mockery in my voice.
No, they liked this saying. Had I discovered the largest passion among my men? To be forgiven their debts? It was clear that they would not be equally forgiving to the debts owed them.
I had been looking for an army of men whose souls were so pure that they would need no swords. Instead, I had gathered a few followers who argued among themselves over who would sit to the right of me and who would be first when I was gone. So many miracles, so little gain.
I could know each one of my disciples by looking into his eyes, but each had eyes that changed by the hour; discontent licked at the edge of their loyalty. Did the great wrath of my Father come from knowing that His chosen people might be more loyal to Satan than to Him?
In my dream on this night, I heard one angel say: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. Whoever believes in Him shall have everlasting life. For God did not send His son to condemn the world but to save it."
How I hoped that the angel spoke truth! For then I would be like a light sent into the world. Yet men seemed to love darkness more than light. I awoke, then, in confusion. For I did not know whether I was here to save the world or to be condemned by the world. Each night I heard a command in my sleep, but the voice was my own; it was there to tell me that I must leave these lands where people waited to touch my garment and go instead among the proud of Jerusalem; I must enter the halls of the Great Temple, even if my days would then be numbered by the fingers of one hand.
I thought of how King Herod had wished to kill me. What a bloody creature was man. The wrath of my enemies was like the heat of hell-fire.
No matter how, I knew that I must lead my followers to the Great Temple, and suffer what would await me there. And I must do this soon, even if there was no time of year less auspicious. For Passover approached. Jews from all of Judea and Galilee would be coming to Jerusalem. In truth, no one of us Jews could forget that this feast was in memory of our flight from Egypt. To find a new land, we had wandered in the wilderness for forty years. Yet when we were there at last, we thrived. Later, through our sins, we lost it. Now Romans ruled over us. In many years, there had been riots of the Jews against the Romans at the time of Passover, large riots. No time could be more perilous for entering Jerusalem than now. The memory of the glory that had been lost was with all of us.
30
I girded myself to start the trip, but was obliged to wait in Galilee. On no day were my twelve men able to agree on the hour of departure. Even on the morning we were finally about to leave, there was further distraction. Levi had disappeared. We knew that he was drinking wine in alleys with men and women who had not wished to join us. My other apostles were furious: "We remain eleven of twelve," they said. "Let us go."
I said: "If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, will the man not go into the mountains to look for the lost one? If he brings back such a sheep, he can rejoice more than over the ninety and nine."
Peter said: "Lord, when I was a boy, I lived with my uncle, who was a shepherd. So was I also a shepherd. And it was not our practice to chase lost sheep. We worked to guard the good ones."
"No," I said. "The Son of Man has come to save what is lost." I heard God sigh. For a thousand years the children of Israel had been His. And in this time so many had been lost. I waited for Levi.
That evening on his return, Levi was distraught. A man who will drink through the day feels near to the anger of othersùit is why he drinks. That can be his shield. Was Levi keen to the wrath awaiting us in Jerusalem?
That night I preached for a long time, but it may have been to soothe my own unrest. In truth, I continued to speak even when I saw the light leave the eyes of my apostles. They had heard my words before. Still, there were new faces among us,
No, they liked this saying. Had I discovered the largest passion among my men? To be forgiven their debts? It was clear that they would not be equally forgiving to the debts owed them.
I had been looking for an army of men whose souls were so pure that they would need no swords. Instead, I had gathered a few followers who argued among themselves over who would sit to the right of me and who would be first when I was gone. So many miracles, so little gain.
I could know each one of my disciples by looking into his eyes, but each had eyes that changed by the hour; discontent licked at the edge of their loyalty. Did the great wrath of my Father come from knowing that His chosen people might be more loyal to Satan than to Him?
In my dream on this night, I heard one angel say: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. Whoever believes in Him shall have everlasting life. For God did not send His son to condemn the world but to save it."
How I hoped that the angel spoke truth! For then I would be like a light sent into the world. Yet men seemed to love darkness more than light. I awoke, then, in confusion. For I did not know whether I was here to save the world or to be condemned by the world. Each night I heard a command in my sleep, but the voice was my own; it was there to tell me that I must leave these lands where people waited to touch my garment and go instead among the proud of Jerusalem; I must enter the halls of the Great Temple, even if my days would then be numbered by the fingers of one hand.
I thought of how King Herod had wished to kill me. What a bloody creature was man. The wrath of my enemies was like the heat of hell-fire.
No matter how, I knew that I must lead my followers to the Great Temple, and suffer what would await me there. And I must do this soon, even if there was no time of year less auspicious. For Passover approached. Jews from all of Judea and Galilee would be coming to Jerusalem. In truth, no one of us Jews could forget that this feast was in memory of our flight from Egypt. To find a new land, we had wandered in the wilderness for forty years. Yet when we were there at last, we thrived. Later, through our sins, we lost it. Now Romans ruled over us. In many years, there had been riots of the Jews against the Romans at the time of Passover, large riots. No time could be more perilous for entering Jerusalem than now. The memory of the glory that had been lost was with all of us.
30
I girded myself to start the trip, but was obliged to wait in Galilee. On no day were my twelve men able to agree on the hour of departure. Even on the morning we were finally about to leave, there was further distraction. Levi had disappeared. We knew that he was drinking wine in alleys with men and women who had not wished to join us. My other apostles were furious: "We remain eleven of twelve," they said. "Let us go."
I said: "If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, will the man not go into the mountains to look for the lost one? If he brings back such a sheep, he can rejoice more than over the ninety and nine."
Peter said: "Lord, when I was a boy, I lived with my uncle, who was a shepherd. So was I also a shepherd. And it was not our practice to chase lost sheep. We worked to guard the good ones."
"No," I said. "The Son of Man has come to save what is lost." I heard God sigh. For a thousand years the children of Israel had been His. And in this time so many had been lost. I waited for Levi.
That evening on his return, Levi was distraught. A man who will drink through the day feels near to the anger of othersùit is why he drinks. That can be his shield. Was Levi keen to the wrath awaiting us in Jerusalem?
That night I preached for a long time, but it may have been to soothe my own unrest. In truth, I continued to speak even when I saw the light leave the eyes of my apostles. They had heard my words before. Still, there were new faces among us,
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