walk after what he'd done to himself. That
stuff saps you.'
'We didn't publish him either,' said MacMordie.
'Well there's that too,' Hutchmeyer agreed, 'but we publish this Piper and if Baby wants him
she's going to have him. You know something, MacMordie, you'd think at her age and all the
operations she's had and being on a diet and all she'd have laid off a bit. I mean, can you do it
twice a day every goddam day of the year? Well, me neither. But that woman is insatiable. She's
going to eat this cunt-lapper Piper alive.'
MacMordie made a note to book the company plane for Piper.
'Could be there won't be so much of him to eat by the time the reception committee down here
is finished with him,' he said morosely. 'The way you want it things could get rough.'
'The rougher the better. By the time my fucking wife is through with him he's going to know
just how rough things can get. You know what that woman's been into now?'
'No,' said MacMordie. 'Bears,' said Hutchmeyer.
'Bears?' said MacMordie. 'You don't mean it. Isn't that a little dangerous? I'd have to be
fucking desperate to even think of bears. I knew a woman once who had this German Shepherd but
'
'Not that way,' shouted Hutchmeyer, 'Jesus, MacMordie, we're talking about my wife, not some
crazy bitch dog lover. Have some respect please.'
'But you said she was into bears and I thought '
'The trouble with you, MacMordie, is you don't think. So she's into bears. Doesn't mean the
bears are into her for Chrissake. Whoever heard of a woman into anything sexual? It isn't
possible.'
'I don't know. I knew a woman once with this '
'You want to know something, MacMordie, you know some fucking horrible women no kidding. You
should get yourself a decent wife.'
'I got a decent wife. I don't go messing no longer. I just don't have the energy.'
'Should eat Wheatgerm and Vitamin E like I do. Helps get it up better than anything. What were
we talking about?'
'Bears,' said MacMordie avidly.
'Baby's got this thing about ecology and wildlife. Been reading about animals being human and
all. Some guy called Morris wrote a book...'
'I read that too,' said MacMordie.
'Not that Morris. This Morris worked in a zoo and had a naked ape and writes this book about
it. Must have shaved the fucking thing. So Baby reads it and the next thing you know she has
bought a lot of bears and things and let them loose round the house. Place is thick with bears
and the neighbours start complaining just when I'm applying to join the Yacht Club. I tell you,
that woman gives me a pain in the ass all the problems she manages to come up with.'
MacMordie looked puzzled. 'If this Morris guy went in for apes how come Mrs Hutchmeyer is into
bears?' he asked.
'Whoever heard of a fucking naked ape in the Maine woods? It's impossible. The thing would
freeze to death first snowfall and it's got to be natural.'
'Isn't natural having bears in your backyard. Not any place I know.'
'First thing I said to Baby. I said you want an ape it's okay with me but bears is into
another ballgame. Know what she said? She said she'd had a naked fucking ape round the house
forty years and bears needed protecting. Protecting? Three hundred fifty pounds they weigh and
they need protection? Anyone round the place needs protection it's got to be me.'
'What did you do then?' asked MacMordie.
'Got myself a machine-gun and told her the first bear I saw coming into the house I'd blow its
fucking head off. So the bears got the message and took to the woods and now it's all fine up
there.'
It was all fine at sea too. Piper woke the next morning to find himself in a floating hotel
but since his adult life had been spent moving from one boarding-house to another, each with a
view of the English Channel, there was nothing very surprising about his new circumstances. True,
the luxury he was now enjoying was better than the amenities offered by the Gleneagle Guest House
in
stuff saps you.'
'We didn't publish him either,' said MacMordie.
'Well there's that too,' Hutchmeyer agreed, 'but we publish this Piper and if Baby wants him
she's going to have him. You know something, MacMordie, you'd think at her age and all the
operations she's had and being on a diet and all she'd have laid off a bit. I mean, can you do it
twice a day every goddam day of the year? Well, me neither. But that woman is insatiable. She's
going to eat this cunt-lapper Piper alive.'
MacMordie made a note to book the company plane for Piper.
'Could be there won't be so much of him to eat by the time the reception committee down here
is finished with him,' he said morosely. 'The way you want it things could get rough.'
'The rougher the better. By the time my fucking wife is through with him he's going to know
just how rough things can get. You know what that woman's been into now?'
'No,' said MacMordie. 'Bears,' said Hutchmeyer.
'Bears?' said MacMordie. 'You don't mean it. Isn't that a little dangerous? I'd have to be
fucking desperate to even think of bears. I knew a woman once who had this German Shepherd but
'
'Not that way,' shouted Hutchmeyer, 'Jesus, MacMordie, we're talking about my wife, not some
crazy bitch dog lover. Have some respect please.'
'But you said she was into bears and I thought '
'The trouble with you, MacMordie, is you don't think. So she's into bears. Doesn't mean the
bears are into her for Chrissake. Whoever heard of a woman into anything sexual? It isn't
possible.'
'I don't know. I knew a woman once with this '
'You want to know something, MacMordie, you know some fucking horrible women no kidding. You
should get yourself a decent wife.'
'I got a decent wife. I don't go messing no longer. I just don't have the energy.'
'Should eat Wheatgerm and Vitamin E like I do. Helps get it up better than anything. What were
we talking about?'
'Bears,' said MacMordie avidly.
'Baby's got this thing about ecology and wildlife. Been reading about animals being human and
all. Some guy called Morris wrote a book...'
'I read that too,' said MacMordie.
'Not that Morris. This Morris worked in a zoo and had a naked ape and writes this book about
it. Must have shaved the fucking thing. So Baby reads it and the next thing you know she has
bought a lot of bears and things and let them loose round the house. Place is thick with bears
and the neighbours start complaining just when I'm applying to join the Yacht Club. I tell you,
that woman gives me a pain in the ass all the problems she manages to come up with.'
MacMordie looked puzzled. 'If this Morris guy went in for apes how come Mrs Hutchmeyer is into
bears?' he asked.
'Whoever heard of a fucking naked ape in the Maine woods? It's impossible. The thing would
freeze to death first snowfall and it's got to be natural.'
'Isn't natural having bears in your backyard. Not any place I know.'
'First thing I said to Baby. I said you want an ape it's okay with me but bears is into
another ballgame. Know what she said? She said she'd had a naked fucking ape round the house
forty years and bears needed protecting. Protecting? Three hundred fifty pounds they weigh and
they need protection? Anyone round the place needs protection it's got to be me.'
'What did you do then?' asked MacMordie.
'Got myself a machine-gun and told her the first bear I saw coming into the house I'd blow its
fucking head off. So the bears got the message and took to the woods and now it's all fine up
there.'
It was all fine at sea too. Piper woke the next morning to find himself in a floating hotel
but since his adult life had been spent moving from one boarding-house to another, each with a
view of the English Channel, there was nothing very surprising about his new circumstances. True,
the luxury he was now enjoying was better than the amenities offered by the Gleneagle Guest House
in
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