earlier, I’d been sitting at the kitchen table with my hand on my belly, waiting eagerly to feel the baby kick for the first time, which I’d expected to happen any day.
A gentle knock sounded at my door. My body seemed made of lead. Somehow I managed to roll onto my back. “Come in.”
The door opened and light spilled across the floor. I squinted as my pupils adjusted.
“Hey,” Sylvie said. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been hit by a truck. And I have a pain in my head. Right here.” I pointed at my forehead.
She nodded with understanding. “Mind if I come in?”
“As long as you promise not to turn on the light,” I replied. “I don’t want to look at the world. It hurts.”
Sylvie entered but left the door open a crack. Sitting down on the edge of my bed, she stroked my hair away from my face. “I’m sorry, Jenn. I know there’s nothing anyone can say to make it better. I just want you to know that I understand and I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
“Thank you.” I swallowed over a painful lump in my throat that rose up out of nowhere.
“I don’t know what to do,” I confessed. “I feel so lost. It’s like somebody just ripped my heart out and stole my whole life, my future, right out from under me.”
Sylvie shifted slightly. “Would you like me to tell Jake for you? If you’re not feeling up to it?”
“Tell him what?” I asked, glancing at my alarm clock. “We usually chat at midnight.” That was two hours from now. I sat up against the headboard, ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath. “I feel gross. I can’t let him see me like this. I should take a shower.”
“You look fine,” she assured me while staring at me intently. “And no one expects you to be a hundred percent right now. Not after what you’ve been through.”
Wringing my hands together on my lap, I said, “What I’ve been through…? That’s right. Oh God.”
The baby … I inched down on the bed and covered my face with my hands.
“How am I going to tell him? I know what he’ll say. He’ll say, ‘See? I told you this would happen.’ And I don’t want him to think he has to carry me emotionally. He went through that before with his first wife. She couldn’t get over losing their baby. She got really depressed and blamed him, and I don’t want to be pathetic like that. You’re pathetic like that, too.” I stopped myself. “Oh, God, did I just say that? That was so insensitive.”
What was wrong with me?
My sister looked down at her hands. “Yeah.”
Neither of us said anything for a moment or two. Then Sylvie’s eyes lifted. “Depression’s not something you can control, you know. Sometimes it’s a chemical imbalance or it’s hormonal. It can happen to anyone at any time. Even to you, Jenn.”
Not wanting to argue with her, I lowered my gaze. It’s not that I disagreed. I knew it could happen to anyone; I just didn’t believe it would ever happen to me . I’d always been incredibly rational and self-disciplined. I remained calm in a crisis when everyone else around me was in a panic—because I was in control of my mind and therefore my emotions. I almost never let them get the better of me.
Well…the pregnancy hormones had caused a few changes, but I refused to consider that the same thing.
But still, I understood what she was trying to tell me—that I had to be more forgiving and understanding when others were suffering.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you lately,” I said. “I’ve had my own stuff going on. Know what I mean?”
“Of course.” She twirled the birthstone ring around on her finger. “I want to talk to you about that, actually.”
Recognizing my sister’s hesitation, I regarded her curiously.
When I gave no reply, her eyes lifted again. “Do you still have no idea when you lost the baby?”
Our neighbor’s dog began to bark outside in their backyard. I glanced toward the open window. Then, without warning,
A gentle knock sounded at my door. My body seemed made of lead. Somehow I managed to roll onto my back. “Come in.”
The door opened and light spilled across the floor. I squinted as my pupils adjusted.
“Hey,” Sylvie said. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been hit by a truck. And I have a pain in my head. Right here.” I pointed at my forehead.
She nodded with understanding. “Mind if I come in?”
“As long as you promise not to turn on the light,” I replied. “I don’t want to look at the world. It hurts.”
Sylvie entered but left the door open a crack. Sitting down on the edge of my bed, she stroked my hair away from my face. “I’m sorry, Jenn. I know there’s nothing anyone can say to make it better. I just want you to know that I understand and I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
“Thank you.” I swallowed over a painful lump in my throat that rose up out of nowhere.
“I don’t know what to do,” I confessed. “I feel so lost. It’s like somebody just ripped my heart out and stole my whole life, my future, right out from under me.”
Sylvie shifted slightly. “Would you like me to tell Jake for you? If you’re not feeling up to it?”
“Tell him what?” I asked, glancing at my alarm clock. “We usually chat at midnight.” That was two hours from now. I sat up against the headboard, ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath. “I feel gross. I can’t let him see me like this. I should take a shower.”
“You look fine,” she assured me while staring at me intently. “And no one expects you to be a hundred percent right now. Not after what you’ve been through.”
Wringing my hands together on my lap, I said, “What I’ve been through…? That’s right. Oh God.”
The baby … I inched down on the bed and covered my face with my hands.
“How am I going to tell him? I know what he’ll say. He’ll say, ‘See? I told you this would happen.’ And I don’t want him to think he has to carry me emotionally. He went through that before with his first wife. She couldn’t get over losing their baby. She got really depressed and blamed him, and I don’t want to be pathetic like that. You’re pathetic like that, too.” I stopped myself. “Oh, God, did I just say that? That was so insensitive.”
What was wrong with me?
My sister looked down at her hands. “Yeah.”
Neither of us said anything for a moment or two. Then Sylvie’s eyes lifted. “Depression’s not something you can control, you know. Sometimes it’s a chemical imbalance or it’s hormonal. It can happen to anyone at any time. Even to you, Jenn.”
Not wanting to argue with her, I lowered my gaze. It’s not that I disagreed. I knew it could happen to anyone; I just didn’t believe it would ever happen to me . I’d always been incredibly rational and self-disciplined. I remained calm in a crisis when everyone else around me was in a panic—because I was in control of my mind and therefore my emotions. I almost never let them get the better of me.
Well…the pregnancy hormones had caused a few changes, but I refused to consider that the same thing.
But still, I understood what she was trying to tell me—that I had to be more forgiving and understanding when others were suffering.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you lately,” I said. “I’ve had my own stuff going on. Know what I mean?”
“Of course.” She twirled the birthstone ring around on her finger. “I want to talk to you about that, actually.”
Recognizing my sister’s hesitation, I regarded her curiously.
When I gave no reply, her eyes lifted again. “Do you still have no idea when you lost the baby?”
Our neighbor’s dog began to bark outside in their backyard. I glanced toward the open window. Then, without warning,
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