The job and the children come first. I would never do anything to compromise that. But … God, Sharon, he’s so hot.’
‘You’ve had to resist him, have you?’ Sharon says, and I can almost feel her eyebrow raising down the phone line.
‘I ran away from him just now,’ I admit. ‘We were talking, and … I couldn’t handle it. I had to get out of there. I feel stupid for running, but what else could I do? God . Why did I run away? Now it’s going to be even worse when I see him again. I should have been stronger.’
‘I know why you ran ,’ says Sharon. ‘You’ve been a grown up your whole life, Sera. You’ve always taken care of yourself and your little sister. And when it comes to men, you’ve always picked the ones you had to take care of. That Billy guy who borrowed money from you left, right and centre.’
‘And cheated on me,’ I add.
‘And cheated on you,’ says Sharon. ‘And now, here you are, maybe interested in a real man – a provider. A protector. And it scares the shit out of you.’
‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘But i t doesn’t matter, anyway. Like you say, I’m here to do a job. And a man like Patrick Mansfield would never really be interested in me. Not really.’
‘I don’t know about that ,’ says Sharon. ‘But anyway, you’re right. Don’t let yourself get sidetracked.’
‘I won’t.’ But my voice sounds stronger than I feel.
Next I call Wila, then I risk another call to the Carmichaels. I’ve called them five times since I lost my job, and every time the new nanny answers and comes up with some reason why I can’t speak to the girls.
It kills me , and I just pray they know I’m calling.
The phone rings a few times and then there’s a click.
‘Hello?’
It’s the new nanny again. Her name is Tanya, and she’s not from Sharon’s agency.
‘Oh, hi,’ I say. ‘It’s Sera. The old nanny. Again. I was wondering, are the girls there?’
‘They’re not here,’ says Tanya, in her curt Russian accent.
‘Really? I mean, it’s a school night. Are they okay?’
‘They fine.’ Tanya sighs. ‘Mr Carmichael is asking me to asking you not to call any more.’
‘Oh. ’ I grip the phone tighter. ‘Helen Carmichael said—’
‘Mr Carmichael the boss,’ says Tanya. ‘He the man with the wallet. And he asking that you not call.’
My heart feels stony and cold. I want to cry. ‘But the girls – they need to know I still care about them. I miss them. Please. Please tell them that I called.’
Tanya sighs. ‘Mr Carmichael won’t like it.’
With that the phone clicks off.
I slump on the bed, lying against the pillow. My chest feels all hard and empty. But then the anger comes. How dare he? How dare he?
There has to be a way around this. I have to let the girls know I’m thinking of them. But how?
With a sigh, I fall down onto my pillow and drift into a difficult sleep.
34
The next morning my alarm goes off an hour earlier than it needs to. I set it for five just in case.
I’m not risking a repeat of yesterday.
I brush my teeth, shower, put on a little makeup and run my fingers through damp hair.
Wow. I’m going to be cold this morning with my hair wet like this. But I left the hairdryer for Wila, so I guess I’ll have to put up with it.
I dress in two pairs of thick black stock ings, frayed denim shorts, a woolly green jumper and a little black blazer. And of course, my cowboy boots.
I spend a little while getting my room in order, and then head down for breakfast, thinking I’ll wake Bertie at seven and take him for his milk and liquorice.
I use the map to find the great hall, and to my delight only take two wrong turns.
I’m making progress.
When I reach the hall, it’s filled with delicious breakfast smells – bacon, pastries and cinnamon toast.
I poke my head through the serving hatch and find Vicky stirring a huge pan of scrambled eggs.
‘Morning Vicky.’
She turns and smiles. ‘Morning hen. Sleep well?’
‘I did
‘You’ve had to resist him, have you?’ Sharon says, and I can almost feel her eyebrow raising down the phone line.
‘I ran away from him just now,’ I admit. ‘We were talking, and … I couldn’t handle it. I had to get out of there. I feel stupid for running, but what else could I do? God . Why did I run away? Now it’s going to be even worse when I see him again. I should have been stronger.’
‘I know why you ran ,’ says Sharon. ‘You’ve been a grown up your whole life, Sera. You’ve always taken care of yourself and your little sister. And when it comes to men, you’ve always picked the ones you had to take care of. That Billy guy who borrowed money from you left, right and centre.’
‘And cheated on me,’ I add.
‘And cheated on you,’ says Sharon. ‘And now, here you are, maybe interested in a real man – a provider. A protector. And it scares the shit out of you.’
‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘But i t doesn’t matter, anyway. Like you say, I’m here to do a job. And a man like Patrick Mansfield would never really be interested in me. Not really.’
‘I don’t know about that ,’ says Sharon. ‘But anyway, you’re right. Don’t let yourself get sidetracked.’
‘I won’t.’ But my voice sounds stronger than I feel.
Next I call Wila, then I risk another call to the Carmichaels. I’ve called them five times since I lost my job, and every time the new nanny answers and comes up with some reason why I can’t speak to the girls.
It kills me , and I just pray they know I’m calling.
The phone rings a few times and then there’s a click.
‘Hello?’
It’s the new nanny again. Her name is Tanya, and she’s not from Sharon’s agency.
‘Oh, hi,’ I say. ‘It’s Sera. The old nanny. Again. I was wondering, are the girls there?’
‘They’re not here,’ says Tanya, in her curt Russian accent.
‘Really? I mean, it’s a school night. Are they okay?’
‘They fine.’ Tanya sighs. ‘Mr Carmichael is asking me to asking you not to call any more.’
‘Oh. ’ I grip the phone tighter. ‘Helen Carmichael said—’
‘Mr Carmichael the boss,’ says Tanya. ‘He the man with the wallet. And he asking that you not call.’
My heart feels stony and cold. I want to cry. ‘But the girls – they need to know I still care about them. I miss them. Please. Please tell them that I called.’
Tanya sighs. ‘Mr Carmichael won’t like it.’
With that the phone clicks off.
I slump on the bed, lying against the pillow. My chest feels all hard and empty. But then the anger comes. How dare he? How dare he?
There has to be a way around this. I have to let the girls know I’m thinking of them. But how?
With a sigh, I fall down onto my pillow and drift into a difficult sleep.
34
The next morning my alarm goes off an hour earlier than it needs to. I set it for five just in case.
I’m not risking a repeat of yesterday.
I brush my teeth, shower, put on a little makeup and run my fingers through damp hair.
Wow. I’m going to be cold this morning with my hair wet like this. But I left the hairdryer for Wila, so I guess I’ll have to put up with it.
I dress in two pairs of thick black stock ings, frayed denim shorts, a woolly green jumper and a little black blazer. And of course, my cowboy boots.
I spend a little while getting my room in order, and then head down for breakfast, thinking I’ll wake Bertie at seven and take him for his milk and liquorice.
I use the map to find the great hall, and to my delight only take two wrong turns.
I’m making progress.
When I reach the hall, it’s filled with delicious breakfast smells – bacon, pastries and cinnamon toast.
I poke my head through the serving hatch and find Vicky stirring a huge pan of scrambled eggs.
‘Morning Vicky.’
She turns and smiles. ‘Morning hen. Sleep well?’
‘I did
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