The Dead Fathers Club by Matt Haig Page A

Stop you having to gawp at fish all day long.
    I walked over to the bag and could see what it was when I got closer because I could see the words which said PS 2 under the carrier bag. I got the box out of the bag and I tried to open it but it was too hard. Uncle Alans hands came from over my head and opened the box and then I got the PlayStation 2 out and it was protected by bubble poppers. It was a grey box with wires and it had instructions and Uncle Alan said Ill set it up for you. I turned to Mum while Uncle Alan was on the floor by the TV with his big bum in the air like he was religious and Mum said with her volume down Say thank you.
    Then she said it again SAY THANK YOU like she was shouting but still with no noise like behind a window. And I didnt want to say it because Uncle Alan was only trying to buy me so he could have sex with Mum but Mums eyes were remote controls so I said Thank you but really quiet like Thank you.
    Uncle Alan turned round and said What?
    I said Thank you for the PlayStation.
    He smiled and nodded and said What are Uncles for?
    But it was one of those questions with no answer so I didnt.
    And I looked at Mum and she was looking at me with a head more sideways than Mrs Fell and she was happy and she went out of the room and Uncle Alans bum was still in the air like he was saying prayers to the TV.
    PlayStation
    PrayStation
    And I was standing there and I was looking at him and then I was looking at the poker by the fire which was not a real fire but it was a real poker. I thought I could pick it up and hit him on the HEAD and he would be dead. I thought of Sleepy Eye Terry and I thought of Dads Ghost in the Terrors and he would tell me to pick up the poker and kill him but then I thought other things. I thought then everyone would know it was me and I would be taken away from Mum and I must think of another way to kill him and not after he has bought a PlayStation.
    And Uncle Alan said There should be two games in the box.
    And I went to the box and inside there were two games and they were called Primal Curse An Adventure of Fortune Death and Danger and Miami Speedboat 5.
    And Mum came in with a glass of Pepsi for me and a glass of whisky for Uncle Alan and put them on the table still smiling out of her neck and Uncle Alan said There you go its all yours.
    I put on a game and it was Primal Curse and it was a two player and I sat there with the controls and Mum said Alan will play with you wont you Alan?
    And Uncle Alan said Right. Yes.
    I didnt want to play with him but I wanted to beat him and his big hands on the small controls and I just sat there on the carpet and he sat on the sofa and we played the game.
    Uncle Alan was a man with a sword and a shield and I was a man with a metal ball with spikes and it was on a chain and I could use the controls to swing it above my head and then let the chain go long so it hit Uncle Alans man in the head. Each time I hit him there was a noise like the man was in pain and a blood splat in the air.
    Uncle Alan said Ow.
    He tried to get his sword out and fight me but I didnt give him a chance and my points and my lifeline went up and his went down from green to brown to red. Uncle Alan just looked at me and I think he was scared about what Id do if I had real weapons and I didnt look at him I just kept pressing my fingers on the controls. That is when Mum came in and said It looks a bit violent.
    But I kept going until it said Game Over.

WAYS I CAN KILL UNCLE ALAN
Hammer on his head in his sleep. But I will need a big swing and I might miss.
Knife in his neck in his sleep. But the blood might go over Mum.
Use a pillow on his face in his sleep. But he is too strong and he might escape.
Push him in the River Trent which has a strong current and it will pull him to the bottom and he will DROWN in the BROWN water with his fishing rod. But I will need a very long run up and I might fall in and he always goes fishing with Mr Fairview and SLEEPY EYE