didn’t want to come across as awkward or self-conscious.
Meanwhile Dr. Matthis picked up the gel bottle and squirted it noisily onto my belly. “How’s the morning sickness been lately?” she asked in a more serious tone.
“Much better,” I replied. “I haven’t thrown up since… I’m not sure. It’s probably been awhile.”
“That’s good news. No doubt you have some calories you need to catch up on.”
“For sure. It was pretty bad in the beginning, but my appetite’s finally come back.”
“And you’re still working full time?” she asked as she slid the probe in a small circle just below my navel.
“Yes.”
“Great.” She seemed distracted as she watched the screen, then turned the volume up on the fetal monitor to listen for the heartbeat. Static filled the room.
“How have you been feeling otherwise?” she asked, leaning away from me to press another button on the machine.
“Really good,” I replied.
She continued to move the probe around while I watched the video screen with bated breath. Turning to look into the camera, I whispered to Jake, as if in private: “I can’t believe we’re going to know if it’s a boy or a girl today. It’s crazy, isn’t it?”
I slid my gaze back to the screen and waited for the doctor to settle on the image. Since we’d done this before, at ten weeks, I had a pretty good idea what we were looking for.
Static from the monitor continued. The doctor moved the probe further to the left and right.
Time slowed to a surreal pace. Why was this taking so long? My heart began to pound.
Eventually, Dr. Matthis leaned forward and shut off the machine. She turned to face me, pulled a tissue from the dispenser and wiped the gel off my stomach. “Are you sure you’ve been feeling all right since I saw you last?”
“Yes.”
“Have you noticed any spotting?”
“No,” I replied with obvious concern in my voice.
Dr. Matthis wet her lips and stared at me uneasily for a few seconds. “I don’t know how to tell you this, Jenn.” She covered my hand with hers. “I’m afraid you’ve lost the baby.”
Suddenly I was panting as if I’d just run an uphill marathon. I shot a quick gaze at my mother and spoke curtly. “Turn the camera off.”
She immediately lowered it and fumbled to find the stop button.
“That can’t be true,” I said to the doctor. “I’ve been sick in the mornings, but otherwise, I’ve been fine. I would have noticed if there was bleeding. There wasn’t.”
“Are you sure?” she asked. “There would have been significant cramping as well.”
I shook my head. “No, nothing. Can you try again? With another machine? Maybe this one’s broken.”
Dr. Matthis regarded me with sympathy, then instructed the nurse to bring in another ultrasound machine.
A moment later, we were repeating the same procedure with a smaller, portable unit. I kept waiting for the beautiful, rapid whirly thrum of the baby’s heartbeat, but heard only a steady stream of static. The doctor searched and searched, moving the probe over my belly until I began to weep quietly.
“I don’t understand,” I said, pressing my palm to my forehead. “I thought we were fine.”
The doctor shut everything off again. “I’m so sorry, Jenn.”
The walls seemed to close in all around me. I felt like I was losing my breath. My mother moved to hold me in her arms while I struggled to grasp the heart-crushing fact that I’d lost the baby I’d wanted so desperately. The baby I’d loved and dreamed about.
Heaven help me. How would I ever tell Jake?
Chapter Twenty-seven
That night, while I lay in bed in total darkness and silence, hugging a pillow and staring at the wall, my mother baked cookies in my kitchen. It was a generous but regrettably hopeless attempt to offer comfort because I was convinced that nothing could ever pull me out of this funk.
I still didn’t understand how any of this could have happened. That very morning, barely eight hours
Meanwhile Dr. Matthis picked up the gel bottle and squirted it noisily onto my belly. “How’s the morning sickness been lately?” she asked in a more serious tone.
“Much better,” I replied. “I haven’t thrown up since… I’m not sure. It’s probably been awhile.”
“That’s good news. No doubt you have some calories you need to catch up on.”
“For sure. It was pretty bad in the beginning, but my appetite’s finally come back.”
“And you’re still working full time?” she asked as she slid the probe in a small circle just below my navel.
“Yes.”
“Great.” She seemed distracted as she watched the screen, then turned the volume up on the fetal monitor to listen for the heartbeat. Static filled the room.
“How have you been feeling otherwise?” she asked, leaning away from me to press another button on the machine.
“Really good,” I replied.
She continued to move the probe around while I watched the video screen with bated breath. Turning to look into the camera, I whispered to Jake, as if in private: “I can’t believe we’re going to know if it’s a boy or a girl today. It’s crazy, isn’t it?”
I slid my gaze back to the screen and waited for the doctor to settle on the image. Since we’d done this before, at ten weeks, I had a pretty good idea what we were looking for.
Static from the monitor continued. The doctor moved the probe further to the left and right.
Time slowed to a surreal pace. Why was this taking so long? My heart began to pound.
Eventually, Dr. Matthis leaned forward and shut off the machine. She turned to face me, pulled a tissue from the dispenser and wiped the gel off my stomach. “Are you sure you’ve been feeling all right since I saw you last?”
“Yes.”
“Have you noticed any spotting?”
“No,” I replied with obvious concern in my voice.
Dr. Matthis wet her lips and stared at me uneasily for a few seconds. “I don’t know how to tell you this, Jenn.” She covered my hand with hers. “I’m afraid you’ve lost the baby.”
Suddenly I was panting as if I’d just run an uphill marathon. I shot a quick gaze at my mother and spoke curtly. “Turn the camera off.”
She immediately lowered it and fumbled to find the stop button.
“That can’t be true,” I said to the doctor. “I’ve been sick in the mornings, but otherwise, I’ve been fine. I would have noticed if there was bleeding. There wasn’t.”
“Are you sure?” she asked. “There would have been significant cramping as well.”
I shook my head. “No, nothing. Can you try again? With another machine? Maybe this one’s broken.”
Dr. Matthis regarded me with sympathy, then instructed the nurse to bring in another ultrasound machine.
A moment later, we were repeating the same procedure with a smaller, portable unit. I kept waiting for the beautiful, rapid whirly thrum of the baby’s heartbeat, but heard only a steady stream of static. The doctor searched and searched, moving the probe over my belly until I began to weep quietly.
“I don’t understand,” I said, pressing my palm to my forehead. “I thought we were fine.”
The doctor shut everything off again. “I’m so sorry, Jenn.”
The walls seemed to close in all around me. I felt like I was losing my breath. My mother moved to hold me in her arms while I struggled to grasp the heart-crushing fact that I’d lost the baby I’d wanted so desperately. The baby I’d loved and dreamed about.
Heaven help me. How would I ever tell Jake?
Chapter Twenty-seven
That night, while I lay in bed in total darkness and silence, hugging a pillow and staring at the wall, my mother baked cookies in my kitchen. It was a generous but regrettably hopeless attempt to offer comfort because I was convinced that nothing could ever pull me out of this funk.
I still didn’t understand how any of this could have happened. That very morning, barely eight hours
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