple Crown winner.
    Take a little time alone to examine the relationship and
determine if there’s something you want to (and could)
change.
    Tell yourself that it’s natural in a healthy relationship to
have an ebb and flow of desire. Trust that if things are
generally good, this will pass.
    15 On your eighth date with a guy you met at the gym, you discuss the whole “out” issue. Mr. Gym guy says that, yes, he’s out at work “to a guy on the second floor.” Asked if he’s out just “in general,” he responds, “Yes, definitely. I mean, I think so, I don’t discuss it but I don’t hide it. It’d probably surprise a lot of people. They know about the women but not the men.” Finally, when you mention meeting some of your friends for dinner in the gay section of town next weekend, he avoids answering. What do you do?
    Whisper that you’d be happy ordering in Chinese food
alone with him forever, just the two of you.
    Think to yourself how cool it is that he skipped being
gay and went right to being the trendier “postgay.”
    Wonder if you should curb those burgeoning romantic
feelings because you cannot deal with dating another
“straight as a circle” confused case.
    Tell him he’s more closeted than last week’s dry
cleaning. Ask him if he agrees that a healthy
relationship eventually needs to be integrated with
family and friends.
    1 point
    2 points
    3 points
    4 points

PART VI
    Competition! Managing the Inevitable Devil
    (or what to do when it takes a village. . .to keep him hooked)
    You are totally monogamous and want to keep the peace before either of you goes out and gets a

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