The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong by A.J. Adams Page B

you.”
    C USTOMER: “But I don’t have glasses on.”
    M E: “Okay then—I’m sorry, but this isn’t valid proof of ID. I can’t take it, which means you can’t use this card.”
    C USTOMER: “Oh, well, it’s me, I was just trying to help you out.”
    M E: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have convinced me otherwise. I cannot take it.”
    C USTOMER: “What? It’s me!”
    M E: “I know … it’s you. I was just trying to help you out.”

HOW COWS ORDER COFFEE
    D OUGHNUT S HOP | F LORIDA
     
    M E : “Good morning, how can I help you?”
    W OMAN : “Yeah, a small coffee with two Splendas and extra milk.”
    M E : “Okay, that will be $1.49.”
    (She pays and I give her the change. I proceed to make the drink. I press the “medium” button for milk and then give an extra shot. When I give it to her, she takes a sip and makes a face as if she had just taken a sip of liquefied dog s**t.)
     
     
    M E : “What seems to be the problem?”
    W OMAN : “I asked for extra milk! This is too strong.”
    M E : “Well, I’ll put some more in for you. No problem.”
    W OMAN , M UTTERING UNDER HER BREATH : “Idiot kid …”
    (I put another “medium” shot in. This is two mediums and one extra shot for a total of seven milks. She takes another sip, with the same face.)
     
     
    W OMAN : “What part of ‘extra milk’ do you not understand?”
    M E : “I understand what ‘extra milk’ means. I put in about four times the regular amount of milk.”
    W OMAN : “Well, put more!”
    (I put in more. I put a “large” shot of milk—four more. This brings our total to eleven milks, therefore being classified as milk with a little coffee.)
     
     
    M E : “Here.”
    (She takes another sip, and yes, again, she makes that freaking face.)
     
    W OMAN : “Look. ‘Extra milk’ means you put in the regular amount, and then you put in MORE.”
    M E : “I know that! That is a SMALL coffee with eleven MILKS!”
    W OMAN : “PUT IN MORE!”
    (I put in another “medium” shot
—
three more.)
     
     
    M E : “Here. The coffee is almost white now.”
    (She drinks it again and spits it all over the counter.)
     
     
    M E : “Lady, what’s your problem?”
    W OMAN : “This coffee is cold! I ordered a hot coffee, not a cold coffee! Can you comprehend that?”
    M E : “Forget this. Who’s next?”
    (My shift leader is laughing in the corner the whole time. She remakes this lady’s drink with one large shot of milk and gives it to her. She sips it… “Ah, now that’s better!”)
     
     

     

FIRST DAY, FIRST SOUL-CRUSHING EXPERIENCE
    S ANDWICH S HOP | N EWINGTON , C ONNECTICUT
     
    (We’ve recently hired a new employee at our sandwich shop, and it’s her first night on the job.)
     
     
    N EW EMPLOYEE : *smiling* “Hi, how can I help you?”
    C USTOMER : “What are YOU smiling about?!”
    (The new employee stops smiling and looks like she’s about to cry.)
     
     
    C USTOMER : “I don’t like your attitude!”
    S HIFT MANAGER : “Well, what can I say? She’s a happy employee.”
    C USTOMER : “That’s bad for business!”

GOTTA LOVE THEM REGULARS
    F AST F OOD | C OTTAGE G ROVE , M INNESOTA
     
    (This very friendly woman comes in three or four days a week, and I am usually the one who winds up taking her money at the window.)
     
     
    M E : “Hi, it’ll be $2.”
    C USTOMER : “Oh, you got your braces off! They look so nice!”
    M E : “Oh… thank you!”
    C USTOMER : “And you got your hair cut!”
    M E : “Yes, I did!”
    C USTOMER : “… I come here a little too often, don’t I?”

EXTREMELY EARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
    B OOKSTORE | O RANGE C OUNTY , N EW Y ORK
     
    (Note: It’s the middle of July.)
     
     
    M E : “Hi, how are you today?”
    F RANTIC SWEATY CUSTOMER : “Wait, where are all the Christmas trees?”
    M E : “I’m sorry?”
    F RANTIC SWEATY CUSTOMER : “This is the Christmas tree shop. Where are all the Christmas trees?”
    M E : “I’m sorry, sir. This is a Christian