of years ago but running…. That just started a few days ago.” Laughter bursts from me. “Hey, I’m not THAT bad.”
My laughter settles down to a chuckle. “No, you’re not. But it’s a daily ritual. If you stop, it’s hard to get motivated to get back out there.”
Her face changes from bright to dark with sadness as she looks down at her bottle. “You always told me it gave you some inner peace. Like…. Like you could finally relax, let it take away your frustrations and put you in your own world. I kind of need that.” She looks up at me, her eyes looking into my soul. “Is it still like that, Jase?”
I look down at my knee in its brace and clear my throat. “Yes. More so really.” I look up at her and still see the sadness. “It’s better now. I’m better. Most of the time. It’s still hard, not gonna lie. But I’ve come a long way.”
Her lips turn up into a smile. “I can see that. Coming over yesterday, into the neighborhood, had to be so difficult. What made you do it now?”
“You,” I whisper.
Her eyes widen as her lips part. Shit! I hope I didn’t just fuck that up. “Me?” She whispers back.
I turn to her, reach out and take her hand. “Alena, we’ve always been best friends but did you ever feel anything more? I mean….” I search her eyes, and my heart is beating so fast that I feel like she can see it. “I was always afraid to tell you. I thought…. I thought we might lose what we’d always had but now….”
“Now?” She whispers breathlessly, her eyes intent on mine.
“Now, I think that if I don’t.... If we don’t take a chance then we’ll never know what could have been.” I look down at our hands that are now clasped together and shake my head. “I’ve always run from everything. When I lost Liv….” I look back up and into her eyes again, which are now wet with tears. “Then you went away and I didn’t try hard enough to stay in contact. I felt a different kind of loss.”
“No, Jase. I….”
I reach over with my other hand and place two fingers against her soft lips. Her eyes close with my touch, and it makes my feelings coarse through me even harder. “Shhh. I’ve not lived life for a long time, Alena.” Her eyes open and a single tear falls onto her cheek. “I’ve only now returned back to the living.” My thumb moves up and wipes away her tear then I remove my fingers from her lips and release her hand, looking down as I fold mine in my lap. “There’s so many things that maybe I’m too late for, maybe I waited too long to try to keep ahold of.” My eyes snap to her, and I try to give a small smile. “But I hope not.” I was waiting for the speech about how she didn’t have feelings for me in that way or how she’d moved on, and I had no chance in hell. It was just wishful thinking all these years.
She looks up and then around us as the light of day starts to approach causing the focus of the leaves of the trees to be seen. Then she just looks straight ahead, like she’s mesmerized by something or maybe just lost in her thoughts. “So many times I wondered if you felt as I did.” My heart races and I almost feel like it could choke me. “So many times I thought if you did and we actually had that kind of relationship, if something bad happened, or if we had lost our friendship all together, that would hurt me worse than if we hadn’t tried at all.” I’m about to tell her I’ve felt the same way when she turns her head to me. “But lately? All I’ve thought about is how much time has been lost, all the worrying and dread that came from thinking about it, and would it be worth the loss?”
I lean over quickly, without thinking, and press my lips to hers. I thought she would push me away, resist. Instead, I feel her arm move around my neck, her fingers weaving into my hair as our warm lips move with each other’s. I always imagined this moment, wondered what her lips felt like. Tasted like. It’s so much more than I
My laughter settles down to a chuckle. “No, you’re not. But it’s a daily ritual. If you stop, it’s hard to get motivated to get back out there.”
Her face changes from bright to dark with sadness as she looks down at her bottle. “You always told me it gave you some inner peace. Like…. Like you could finally relax, let it take away your frustrations and put you in your own world. I kind of need that.” She looks up at me, her eyes looking into my soul. “Is it still like that, Jase?”
I look down at my knee in its brace and clear my throat. “Yes. More so really.” I look up at her and still see the sadness. “It’s better now. I’m better. Most of the time. It’s still hard, not gonna lie. But I’ve come a long way.”
Her lips turn up into a smile. “I can see that. Coming over yesterday, into the neighborhood, had to be so difficult. What made you do it now?”
“You,” I whisper.
Her eyes widen as her lips part. Shit! I hope I didn’t just fuck that up. “Me?” She whispers back.
I turn to her, reach out and take her hand. “Alena, we’ve always been best friends but did you ever feel anything more? I mean….” I search her eyes, and my heart is beating so fast that I feel like she can see it. “I was always afraid to tell you. I thought…. I thought we might lose what we’d always had but now….”
“Now?” She whispers breathlessly, her eyes intent on mine.
“Now, I think that if I don’t.... If we don’t take a chance then we’ll never know what could have been.” I look down at our hands that are now clasped together and shake my head. “I’ve always run from everything. When I lost Liv….” I look back up and into her eyes again, which are now wet with tears. “Then you went away and I didn’t try hard enough to stay in contact. I felt a different kind of loss.”
“No, Jase. I….”
I reach over with my other hand and place two fingers against her soft lips. Her eyes close with my touch, and it makes my feelings coarse through me even harder. “Shhh. I’ve not lived life for a long time, Alena.” Her eyes open and a single tear falls onto her cheek. “I’ve only now returned back to the living.” My thumb moves up and wipes away her tear then I remove my fingers from her lips and release her hand, looking down as I fold mine in my lap. “There’s so many things that maybe I’m too late for, maybe I waited too long to try to keep ahold of.” My eyes snap to her, and I try to give a small smile. “But I hope not.” I was waiting for the speech about how she didn’t have feelings for me in that way or how she’d moved on, and I had no chance in hell. It was just wishful thinking all these years.
She looks up and then around us as the light of day starts to approach causing the focus of the leaves of the trees to be seen. Then she just looks straight ahead, like she’s mesmerized by something or maybe just lost in her thoughts. “So many times I wondered if you felt as I did.” My heart races and I almost feel like it could choke me. “So many times I thought if you did and we actually had that kind of relationship, if something bad happened, or if we had lost our friendship all together, that would hurt me worse than if we hadn’t tried at all.” I’m about to tell her I’ve felt the same way when she turns her head to me. “But lately? All I’ve thought about is how much time has been lost, all the worrying and dread that came from thinking about it, and would it be worth the loss?”
I lean over quickly, without thinking, and press my lips to hers. I thought she would push me away, resist. Instead, I feel her arm move around my neck, her fingers weaving into my hair as our warm lips move with each other’s. I always imagined this moment, wondered what her lips felt like. Tasted like. It’s so much more than I
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