mean Fitzy
actually
ate his arm. I just meant he and his cronies seem weird. I wouldn’t put a little bird barbecue past them.”
“I think I understand,” Basmati said grimly as helooked into Theo’s brown eyes. “You know something, don’t you? Did you help them? Did you kill my bird? You did, didn’t you? You’re a bird killer!”
“No! I’m a vegetarian! I love animals. They’re my best friends! Just ask Macaroni! Actually, he doesn’t speak English. But if he did, he would tell you I love animals!”
“You hate animals! It’s written all over your face,” Basmati answered Theo.
“What? No! That’s just my natural expression. I swear,” Theo replied nervously. “Did I mention I volunteer at a squirrel-cide hotline? I talk suicidal squirrels off the ledge. Would an animal hater do that?”
“Chunk, get a grip,” Lulu muttered quietly to Theo.
“Okay, maybe I made that last part up, but I really do love animals. I would never hurt Toothpaste. As a matter of fact, I’m not leaving here until I rescue him. Toothpaste is the Lindbergh baby of our generation!”
“That is a dreadful analogy, Theo. The Lindbergh baby died,” Madeleine explained morbidly.
“Fine, then he’s our Patty Hearst!”
“Who’s Patty Hearst?” Garrison asked.
“Patty Hearst is an heiress who was kidnapped,brainwashed, and forced to take part in a bank robbery. She subsequently went to prison but was eventually freed and pardoned. Now, while Patty lived, I must disagree with this analogy as well. I highly doubt Toothpaste is being brainwashed and trained for larceny.”
“Would you stop with the historical facts? The important thing is that my inner activist is back! Free Toothpaste! Free Toothpaste! Free Toothpaste! Free Toothpaste!” Theo chanted animatedly.
“Chubby, have you completely forgotten about saving School of Fear? We don’t have time to rescue Toothpaste! We need to rescue ourselves,” Mrs. Wellington snapped in disbelief.
Basmati gazed intently at the School of Fearians, looking each and every one of them over before closing his eyes. After a few seconds, he opened his eyes and began humming rather loudly. This was a most unusual sort of humming, as it was fast-paced and frenetic in style, almost operatic. The School of Fearians watched with perplexed expressions as Basmati then began conducting himself, waving his arms rapidly back and forth as his humming reached a crescendo.
“He’s actually pretty good; I would totally hire himfor a party or bar mitzvah or something,” Theo mumbled to Madeleine as the odd man finished.
Mrs. Wellington watched Basmati closely, unsure how to interpret his musical interlude. After all, it certainly wasn’t every day that a man broke into a humming opera in the middle of a conversation. But for Basmati, humming was a means of clearing his mind before making an important decision.
“If you promise to bring back Toothpaste, I’ll handle your stepson,” Basmati announced unemotionally while staring at Mrs. Wellington.
The old woman turned and assessed Theo, Lulu, Garrison, Madeleine, and Hyacinth. They were the strongest students she had ever had, and as such she trusted them implicitly.
“I give you my word: we will find Toothpaste and bring him home.”
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Ophidiophobia is the fear
of snakes.
T he sleeping arrangements at the Contrary Conservatory proved exceptionally limited due to the high number of guests and peculiar use of space. Much like the first floor, the second floor had a bevy of bizarre rooms, such as the Greenhouse for Dead Plants, the Brightly Lit Dark Room, and the Reverse Tanning Booth for Turning People Pale. However, nowhere in the entire residence was there a single bedroom. As he had his whole life, Basmati slept in a bathtub, considering coldporcelain to be the height of comfort. With this in mind, it was hardly a surprise that he had sent the Contrarians to sleep on the old wooden pews in
actually
ate his arm. I just meant he and his cronies seem weird. I wouldn’t put a little bird barbecue past them.”
“I think I understand,” Basmati said grimly as helooked into Theo’s brown eyes. “You know something, don’t you? Did you help them? Did you kill my bird? You did, didn’t you? You’re a bird killer!”
“No! I’m a vegetarian! I love animals. They’re my best friends! Just ask Macaroni! Actually, he doesn’t speak English. But if he did, he would tell you I love animals!”
“You hate animals! It’s written all over your face,” Basmati answered Theo.
“What? No! That’s just my natural expression. I swear,” Theo replied nervously. “Did I mention I volunteer at a squirrel-cide hotline? I talk suicidal squirrels off the ledge. Would an animal hater do that?”
“Chunk, get a grip,” Lulu muttered quietly to Theo.
“Okay, maybe I made that last part up, but I really do love animals. I would never hurt Toothpaste. As a matter of fact, I’m not leaving here until I rescue him. Toothpaste is the Lindbergh baby of our generation!”
“That is a dreadful analogy, Theo. The Lindbergh baby died,” Madeleine explained morbidly.
“Fine, then he’s our Patty Hearst!”
“Who’s Patty Hearst?” Garrison asked.
“Patty Hearst is an heiress who was kidnapped,brainwashed, and forced to take part in a bank robbery. She subsequently went to prison but was eventually freed and pardoned. Now, while Patty lived, I must disagree with this analogy as well. I highly doubt Toothpaste is being brainwashed and trained for larceny.”
“Would you stop with the historical facts? The important thing is that my inner activist is back! Free Toothpaste! Free Toothpaste! Free Toothpaste! Free Toothpaste!” Theo chanted animatedly.
“Chubby, have you completely forgotten about saving School of Fear? We don’t have time to rescue Toothpaste! We need to rescue ourselves,” Mrs. Wellington snapped in disbelief.
Basmati gazed intently at the School of Fearians, looking each and every one of them over before closing his eyes. After a few seconds, he opened his eyes and began humming rather loudly. This was a most unusual sort of humming, as it was fast-paced and frenetic in style, almost operatic. The School of Fearians watched with perplexed expressions as Basmati then began conducting himself, waving his arms rapidly back and forth as his humming reached a crescendo.
“He’s actually pretty good; I would totally hire himfor a party or bar mitzvah or something,” Theo mumbled to Madeleine as the odd man finished.
Mrs. Wellington watched Basmati closely, unsure how to interpret his musical interlude. After all, it certainly wasn’t every day that a man broke into a humming opera in the middle of a conversation. But for Basmati, humming was a means of clearing his mind before making an important decision.
“If you promise to bring back Toothpaste, I’ll handle your stepson,” Basmati announced unemotionally while staring at Mrs. Wellington.
The old woman turned and assessed Theo, Lulu, Garrison, Madeleine, and Hyacinth. They were the strongest students she had ever had, and as such she trusted them implicitly.
“I give you my word: we will find Toothpaste and bring him home.”
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Ophidiophobia is the fear
of snakes.
T he sleeping arrangements at the Contrary Conservatory proved exceptionally limited due to the high number of guests and peculiar use of space. Much like the first floor, the second floor had a bevy of bizarre rooms, such as the Greenhouse for Dead Plants, the Brightly Lit Dark Room, and the Reverse Tanning Booth for Turning People Pale. However, nowhere in the entire residence was there a single bedroom. As he had his whole life, Basmati slept in a bathtub, considering coldporcelain to be the height of comfort. With this in mind, it was hardly a surprise that he had sent the Contrarians to sleep on the old wooden pews in
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