The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong by A.J. Adams

What can I do for you?”
    C ALLER: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”
    M E: “S O … it’s blue, and blue … on the thing?”
    C ALLER: “Yes.”
    M E: “Where is it blue?”
    C ALLER: “On de ting.”
    M E: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the computer screen or your camera?”
    C ALLER: “Yes … de ting.”
    M E: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at, so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”
    C ALLER: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”
    M E: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”
    C ALLER: “Yes.”
    M E: “Yes … which one?”
    C ALLER: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”
    M E: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”
    C ALLER: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME!! HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”
    M E: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak English very, very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”
    C ALLER: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”
    (This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher-level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows:)
     
     
    PROBLEM: VIDEO IS BLUE AND BLUE ON THE
    THING.
    SOLUTION: NONE AT THIS TIME.
    TROUBLESHOOTING:
    (TECH SUPPORT) IS THE THING BLUE? TRY
    REINSTALLING THE THING.
    (TECH SUPPORT) THING REINSTALLED. STILL BLUE.
    (ENGINEER) CANNOT RE-CREATE THING IN LAB.
    (ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RE-CREATED.
    THING RED.
    (And so on and so on …)
     
     

ONE-WOMAN WRECKING CREW
    G AS S TATION | O LYMPIA, W ASHINGTON
     
    W OMAN: “I’ve been standing out there trying to pump gas for the last ten minutes! Your gas pump is broken!”
    M E: “I’m sorry. I’ll go out with you and see what I can do.”
    (I see a bright red “Out of Order” bag on the nozzle; she had shoved everything into her tank, bag and all.)
     
     
    M E: “Yes, that pump is broken. You’ll need to pull up to another pump.”
    W OMAN: “Oh, well, you guys should really mark it better. I wasted a lot of time here!”
    M E: “Um … yes, we usually put a traffic cone in front.”
    W OMAN: “Oh yeah … I saw it, but I didn’t know what it was for, so I just drove over it.”
    (The cone is wedged under her car.)
     
     

JESUS, THE ONLY MASTERCARD YOU’LL EVER NEED
    C ALL C ENTER | F LORIDA
     
    M E: “Thanks for calling credit card services, how may I help you today?”
    C ARD MEMBER: “Yeah, I was just looking over my statement and see I was charged a late fee. Why?”
    M E: “Well, when we receive a payment past the due date, a late fee is normally assessed to the account. Do you have any idea why we received the payment late?”
    C ARD MEMBER: “I was on vacation and didn’t send it in until the 12th.”
    M E: “Well, the payment was due on the 8th and there is usually at least seven days between customers sending in their payment until we can receive and process them.”
    C ARD MEMBER: “Well, can you waive that fee for me?”
    M E: “Unfortunately, since the fee was billed appropriately, there isn’t any way that it can be removed.”
    C ARD MEMBER: “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior?”
    M E: “H OW is that in any way relevant to this conversation?”
    C ARD MEMBER: “Jesus would waive my fee!”
    M E: “Jesus wouldn’t own a bank.”

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR
    R ESTAURANT | H OUSTON, T EXAS
     
    (A customer and her son come into our restaurant, dressed really nice, but literally looking down their noses at me.)
     
     
    C USTOMER: “S O, how did you end up here?”
    M E: “Excuse me?”
    C USTOMER: “What exactly did you do to end up working in fast food at your age? I don’t want my son