The Good Daughter: A Memoir of My Mother's Hidden Life by Jasmin Darznik Page B

found him lying at the foot of the hoz , curled up as if in sleep, his lips and eyelids tinted blue.
    Since then, Kobra’s eyes had taken on a glassy cast, with black half-moons underneath that told of her own sleeplessness. When Omid died, Lili was already several months into her pregnancy, and no one would tell her much about the circumstances of her little brother’s death for fear that grief would enter her blood and disturb her unborn child. But Lili could see that Kobra’s grief had only deepened in the last months, and now it was Lili who could not bear to burden her mother with her own troubles, and so whenever Kobra asked about Kazem or her pregnancy, she would force herself to smile and to speak of happiness.
    The first few times he cried for hours afterward. He’d drop to his knees and beg her to forgive him. Swear she was more precious to him than his own life. That he would never again raise a hand to hurt her. So desperate, so completely genuine, did Kazem seem withhis pleas and promises those first few times, so apparently bewildered by his own behavior, that she smoothed his brow and hushed him as she would a child.
    But soon hardly a week passed without his beating her, and every time he cried less afterward until eventually he didn’t cry at all and the excuses and apologies stopped altogether.
    At night she fell asleep wondering whether he would wake up angry or happy the next day. As soon as he left for work in the mornings, she would try to guess whether he would come home for lunch or stay away until dinnertime. What could she do to please him when he returned? Should she greet him with a smile, or should she avoid his eyes until he spoke to her? Should she comb her hair and put on a fresh dress for him? Would he be glad to see her looking pretty or would he accuse her of having made herself up and gone out by herself?
    The worst, by far, always came at night.
    When he did not return for dinner one evening, she laid a blanket on the floor, intending to rest there just until he returned. Sometime after midnight she’d worn herself out from thinking and finally fallen asleep. Near dawn he stumbled into the apartment and kicked her sides. Her hands went at once to the bump in her belly. She shut her eyes and he lowered himself onto her. She opened her eyes for an instant and saw two strands of hair hanging loose from either side of his otherwise bald head. In the first weeks of their marriage he’d been scrupulous about grooming himself before coming to her, but over time such niceties had fallen by the wayside. She shut her eyes until, gradually, inevitably, he finished.
    From Thursday afternoon until late Sunday evening she was marched from relative’s house to relative’s house to be appraised and advised and feted until her cheeks burned with the effort of smiling through it all. It was at these gatherings that she first realized how much had been hidden from her about Kazem throughout theircourtship. He flew into a rage at the smallest pretense, mocked and belittled everyone who crossed his path. Lili observed how guarded his family seemed in his presence and the care they took when addressing him. Many of them, she discovered, would not so much as meet his eyes from across the room. Of all of them, Ma Mère was the only one capable of coaxing a smile or kind word from him.
    And then there was the conversation that revealed to Lili how little she herself had managed to hide about her life with Kazem.
    It happened during one of her visits to the Khorramis’ extended family. After lunch, she rose to fetch Ma Mère a fresh cup of tea when she heard one of the women asking Kazem’s aunt, “Is that your aroos ?”
    “Yes, the poor thing.”
    The poor thing? Lili stole a sideways look at the two women and realized that they were talking about her. She hustled away, but then, from behind a banister, she strained to make out the rest of their talk.
    “ Sadisme ,” she heard Kazem’s aunt saying.