The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant by Dan Savage
Authors: Dan Savage
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seminar, and were hard at work on our paperwork. Claudia knew we were getting close to acquiring the kid; she had even written a letter of recommendation to the agency.
Maybe she wanted to surprise folks with the news of our baby in the next Christmas newsletter, but not even Terry thought that. He believed the letter was a subtle communication from his mother. She disapproved. When someone “isn't very verbal,” you read their feelings into their actions, and this was an omission that spoke pretty loudly. Terry was upset, but unwilling to ask Claudia about it.
“It wouldn't do any good, and it would make her feel bad,” he said.
“The letter made you feel bad, so why not talk to her about it?” I asked.
Terry thought for a minute.
“When she sees the baby, she'll come around.”
Our friends, gay and straight, were supportive. But some of our older gay and lesbian friends were mystified that we would want kids at all; when they came out, kids were a spring in the heterosexual trap. A few looked on having children as a betrayal of gay and lesbian liberation. A gay male friend in his sixties told me that he's amazed by the demands made by younger gay men and lesbians (he means anyone under fifty), and he worries that some of us may go too far, demand too much, and create a backlash that harms all of us. When he was young, all he wanted was the right to suck dick without having to worry about getting arrested. When I first told him we were thinking about adopting, he looked like I'd announced we were moving to Jupiter.
A gay academic friend jokingly accused me of adopting a “heteronormative” lifestyle, and a gay Communist accused me of selling out.
The other objection we've heard from some homos is that my boyfriend and I are not the kind of gay men who should be adopting. When word of our plans went out in Seattle, a local gay activist/idiot called me: Had we given any thought to the political aspects of what we were doing? He felt Terry and I shouldwait. It was important, he said, that gay people adopting right now be safe and unthreatening. Gay parents should be men in their forties, together at least eight years, monogamous, professional, irreproachable, and unassailable. With the religious right making an issue of gay adoptions, gay dads were going to be under a lot of scrutiny. He felt it was important that they be as unthreatening to straight people as possible. Gay men like me and Terry, gay men closely identified with “the urban gay lifestyle,” should wait.
Most of my friends involved in gay politics have been very supportive; few would suggest that a gay person wait to do anything out of deference to the religious right. But more than one person told me we weren't the kind of guys who should adopt. You know, for political reasons. I'd written too much, and too frankly, about my sex life. The religious right wants to ban gay adoption, and is probably looking for gay parents it can use to scare those little old ladies in Omaha.
Until the first really juicy example of an evil gay parent comes along, the first gay dad or lesbian mom to rape or kill their kids, the religious right will have to make do with whatever “unfit” gay parents they can find. Of course, straight people rape and kill children every day. Child abuse is so common that unless the circumstances are unique or compellingly gruesome (six-year-old beauty queen, heavy-metal prom night, kids tossed out windows), the deaths of children at the hands of their straight parents hardly make the papers. And naturally, they're never held up as examples of the unfitness of heterosexuals to parent.
But for gays and lesbians, having children, like everything else, is regarded as a privilege, not a right. And privileges can be taken away.
Misrepresenting Our Relationship
W e left the seminar in Portland with everything we needed, except confidence. We had a stack of forms to fill out, and should we decide to pursue open adoption even though
Maybe she wanted to surprise folks with the news of our baby in the next Christmas newsletter, but not even Terry thought that. He believed the letter was a subtle communication from his mother. She disapproved. When someone “isn't very verbal,” you read their feelings into their actions, and this was an omission that spoke pretty loudly. Terry was upset, but unwilling to ask Claudia about it.
“It wouldn't do any good, and it would make her feel bad,” he said.
“The letter made you feel bad, so why not talk to her about it?” I asked.
Terry thought for a minute.
“When she sees the baby, she'll come around.”
Our friends, gay and straight, were supportive. But some of our older gay and lesbian friends were mystified that we would want kids at all; when they came out, kids were a spring in the heterosexual trap. A few looked on having children as a betrayal of gay and lesbian liberation. A gay male friend in his sixties told me that he's amazed by the demands made by younger gay men and lesbians (he means anyone under fifty), and he worries that some of us may go too far, demand too much, and create a backlash that harms all of us. When he was young, all he wanted was the right to suck dick without having to worry about getting arrested. When I first told him we were thinking about adopting, he looked like I'd announced we were moving to Jupiter.
A gay academic friend jokingly accused me of adopting a “heteronormative” lifestyle, and a gay Communist accused me of selling out.
The other objection we've heard from some homos is that my boyfriend and I are not the kind of gay men who should be adopting. When word of our plans went out in Seattle, a local gay activist/idiot called me: Had we given any thought to the political aspects of what we were doing? He felt Terry and I shouldwait. It was important, he said, that gay people adopting right now be safe and unthreatening. Gay parents should be men in their forties, together at least eight years, monogamous, professional, irreproachable, and unassailable. With the religious right making an issue of gay adoptions, gay dads were going to be under a lot of scrutiny. He felt it was important that they be as unthreatening to straight people as possible. Gay men like me and Terry, gay men closely identified with “the urban gay lifestyle,” should wait.
Most of my friends involved in gay politics have been very supportive; few would suggest that a gay person wait to do anything out of deference to the religious right. But more than one person told me we weren't the kind of guys who should adopt. You know, for political reasons. I'd written too much, and too frankly, about my sex life. The religious right wants to ban gay adoption, and is probably looking for gay parents it can use to scare those little old ladies in Omaha.
Until the first really juicy example of an evil gay parent comes along, the first gay dad or lesbian mom to rape or kill their kids, the religious right will have to make do with whatever “unfit” gay parents they can find. Of course, straight people rape and kill children every day. Child abuse is so common that unless the circumstances are unique or compellingly gruesome (six-year-old beauty queen, heavy-metal prom night, kids tossed out windows), the deaths of children at the hands of their straight parents hardly make the papers. And naturally, they're never held up as examples of the unfitness of heterosexuals to parent.
But for gays and lesbians, having children, like everything else, is regarded as a privilege, not a right. And privileges can be taken away.
Misrepresenting Our Relationship
W e left the seminar in Portland with everything we needed, except confidence. We had a stack of forms to fill out, and should we decide to pursue open adoption even though
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