about five children hanging off their grubby aprons at any one time and the older ones were sent up chimneys, whilst they carried on trying to scrape together enough food to put on the table. Now for some reason, children take over and life is changed forever. I just don’t understand.’
My eyes had started boring into Rach by now, so she quickly soothed me.
‘Bee, you know I won’t,’ she promised. ‘You girls will still be as important to me. And the club too,’ she added. ‘Just because I’ve decided to have a baby doesn’t count me out of trying to find you lot suitable husband material either.’
We closed the meeting shortly after that. Rach’s bombshell had shaken us and it would take a while to get used to the idea. We had talked Rach through a list of Ten Commandments that she would have to stick to once her baby was born.
1. Mobile phones to be answered at all times - as they are just as important as a baby’s cries.
2. Rach must have at least ten normal conversations a day that are not about babies.
3. She must find a reliable babysitter who can work at any hour of day or night, which means she can still come on nights out with us.
4. She can’t start neglecting herself and must definitely still have her nose job, as it’s something she has always wanted to do. Kaz said that if the baby takes after her and not the sperm donor and its nose is on the large side when born then she could ask for a ‘two for one’ offer. Kaz was quite excited at this money saving tip for Rach. I pointed out dryly that if Rach started asking a cosmetic surgeon to give a baby a nose job, they were likely to call social services.
5. Rach must not turn into a lesbian, and must remember that men are still good for some things, like changing light bulbs on high ceilings, or getting spiders out of the bath.
6. She must always speak in her normal voice, and not silly baby language.
7. The picture on her Facebook site must remain the one of us five together taken last Christmas.
8. She must complete at least one sudoko or brainteaser puzzle each week to stop her brain going to mush.
9. She must still go on our regular Saturday crusade to Karen Millen, where we spend at least an hour in the changing rooms trying on dresses we can’t afford.
10. She must still read Closer magazine each week. There would be nothing worse than trying to discuss the latest Brangelina gossip - and having hour-long debates over will they split or won’t they - with someone who just isn’t up to date.
I put that last one in, as I’m obsessed with Brangelina and devour any possible titbits about Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Who could resist the charms of Angelina? Not only is she one of the sexiest woman in the world, she visits all the war torn countries as a refugee ambassador and even flew in to visit Brad on his film sets flying her own plane, for God’s sake. She is a Mother Theresa in tight black leather. Jen hasn’t had much luck in finding another husband since Brad. In fact, if Rach ever dropped out of the club, we could always invite Jen to join the HHC. I’m sure with us looking over her, she could do a lot better.
I printed a copy of the Commandments out for Rach as she didn’t have a printer. I was going to make sure they were pinned up somewhere where she was going to see them every day. I wasn’t going to have her vanishing down Wisteria Lane without a struggle. My phone suddenly rang.
‘I’ve got an appointment at the fertility clinic next week,’ Rach shrieked down the phone. ‘I could be pregnant in a few weeks’ time.’
***
‘ Have you heard the news about Rach?’ I asked Tash, when I bumped into her down at the stable yard early the next morning.
Tash paused, and put down the bucket of horse feed she was carrying.
‘I know,’ she said. ‘She told me when I saw her earlier. She’s so excited about it all.’
‘I hope she knows what she’s doing,’ I
My eyes had started boring into Rach by now, so she quickly soothed me.
‘Bee, you know I won’t,’ she promised. ‘You girls will still be as important to me. And the club too,’ she added. ‘Just because I’ve decided to have a baby doesn’t count me out of trying to find you lot suitable husband material either.’
We closed the meeting shortly after that. Rach’s bombshell had shaken us and it would take a while to get used to the idea. We had talked Rach through a list of Ten Commandments that she would have to stick to once her baby was born.
1. Mobile phones to be answered at all times - as they are just as important as a baby’s cries.
2. Rach must have at least ten normal conversations a day that are not about babies.
3. She must find a reliable babysitter who can work at any hour of day or night, which means she can still come on nights out with us.
4. She can’t start neglecting herself and must definitely still have her nose job, as it’s something she has always wanted to do. Kaz said that if the baby takes after her and not the sperm donor and its nose is on the large side when born then she could ask for a ‘two for one’ offer. Kaz was quite excited at this money saving tip for Rach. I pointed out dryly that if Rach started asking a cosmetic surgeon to give a baby a nose job, they were likely to call social services.
5. Rach must not turn into a lesbian, and must remember that men are still good for some things, like changing light bulbs on high ceilings, or getting spiders out of the bath.
6. She must always speak in her normal voice, and not silly baby language.
7. The picture on her Facebook site must remain the one of us five together taken last Christmas.
8. She must complete at least one sudoko or brainteaser puzzle each week to stop her brain going to mush.
9. She must still go on our regular Saturday crusade to Karen Millen, where we spend at least an hour in the changing rooms trying on dresses we can’t afford.
10. She must still read Closer magazine each week. There would be nothing worse than trying to discuss the latest Brangelina gossip - and having hour-long debates over will they split or won’t they - with someone who just isn’t up to date.
I put that last one in, as I’m obsessed with Brangelina and devour any possible titbits about Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Who could resist the charms of Angelina? Not only is she one of the sexiest woman in the world, she visits all the war torn countries as a refugee ambassador and even flew in to visit Brad on his film sets flying her own plane, for God’s sake. She is a Mother Theresa in tight black leather. Jen hasn’t had much luck in finding another husband since Brad. In fact, if Rach ever dropped out of the club, we could always invite Jen to join the HHC. I’m sure with us looking over her, she could do a lot better.
I printed a copy of the Commandments out for Rach as she didn’t have a printer. I was going to make sure they were pinned up somewhere where she was going to see them every day. I wasn’t going to have her vanishing down Wisteria Lane without a struggle. My phone suddenly rang.
‘I’ve got an appointment at the fertility clinic next week,’ Rach shrieked down the phone. ‘I could be pregnant in a few weeks’ time.’
***
‘ Have you heard the news about Rach?’ I asked Tash, when I bumped into her down at the stable yard early the next morning.
Tash paused, and put down the bucket of horse feed she was carrying.
‘I know,’ she said. ‘She told me when I saw her earlier. She’s so excited about it all.’
‘I hope she knows what she’s doing,’ I
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