coffee, my laughter became louder until I didn’t even know why I was laughing any more. Everyone seemed to be laughing. The crowd was there for one reason only – to have fun. They were from all over the region. Unlike the petty local politics of the barbecue, this random group readily accepted anyone of the same mind, anyone who wanted to dance. No one was an outsider here.
With a couple of drinks in our bellies Chris and I joined the dance floor. Whenever the music stopped my thoughts were in a wonderful whirr and everyone around me was in a similar state, simultaneously catching their breath and embracing whoever they happened to be standing beside. On the dance floor everyone had the right to kiss anyone. That’s when I saw Mia at the door. I don’t know how long she’d been in the barn. She was standing against the back wall, wearing rough-cut denim shorts and a white shirt. She was the only young woman there, the only woman under the age of twenty. She was alone. I couldn’t see Håkan, or his wife. Despite our long conversation, I felt curiously shy. In the end she walked towards us, tapping Chris on the shoulder, asking if she could have the next dance. Obviously I thought she meant could she dance with Chris, the pair of them, and so I smiled and told him to go ahead. But Mia shook her head, saying she wanted to dance with me! Chris laughed and said that was an excellent idea – he was going outside to smoke.
The band began to play. The song was fast, the fastest they’d played so far, and we were dancing – Mia and me. I was drunk, wondering if Mia had come to this dance to talk to me. To test the theory I asked whether she attended these events often, and she shook her head and said this was the first she’d ever been to. At that point I asked if she was okay. Her poise and confidence fell away. She seemed young and lost. I felt her fingers press against my back – like this—
• • •
P ULLING ME UP FROM THE CHAIR , my mum positioned me in the middle of the living-room floor as though we were dance partners. She placed my hands on her back, re-creating the scene.
We continued to dance but she didn’t want to talk any more. When the music finished Mia let go. She turned to the band and whistled, clapping loudly, enthusiastically showing her appreciation, pausing only to brush her hair behind her ear.
People were watching us.
Without a word to Mia, I returned to the tables at the back of the barn, leaving her whistling and applauding. Chris was holding a full glass of schnapps to his lips, holding it there, pressed against his bottom lip, but not drinking. He looked at me as if I’d behaved inappropriately, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had somehow behaved inappropriately. I poured myself a glass, raised a toast, finished it in one, and turned around. The huge barn doors were wide open. Moths were fluttering for the light. And Mia was gone.
• • •
M Y MUM BROKE FROM THE DANCE STANCE . Briefly she appeared to have forgotten about me. For the first time her flow faltered, and only when I rested my hand on her shoulder did she start again, slowly at first, her tempo building, recovering her lost momentum.
Chris and I danced a few more numbers. For me, it was no longer with the same joy. My heart wasn’t in it. The drink didn’t make me happy. It made me tired. Before long Chris and I walked back to the farm. As for the sex, I tried. I hoped to be everything he wanted. But it had never felt like work before. Chris told me that I should have a smoke, to help me unwind. He proceeded to roll a joint. I wasn’t opposed to the idea. I hadn’t smoked the drug for many years. Maybe it would help. Anyway, this was a night of fun. So I waited for him to finish and took a drag, counting down the seconds until my head turned light. When it happened, I stood up, the sheet slipping off me, standing naked, blowing smoke in an imitation of a sultry seductive
With a couple of drinks in our bellies Chris and I joined the dance floor. Whenever the music stopped my thoughts were in a wonderful whirr and everyone around me was in a similar state, simultaneously catching their breath and embracing whoever they happened to be standing beside. On the dance floor everyone had the right to kiss anyone. That’s when I saw Mia at the door. I don’t know how long she’d been in the barn. She was standing against the back wall, wearing rough-cut denim shorts and a white shirt. She was the only young woman there, the only woman under the age of twenty. She was alone. I couldn’t see Håkan, or his wife. Despite our long conversation, I felt curiously shy. In the end she walked towards us, tapping Chris on the shoulder, asking if she could have the next dance. Obviously I thought she meant could she dance with Chris, the pair of them, and so I smiled and told him to go ahead. But Mia shook her head, saying she wanted to dance with me! Chris laughed and said that was an excellent idea – he was going outside to smoke.
The band began to play. The song was fast, the fastest they’d played so far, and we were dancing – Mia and me. I was drunk, wondering if Mia had come to this dance to talk to me. To test the theory I asked whether she attended these events often, and she shook her head and said this was the first she’d ever been to. At that point I asked if she was okay. Her poise and confidence fell away. She seemed young and lost. I felt her fingers press against my back – like this—
• • •
P ULLING ME UP FROM THE CHAIR , my mum positioned me in the middle of the living-room floor as though we were dance partners. She placed my hands on her back, re-creating the scene.
We continued to dance but she didn’t want to talk any more. When the music finished Mia let go. She turned to the band and whistled, clapping loudly, enthusiastically showing her appreciation, pausing only to brush her hair behind her ear.
People were watching us.
Without a word to Mia, I returned to the tables at the back of the barn, leaving her whistling and applauding. Chris was holding a full glass of schnapps to his lips, holding it there, pressed against his bottom lip, but not drinking. He looked at me as if I’d behaved inappropriately, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had somehow behaved inappropriately. I poured myself a glass, raised a toast, finished it in one, and turned around. The huge barn doors were wide open. Moths were fluttering for the light. And Mia was gone.
• • •
M Y MUM BROKE FROM THE DANCE STANCE . Briefly she appeared to have forgotten about me. For the first time her flow faltered, and only when I rested my hand on her shoulder did she start again, slowly at first, her tempo building, recovering her lost momentum.
Chris and I danced a few more numbers. For me, it was no longer with the same joy. My heart wasn’t in it. The drink didn’t make me happy. It made me tired. Before long Chris and I walked back to the farm. As for the sex, I tried. I hoped to be everything he wanted. But it had never felt like work before. Chris told me that I should have a smoke, to help me unwind. He proceeded to roll a joint. I wasn’t opposed to the idea. I hadn’t smoked the drug for many years. Maybe it would help. Anyway, this was a night of fun. So I waited for him to finish and took a drag, counting down the seconds until my head turned light. When it happened, I stood up, the sheet slipping off me, standing naked, blowing smoke in an imitation of a sultry seductive
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