going down the drain. My anxiety and guilt lessened the longer I looked at it.
No expectations.
No rules.
No pain.
No disappointment.
Nothing but the blood in the sink.
I gripped the razor tighter. I brought my arm up and dragged the blade across my arm again. Blood quickly dripped into the sink and I sighed. For the first time in months, I felt like I could go on, like the pain was slowly bleeding out of my body and I could breathe.
I watched my arm bleed for a few more minutes as the pain and guilt and disappointment left my body, then I stepped in the shower and washed the rest of the awful night off my body. When I was done in the shower, I put antibiotic ointment on my arm and a bandage. I felt different, changed, like I could control this.
Instead of being the one who things happened to, I was able to do what I needed to do to feel better.
Ryanne
I T HAD BEEN THE MOST amazing kiss I had ever experienced. I’d felt so much in those few short moments that I thought my heart would explode. I was essentially putty in Will’s hands. Everything he’d said and done convinced me that we could be something really special together.
As I’d pulled away from Will, I was going to tell him everything I was feeling and thinking. I was going to tell him that I was his, that he didn’t even need to ask, but before I could get a single word out, I saw Jax glaring at me over Will’s shoulder and reality crashed around me. Will was still Jax’s best friend and I couldn’t be selfish and ruin that friendship. I cared about Will too much to put my feelings above his needs. And I was worried about Jax. He had other friends, but he wasn’t close to any of them the way he was with Will. Even though the two of them seemed opposites in so many ways, they complemented each other.
God, I couldn’t get between the two of them.
I’d fought back tears as my heart cracked in my chest. It hurt in ways I had never experienced. I’d pushed my way through the crowd but before I was able to slip into the bathroom, Jax had caught up with me. He’d told me I was selfish for putting my feelings ahead of what Will needed. He’d told me how hard it seemed to be for Will and I’d felt even shittier. The kiss had been amazing, but obviously he was still struggling, and any relationship that developed between the two of us would make it harder for him. Relationships were hard and he needed safety, not risk.
I’d needed to get away. I’d escaped outside but, of course, Jax had caught up to me and started yelling at me again. We hadn’t noticed Will standing there. He’d heard everything we’d said and my heart broke. The look on his face when we finally noticed him was full of pain. Before either of us could get another word out, he ran. Jax cursed under his breath and yelled after him. I’d started after Will, wanting to comfort him, but Jax stopped me.
“Let’s go to my truck. He’s fast as fuck when he’s running, so we’ll have better luck catching up to him if we drive.” I’d nodded and we ran for his truck.
After driving around for fifteen minutes, Jax headed toward home. “He probably went back to Liv’s place.” We drove in silence, sick with worry about Will, but before we got back home, Lindsey started calling. She called over and over. There was hardly a pause between calls.
“Do you think you need to get that?”
“No, I’ll talk to her later.” He looked over at me. “First, we need to find Will. That shit he heard…” Jax trailed off, his voice tight with emotion. “I should have paid attention before I went off on you. I’m sorry, Ry. I just know something is up. He tries to hide it, but I can see how much pain and sadness hides behind his eyes and I don’t care if that’s a girl thing to say.”
I put my hand on Jax’s arm. “It’s not a girl thing to say, Jax. It shows that you care about him. There’s nothing wrong with feeling.”
“I worry about him, you know? Most days, he seems
No expectations.
No rules.
No pain.
No disappointment.
Nothing but the blood in the sink.
I gripped the razor tighter. I brought my arm up and dragged the blade across my arm again. Blood quickly dripped into the sink and I sighed. For the first time in months, I felt like I could go on, like the pain was slowly bleeding out of my body and I could breathe.
I watched my arm bleed for a few more minutes as the pain and guilt and disappointment left my body, then I stepped in the shower and washed the rest of the awful night off my body. When I was done in the shower, I put antibiotic ointment on my arm and a bandage. I felt different, changed, like I could control this.
Instead of being the one who things happened to, I was able to do what I needed to do to feel better.
Ryanne
I T HAD BEEN THE MOST amazing kiss I had ever experienced. I’d felt so much in those few short moments that I thought my heart would explode. I was essentially putty in Will’s hands. Everything he’d said and done convinced me that we could be something really special together.
As I’d pulled away from Will, I was going to tell him everything I was feeling and thinking. I was going to tell him that I was his, that he didn’t even need to ask, but before I could get a single word out, I saw Jax glaring at me over Will’s shoulder and reality crashed around me. Will was still Jax’s best friend and I couldn’t be selfish and ruin that friendship. I cared about Will too much to put my feelings above his needs. And I was worried about Jax. He had other friends, but he wasn’t close to any of them the way he was with Will. Even though the two of them seemed opposites in so many ways, they complemented each other.
God, I couldn’t get between the two of them.
I’d fought back tears as my heart cracked in my chest. It hurt in ways I had never experienced. I’d pushed my way through the crowd but before I was able to slip into the bathroom, Jax had caught up with me. He’d told me I was selfish for putting my feelings ahead of what Will needed. He’d told me how hard it seemed to be for Will and I’d felt even shittier. The kiss had been amazing, but obviously he was still struggling, and any relationship that developed between the two of us would make it harder for him. Relationships were hard and he needed safety, not risk.
I’d needed to get away. I’d escaped outside but, of course, Jax had caught up to me and started yelling at me again. We hadn’t noticed Will standing there. He’d heard everything we’d said and my heart broke. The look on his face when we finally noticed him was full of pain. Before either of us could get another word out, he ran. Jax cursed under his breath and yelled after him. I’d started after Will, wanting to comfort him, but Jax stopped me.
“Let’s go to my truck. He’s fast as fuck when he’s running, so we’ll have better luck catching up to him if we drive.” I’d nodded and we ran for his truck.
After driving around for fifteen minutes, Jax headed toward home. “He probably went back to Liv’s place.” We drove in silence, sick with worry about Will, but before we got back home, Lindsey started calling. She called over and over. There was hardly a pause between calls.
“Do you think you need to get that?”
“No, I’ll talk to her later.” He looked over at me. “First, we need to find Will. That shit he heard…” Jax trailed off, his voice tight with emotion. “I should have paid attention before I went off on you. I’m sorry, Ry. I just know something is up. He tries to hide it, but I can see how much pain and sadness hides behind his eyes and I don’t care if that’s a girl thing to say.”
I put my hand on Jax’s arm. “It’s not a girl thing to say, Jax. It shows that you care about him. There’s nothing wrong with feeling.”
“I worry about him, you know? Most days, he seems
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