The First Time is the Hardest: An Austin Brothers Novella (Austin Brothers Series Book 1) by L A Cotton Page A

infectious smile and bright blues eyes. Words carved into marble wouldn't change that.
    “I miss you so much.” My voice cracked, pain squeezing my heart like a vise. “You were supposed to be here, Lucas. You and me, remember. Why, why did you have to get into your car that night?”
    Ever since finding out about the accident, I'd tried not to think about it. About what it must have been like. Did his life flash before his eyes or had it all happened before Lucas had time to realize what had happened? But kneeling here, in front of his grave, it was hard not to imagine it. Imagine his last few breaths before he left this earth.
    “Oh, Lucas.”
    Silence settled around me. Shifting to one side, I tucked my legs underneath me. And read the words again.
    Lucas Gennery ...
    In senior year, just before I turned eighteen, Lucas had almost told me he loved me. I remembered it as clear as day. It was just a regular day at school. We'd walked home together as usual and, as we stopped in front of my house, I’d asked him if he was coming in. Lucas had said no, he couldn't. But before continuing into his house, he'd brushed some flyaway strands of hair out of my face, stared down at me, and said, “How am I ever going to leave you, Mila Jean Austin?”
    “What are you talking about, Lucas?” I’d replied. His words weren’t what left me feeling winded; it was the way he stared at me as if he was looking right into my heart.
    “I- I ...” It was as if the words were stuck. And there we stood, in the same spot we stood every day after school, and I felt it. Felt every word he wanted to say. But something made me reach out for his hand and say, “Four years then the rest of our lives, right?”
    His relief was instant. I'd saved him from saying something that could have changed everything, and at the same time, now … now, a part of me wished he had.
    I reached out and stroked the headstone again. “God, I wish I'd heard you say the words.”
    But he hadn’t, and now, here we were. Lucas was gone, and I was … I didn’t know yet. Learning to live without my best friend would take time and patience. Ryan had eased some of that, but now, he was gone too.
    Ryan.
    “I came to tell you goodbye today, but there’s something else. Something you should know. I-” The words wouldn’t come. I placed my hands on the ground and inhaled deeply letting the fresh air fill my lungs. Lucas was gone, but he deserved the truth.
    “Ryan and I-” Gosh, what were Ryan and me? I thought we were something real. Something more than just comfort in the darkness surrounding us. “I don't love him, I don't ... B- but I think I could. I never saw it when we were growing up; I just saw what everyone else saw. But Ryan's lost, Lucas, so lost. He's cold and distanced and closed off because he's scared. Of what, I'm not sure. I just thi-”
    “He's scared of never being enough.”
    At the sound of his voice, I sucked in a sharp breath and turned slowly to see Ryan standing a few feet away. A rainbow of emotions filled my chest at the sight of him.
    Anger.
    Relief.
    Happiness.
    Confusion.
    I couldn’t hold on to any one feeling, but it didn’t matter. Ryan was here.
    Standing in front of me.
    He started walking forward, hands jammed in his pockets, eyes trained on me. “He's scared that if he lets someone in, they'll realize that they made a mistake, that he isn't the strong, fearless guy they think he is.”
    Heart thumping against my chest, I rose to my feet, but I didn't go to him. I couldn't move. Just the sight of him paralyzed me to the spot.
    “But most of all, he's terrified of losing the only girl he's ever wanted. The girl he shouldn't want.”
    “Ryan, I-”
    “No, Mila, you need to hear this. You both do.” His eyes flickered past me to Lucas’s grave. “I’ve felt inadequate my whole life. I was the eldest, sure, but as soon as you came along, I knew I could never compete. Mom was infatuated with you in a way I never