The Clowns of God by Morris West

security boys. They have no inhibitions about breaking heads in the service of God. This Francone is obviously one of them. I feel better now much better! Let’s go home to lunch.”
    During the meal, Lotte was very quiet; but afterwards, when the Franks had retired for their siesta, she made her position plain.
    “I’m not going to Florence, Carl, not to Ischia or anywhere out of Rome unless you’re with me. If you’re in danger I have to share it; otherwise I’m nothing but a piece of furniture in your life.”
    “Please dear, be sensible! You don’t have to prove anything to me.”
    “Have you never thought I might have to prove it to myself?”
    “Why, for God’s sake?”
    “Because, ever since we married, I’ve been on the comfortable side of the bed; the wife of a notable scholar first, and then the Frau Professor at Tubingen. I’ve never had to think too much about anything, except having my babies and running the house. You were always there, a strong wall against the wind. I’ve never had to test myself without you.
    I’ve never had a rival. It was wonderful, all of it; but now, looking at other women my age, I feel very inadequate.”
    “Why should you? Do you think I could have made this career without you, without the home you provided, and all the loving inside it?”
    “I think so, yes. Not quite in the same way perhaps but yes, you’d have made it without me. You’re not just a stuffy scholar. There’s an adventurer in you, too. Oh, yes! I’ve seen him peeping out sometimes and I’ve shut the door on him because he frightened me. Now, I want to see more of him, know him better, enjoy him before it’s too late.”
    She was weeping now, quiet tender tears. Mendelius reached out and drew her to him, coaxing her softly.
    “There’s nothing to be sad about, darling. We’re here together. I don’t want to push you away. It’s just that suddenly, yesterday, I saw the face of evil real evil! That girl she couldn’t have been much older than Katrin looked like one of Dolci’s Madonnas. But she shot a man in cold blood, not to kill him but to maim him in his manhood … I don’t want you exposed to that sort of cruelty.”
    “But I am exposed to it, Carl! I’m part of it, just as much as you are. When Katrin went off to Paris with her Franz, I wished I were young again and going in her place. I was jealous; because she was getting something I never had. When you and Johann used to fight, a part of me was glad, because he would always turn to me afterwards. He was like a young lover with whom I could make you jealous. There! It’s out now; and if you hate me I can’t help it.”
    “I can’t hate you, darling. I’ve never ever been able to be angry with you for very long.”
    “That’s part of the problem, I suppose. I knew it and I needed you to fight me.”
    “I still won’t fight you, Lotte.” Suddenly he was sombre and remote.
    “Do you know why? Because, all of my early life, I was bound by my own choice, I agree but bound nonetheless. When I became free I prized it so much, I couldn’t bear to impose a servitude on anyone else. I wanted a partner, not a puppet. I saw what was happening, but until you saw it yourself, and wanted to change it, I couldn’t, I wouldn’t force you. Right or wrong, that’s how I felt.”
    “And now, Carl? What do you feel now?”
    “Scared!” said Carl Mendelius.
    “Scared of what may be waiting for us out there in the streets; even more scared of what’s going to happen when I meet Jean Marie.”
    “I was asking about us you and me.”
    “That’s what I’m talking about, my dear. Every way we move now, we’re at risk. I want you with me; but not to prove something to me or to yourself. That’s like having sex just to show you can do it. It may be magnificent but it’s a long way from loving. In short, it’s up to you, darling.”
    “How many ways do I have to tell you, Carl. I love you.
    From now on, where you go, I