The Darker Side of Pleasure by Eden Bradley

her so hard? He’d thought he was doing it for her own good, for the good of their marriage. But how much of it had been purely for his own desires? And now he’d pushed her away.
    He knew she’d had some sort of emotional breakthrough last night at the end of their play session. He’d read about that happening, and he’d thought he had handled it the right way. But maybe it was simply too much for her. He loved what they’d been doing together. But not more than he loved her. He needed to tell her that.
    When he pulled up in front of Briana’s, Jillian’s car was parked out front.
    Briana opened the door at his knock. She was wearing sweats and her hair was mussed, but she didn’t look angry. That was a good start, he guessed.
    “I need to talk to my wife.”
    Briana looked away, then swung her gaze back to his. “She asked me not to let you in. But I think she needs you.”
    He started to move past her, into the house, but she put a hand on his arm. “Cam, she’s very fragile right now. Very raw.”
    He nodded. “I know.”
    “Okay. She’s in my room.”
    He found her in Briana’s bed, wrapped in a white down quilt. A cup of tea sat on the nightstand beside her. He could smell the chamomile and the sweet tang of honey.
    Jillian turned her head away from him as he sat down beside her. “I can’t talk to you now, Cam.”
    He could hear the weight of grief in her voice and his heart ached for her.
    “I think we need to talk. Right now.”
    “Please, Cam—”
    “No, Jillian. You can’t run away from it anymore. That’s what this is all about. Don’t you see that?”
    “All I see is that it hurts too much.”
    “I know. But it’s time to stop hurting. It’s time to stop blaming yourself.”
    Her head whipped around. Her eyes were huge, her lashes damp with tears. “How did you know?”
    “It wasn’t your fault.”
    “No. It was my fault. You don’t understand why, but it was. And I can’t stand to lie to you anymore. I can’t stand to be with you and feel everything I’m feeling, finally. I love you too much, and you deserve better.” The tears spilled over onto her pale cheeks. She said in a whisper, “I lost the baby because I didn’t want it.”
    The admission was almost too much to bear. The words tore through her chest, into her heart, but she had to say it. Had to say the whole thing out loud.
    She looked into Cameron’s eyes. They were dark with strain, his brows furrowed. “It was my fault, Cam, because I didn’t want the baby.”
    “What? What do you mean?”
    She went on, the words tearing like shards of broken glass as they left her mouth. “I didn’t want it. Not at first. We weren’t prepared. We hadn’t planned on ever having children. After the first three months, when the morning sickness was gone and I’d had some time to accept how much our lives were going to change, I started to really love the baby. But it was too late.” Her voice broke on a sob and she pressed a hand to her mouth.
    “Oh, my God, Jillian. You have to know that’s not true. You’ve been carrying this around with you this whole time? Jesus.” His voice was thick with emotion. “You have to let this go.”
    She shook her head. “It hurts too much, Cam. Especially now.”
    “Why now?”
    “After…after last night. It was as if my whole being just opened up. And everything came pouring out. Good stuff, but the bad stuff, too. It’s like I’ve been split wide open. It was too much, realizing how much I’d hurt you. How much damage I’ve done. I feel…irredeemable.”
    “Is that why you came here? Why you felt you had to get away?”
    The pain in her chest was fierce, burning. “I don’t think I can do this anymore, Cam. I don’t think I can be with you and feel like this.” She began to shake all over.
    “No, honey. Don’t say that.” Cam tried to take her in his arms, but she shook him off. She couldn’t stand it if he touched her now.
    “Don’t pull away. I can’t lose