The First Time is the Hardest: An Austin Brothers Novella (Austin Brothers Series Book 1) by L A Cotton Page B

remember her being with me. But I got it, I did, because you were special, Lucas. You were bright and funny and never stopped asking questions. You had a thirst for knowledge that people admired. And I envied you so much, but I never hated you. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. You know why? Because you were the only person in my life who never looked at me like I was a disappointment. When you followed me around and annoyed the shit out of me wanting to tag along, you made me feel like I could do anything. Maybe I could have. Maybe if I’d studied harder and tried to be more like you, I could have been that guy. But I think we both know that’s never who I really was.”
    Ryan cleared his throat and pulled his eyes back to me. I could see he was seconds from losing it. “I’m the kind of guy who runs when shit gets hard, and I keep running. But I’m done running, Lucas. Because when I lost you, I realized something. Life is short—too damn short to worry about shit that doesn’t really matter. You always had faith in me; I just needed to see it.” His eyes burned into me, and it felt as if he was no longer talking to just Lucas.
    “I want to be the guy you always believed I could be. The kind of guy who would make you proud to be my brother. The kind of guy who doesn’t run.”
    My feet had carried me to Ryan before I realized what was happening. I reached out and brushed my fingers across his cheek. “He was proud, Ryan.”
    Ryan gulped hard, and he covered my hand with his own. “I’m so sorry.”
    I sank into his touch, and my eyes closed. “I thought you’d left me.”
    “I came back.” Ryan’s forehead touched my own, and I felt it—this thing between us. It flowed through us, and I knew I hadn’t imagined it. We were tethered; whether through losing Lucas or something else entirely, we needed each other.
    And it was real.
    “You came back,” I whispered, gasping when Ryan’s mouth covered my own and started moving slowly.
    Ryan had told me once that the first time was the hardest. That the first realization of Lucas being gone would be the hardest to deal with. In some ways, it felt like so long ago that losing Lucas was a part of me now, and I imagined that piece would never truly move on. But standing wrapped in Ryan’s arms, I realized something … That was okay.
    I could keep Lucas alive in my heart, and I could love Ryan.
    Lucas was my best friend, and I never wanted to forget him. But on the days when it all became too much, the dark days when I’d question the fairness of it all, they would be that much easier to bear with Ryan by my side.
    Ryan could slowly piece my heart back together, but it didn’t mean he’d replace Lucas—or I’d forget him. I would carry him with me, always. He was a part of my history.
    My past.
    But Ryan was my future.

Epilogue
     
    I LEANED BACK AGAINST RYAN, and his arm came around my waist as he tucked his chin onto my shoulder. “Looks good, huh?”
    “It'll do, for now,” I said, surveying the apartment.
    Our apartment.
    After spending all morning moving and unpacking boxes, it was finally starting to look like home.
    “For now?” Ryan turned me in his arms and stared down at me. “I feel like there's a but in there somewhere.” The storm in his eyes had subsided recently; he’d said it was because of me, but I knew it was more than that. The last five months had changed him. Losing Lucas, deciding to make the move to Houston with me, and reconciling with his parents—Ryan was different. Calmer.
    Lighter.
    Smiling up at him, I said, “It's kind of small, Ryan. What if we find it too suffocating? This is all new and well, I- I ...”
    He dipped his head, capturing my lips, and my argument died on my tongue. Ryan had insisted this place was perfect. It was a one-bedroom apartment in a modern building right in the heart of the city. Close enough for me to walk the short distance to my new job at The Radisson and easy enough for Ryan to commute