you for calling.” Her whole body was now bathed in a film of sweat and she badly needed to get some air. And maybe a vodka and tonic.
“And now …” She took a deep breath and looked down to finally read her script.
“Tess! You have another caller!” Helene sounded surprised herself this time. “Er … the same drill as before, I suppose. Ask her for her name and her problem.”
Tess had to swallow hard before she could speak. “Okay so … and I believe we have another caller. Hello, caller, may I ask your name? Caller?” I’m babbling, Tess thought wildly, I need to stop babbling .
“Certainly, dearie. My name is Rosa. But most people call me Grandma Rosa.”
Tess felt the blood drain from her face. The fortune teller was calling her?
“So you have a problem, Grandma Rosa?” she asked in a strained voice.
“Yes!” Rosa’s voice was filled with suppressed excitement. “I was listening in and I heard you’re called the Agony Aunt of the Airwaves. So I thought, well, I have plenty of agony going on in my life at the moment. Do you think you can help me?”
“Well, that depends on what the problem is.” Tess’s words felt like cotton wool in her mouth.
“In a nutshell? That’s easy – my business is going down the drain.”
Tess opened her mouth to reply but, again, no sound came out. She could hear the silence roaring in her ears. But what was she supposed to say here? She wasn’t a business guru! And she knew by now there was no point in looking to Helene or Ollie for help.
“So aren’t you going to ask me what my business is, dearie?” Rosa said.
“Right. Good idea.” Even to her own ears, Tess sounded slightly dazed. “So what is your business, Grandma Rosa?”
“I’m a fortune teller. But,” Rosa’s voice dipped to a confidential tone, “things have been pretty slow of late. I think one of the reasons is because I had a little heart scare? Maybe my clients think I’m out of action, but I am most certainly not. I’m fully recovered and if I could just give out my number …”
“Oh, we’re not a free advertising service!” Tess cut in quickly.
“Oh!” Rosa sounded disappointed.
“The problems we’re interested in hearing about are the kind that other listeners might identify with. Maybe more of an emotional nature? For a business venture, perhaps you might be better off contacting your local enterprise board?”
“Well, I’m sure I’m not the only listener with business problems,” Rosa replied. “Not in this day and age. I mean, if Michael O’Leary or Richard Branson, for instance, rang to say they were having a slump in their business, would you tell them to contact their local enterprise board?”
Tess massaged a vein pulsing in her temple. If Michael O’Leary or Richard Branson were to ring an agony aunt on a flop local radio station looking for business advice, proverbial pigs would be flying around the studio.
“I don’t think that scenario is very likely, do you?” she managed to mutter.
“Hmmm … I suppose it isn’t, now that you say it,” Rosa agreed. “Look, I’ll be honest with you. What I really want to know is how can I get on to the radio like you? Telling fortunes? People would be very interested, I think. And it would give my business a nice little boost.”
Tess put her head in her hands and, at the same time, Helene finally came back to life.
“I’m cutting off this old bat!” she hissed in Tess’s ear. “Just say goodbye to her and that you hope she has better ‘fortune’ coming to her. Geddit?” She laughed mirthlessly at her own joke before adding ominously, “And Tess? You have another caller!”
Tess looked out at her in alarm. Where were they all coming from? Tess had no sooner said goodbye to Rosa than Helene had plugged the next caller through.
“Hello, caller, can I ask you your name and problem?” Tess asked tonelessly.
“Yes. Like your last caller, my problem is a business-orientated
“And now …” She took a deep breath and looked down to finally read her script.
“Tess! You have another caller!” Helene sounded surprised herself this time. “Er … the same drill as before, I suppose. Ask her for her name and her problem.”
Tess had to swallow hard before she could speak. “Okay so … and I believe we have another caller. Hello, caller, may I ask your name? Caller?” I’m babbling, Tess thought wildly, I need to stop babbling .
“Certainly, dearie. My name is Rosa. But most people call me Grandma Rosa.”
Tess felt the blood drain from her face. The fortune teller was calling her?
“So you have a problem, Grandma Rosa?” she asked in a strained voice.
“Yes!” Rosa’s voice was filled with suppressed excitement. “I was listening in and I heard you’re called the Agony Aunt of the Airwaves. So I thought, well, I have plenty of agony going on in my life at the moment. Do you think you can help me?”
“Well, that depends on what the problem is.” Tess’s words felt like cotton wool in her mouth.
“In a nutshell? That’s easy – my business is going down the drain.”
Tess opened her mouth to reply but, again, no sound came out. She could hear the silence roaring in her ears. But what was she supposed to say here? She wasn’t a business guru! And she knew by now there was no point in looking to Helene or Ollie for help.
“So aren’t you going to ask me what my business is, dearie?” Rosa said.
“Right. Good idea.” Even to her own ears, Tess sounded slightly dazed. “So what is your business, Grandma Rosa?”
“I’m a fortune teller. But,” Rosa’s voice dipped to a confidential tone, “things have been pretty slow of late. I think one of the reasons is because I had a little heart scare? Maybe my clients think I’m out of action, but I am most certainly not. I’m fully recovered and if I could just give out my number …”
“Oh, we’re not a free advertising service!” Tess cut in quickly.
“Oh!” Rosa sounded disappointed.
“The problems we’re interested in hearing about are the kind that other listeners might identify with. Maybe more of an emotional nature? For a business venture, perhaps you might be better off contacting your local enterprise board?”
“Well, I’m sure I’m not the only listener with business problems,” Rosa replied. “Not in this day and age. I mean, if Michael O’Leary or Richard Branson, for instance, rang to say they were having a slump in their business, would you tell them to contact their local enterprise board?”
Tess massaged a vein pulsing in her temple. If Michael O’Leary or Richard Branson were to ring an agony aunt on a flop local radio station looking for business advice, proverbial pigs would be flying around the studio.
“I don’t think that scenario is very likely, do you?” she managed to mutter.
“Hmmm … I suppose it isn’t, now that you say it,” Rosa agreed. “Look, I’ll be honest with you. What I really want to know is how can I get on to the radio like you? Telling fortunes? People would be very interested, I think. And it would give my business a nice little boost.”
Tess put her head in her hands and, at the same time, Helene finally came back to life.
“I’m cutting off this old bat!” she hissed in Tess’s ear. “Just say goodbye to her and that you hope she has better ‘fortune’ coming to her. Geddit?” She laughed mirthlessly at her own joke before adding ominously, “And Tess? You have another caller!”
Tess looked out at her in alarm. Where were they all coming from? Tess had no sooner said goodbye to Rosa than Helene had plugged the next caller through.
“Hello, caller, can I ask you your name and problem?” Tess asked tonelessly.
“Yes. Like your last caller, my problem is a business-orientated
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