The Making of the Representative for Planet 8 by Doris Lessing Page B

said, ‘I sit here feeling myself solid, a weight of matter, dense, with a shape I know every slope and surface of, and my mind is telling me that this is nothing – for I know that through what we have seen with your devices.’
    â€˜What then was there when you came to the minutest item that we can see?’
    â€˜There is a core – of something. Yet that dissolves and dissolves again. And around it some sort of dance of – pulsations? But the spaces between this – core, and the oscillations are so vast, so vast … that I know this solidity I feel is nothing. A shape of mist, I am, a smear of tinted light, as when we see  –  or saw, for we see only snow now, filling the spaces of sunlight – a spread of light with motes floating there. I am, from a perspective of vision very far from my own proper eyes, not dense or solid at all … But Johor, while I can see what it is you have been leading me to say to you, that this heaviness … for I am so heavy, so heavy, so thick and so heavy I can hardly bear it – this heaviness is nothing at all. A shape of light that has in it particles slightly denser in some places than in others. But what my mind knows is of no use to my lumpishness, Johor. What you see of me, with those eyes of yours that belong to another planet, a differently weighted star – I can imagine, for I have seen cells and molecules disappear into a kind of dance, but …’
    â€˜A dance that you modify by how you observe it. Or think of it,’ he remarked.
    The silence that is a listening deepened around us. But the claims of my discomfort and my impatience made me break it. ‘And yet this nothingness, this weight and labour of matter that lies so painfully on us all, is what you work with, Johor, for you sit here, you sit in this freezing place, and what you say is, Don’t let yourselves die yet, make the effort to keep alive – and what you are wanting to keep alive are these bodies, the flesh that disappears when you look at it with different eyes, into a something like motes with the sun on them.’
    Yes, I did sleep then, dropped off, went away, and came back remarking: ‘I have often wondered, when I looked at the tiny oscillations and pulsations that compose us, where, then, are our thoughts, Johor? Where, what we feel? For it is not possible that these are not matter, just as we are. In a universe that is all gradations of matter, from gross to fine to finer, so that we end up with everything we are composed of in a lattice, a grid, a mesh, a mist, where particles or movements so small we cannot observe them are held in a strict and accurate web, that is nevertheless nonexistent to the eyes we use for ordinary living – in this system of fine and finer, where then is the substance of a thought?
    â€˜I watch myself, Johor … I feel myself … inside this mass of liquids and tissues and bones and air which is so heavy, so very heavy, but which is nevertheless nothing, scarcely exists – when I feel anger, does anger blow through the interstices of the mesh and web which is what I know myself to be? Or when I feel pain, or love … or … I say these words, and everyone knows what I mean by anger, by wanting, by loss, and all the rest, but do you have instruments on Canopus that can see them? Can
you
see them, Johor, with those different eyes of yours? Do you see me sitting here, this poor beast Doeg, as a smear of tinted light, changing in colour as rage or fear sweeps through me? Where from, Johor? The substance of our flesh, the matter which makes us, dissolves into – vast spaces, defined by the movements of a dance. But
we
have not yet put fear or loneliness under instruments.’
    I went off to sleep again – into a dream so vivid and satisfying and detailed that it was a world as strongly defined as anything I had known in waking life, on our planet or on any other. The landscape