confessed to his mum that he’d felt more angry about my death on that day than any other in the nine weeks prior; that he’d been enraged by the lack of empathy from other parents, whom he’d felt had looked upon him and Ellie with silent, detached judgement; that he’d felt overwhelming resentment towards me for casting him as the tragic widower, upon whom all curious eyes were surreptitiously cast; and that, worst of all, he’d hated himself for his own discomfort, for his embarrassment atEllie’s behaviour and for his wish that she could have abandoned her grief for just one afternoon. He said he’d yearned to be part of a normal, inconspicuous family, whose personal tragedy wasn’t the topic of trackside conversation, where gossip and speculation masquerade as sympathy and understanding. And that, at the end of it all, his guilt about all those feelings had been almost intolerable.
Max prises Ellie’s head gently from his shoulder and holds her face in his hands.
‘It’s fine, sweetheart. You’re going to be just fine. We’ll be right here, cheering you on. We won’t move from this spot, I promise.’
Ellie looks deep into Max’s eyes with an intensity so much greater than befits her years.
‘You promise you’re not going anywhere? You’re going to stay right there, all afternoon?’
‘We promise, angel. Don’t we, Connor?’
‘Scout’s honour, princess. Where else could we possibly want to be when there’s our favourite little girl competing all afternoon?’
Ellie grants them a wistful smile, seemingly more for their benefit than her own. She slips warily from Max’s lap, turns to leave and then circles back for one additional paternal hug before walking across the field to rejoin her classmates. Halfway over she halts for a second, revolves to face Max and Connor and gives them an almost imperceptible wave of insecurity. Her daddy and her uncle respond with exaggerated reassurance, Connor blowing kisses and Max waving enthusiastically back.
‘She’s still a bit clingy, then?’
Connor and Max both keep a watchful eye on Ellie’s completed journey.
‘To be honest, she hasn’t been too bad lately. No bed-wetting for ages now and she generally only comes in with me just before the alarm goes off. I thought she’d been a lot more settled until just now.’
‘One day at a time, huh?’
‘Yeah, I know. I just don’t like seeing her so insecure again.’
They lapse into a respectful silence, as if in honour of Ellie’s adversity.
‘She’ll be okay, Max. It’s going to take some time, but she will.’
‘I hope you’re right. I suppose, if I’m honest, I knew today might trigger something in her. It’s hard enough for me not having Rachel here for events like this so I can’t really imagine what it’s like for Ellie.’
And it’s hard for me too, to be here but not be here, to hear you but not be heard, to see you but not be seen. To want to make things better for you and Ellie but being powerless to do so.
‘It’s tough, there’s no doubt about it. It’s no surprise she’ll have moments like that, given everything she’s been through. Two steps forward and one back, I reckon.’
‘You’re probably right. That’s why I was so pleased when you said you could come today. She might not have both her parents here and it’s unfortunate timing that Mum and Dad are on holiday, but at least she’s still got the two of us supporting her.’
‘Hey, I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. Not even for a client lunch at Nobu.’
‘I’m sure that’s not too much of a sacrifice, is it, given the number of client lunches you seem to go on every week?’
‘It’s all work, Max, whatever you might think. In fact, the bloke I was supposed to be meeting today owns a massive TV company, the one that made the new comedy show on Channel 4 last Friday that everyone’s been raving about. Did you see it? I couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about. Didn’t
Max prises Ellie’s head gently from his shoulder and holds her face in his hands.
‘It’s fine, sweetheart. You’re going to be just fine. We’ll be right here, cheering you on. We won’t move from this spot, I promise.’
Ellie looks deep into Max’s eyes with an intensity so much greater than befits her years.
‘You promise you’re not going anywhere? You’re going to stay right there, all afternoon?’
‘We promise, angel. Don’t we, Connor?’
‘Scout’s honour, princess. Where else could we possibly want to be when there’s our favourite little girl competing all afternoon?’
Ellie grants them a wistful smile, seemingly more for their benefit than her own. She slips warily from Max’s lap, turns to leave and then circles back for one additional paternal hug before walking across the field to rejoin her classmates. Halfway over she halts for a second, revolves to face Max and Connor and gives them an almost imperceptible wave of insecurity. Her daddy and her uncle respond with exaggerated reassurance, Connor blowing kisses and Max waving enthusiastically back.
‘She’s still a bit clingy, then?’
Connor and Max both keep a watchful eye on Ellie’s completed journey.
‘To be honest, she hasn’t been too bad lately. No bed-wetting for ages now and she generally only comes in with me just before the alarm goes off. I thought she’d been a lot more settled until just now.’
‘One day at a time, huh?’
‘Yeah, I know. I just don’t like seeing her so insecure again.’
They lapse into a respectful silence, as if in honour of Ellie’s adversity.
‘She’ll be okay, Max. It’s going to take some time, but she will.’
‘I hope you’re right. I suppose, if I’m honest, I knew today might trigger something in her. It’s hard enough for me not having Rachel here for events like this so I can’t really imagine what it’s like for Ellie.’
And it’s hard for me too, to be here but not be here, to hear you but not be heard, to see you but not be seen. To want to make things better for you and Ellie but being powerless to do so.
‘It’s tough, there’s no doubt about it. It’s no surprise she’ll have moments like that, given everything she’s been through. Two steps forward and one back, I reckon.’
‘You’re probably right. That’s why I was so pleased when you said you could come today. She might not have both her parents here and it’s unfortunate timing that Mum and Dad are on holiday, but at least she’s still got the two of us supporting her.’
‘Hey, I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. Not even for a client lunch at Nobu.’
‘I’m sure that’s not too much of a sacrifice, is it, given the number of client lunches you seem to go on every week?’
‘It’s all work, Max, whatever you might think. In fact, the bloke I was supposed to be meeting today owns a massive TV company, the one that made the new comedy show on Channel 4 last Friday that everyone’s been raving about. Did you see it? I couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about. Didn’t
Similar Books
