silence, he had weakened and blurted out the first thing that came to him, instantly regretting his admission. Suddenly, witnessing his intense uneasiness, she felt a rush of sympathy for him and looked for something to say to relieve his awkwardness.
‘Did you have you anyone in mind?’
Although he could not look directly at her he could sense her smiling encouragingly at him and he appreciated the gesture, gratefully aware this was probably the first time Sunny had smiled freely at him. He sensed well enough that all the other times had merely been a mechanical reaction to his own smile but he could not feel any complacency in this new insight. He was not sure it was any sort of victory.
‘No … that is ... there’s no one I …’ he struggled with the ‘love’ word, it seemed too … emotional somehow, ‘y’know ... love ... well, not as far as I know.’
He wished he could just shut himself up, despairing that he had already said too much. What sort of sodding answer was that? He didn’t want to give Sunny the impression he had not experienced the big mystery of love. Anyway, he was not sure he hadn’t, it was just that he couldn’t work out what constituted such a state.
Analysing emotions was like wading through treacle as far as he was concerned, except for lust that was. Lust was straightforward, you knew where you were with lust. Matty had absolutely no problems at all with lust.
‘You know, Matty, it’s not such a big problem.’ She used his name easily now as she concentrated on an answer. ‘You will know who you want to marry when the time comes. It’ll be obvious. It won’t just be a want … it’ll be a need. You’ll find some girl will come along and you can’t stop thinking about her. You’ll wonder what she’s doing whenever you’re apart … your head will be full of thoughts of her, burning a hole in the front of your mind. You’ll be counting the hours until you can see her again and you’ll dream of how your life would be if you could live with her all the time. And you’ll be eaten alive by jealously if she even glances at another man. You’ll want to make sure she’s your property so you’ll want her to be married to you because it will make you feel a little more secure … safer ...’
She stopped abruptly, aware she had said far too much, much more than the situation warranted but he had seemed to be listening closely to her. She could see now his mind was turned inwards on itself but could only guess at what he was thinking.
The truth was that Matty Tregoning had had a revelation. Despite usually being conveniently unimaginative, his mind had now taken such a leap that he had persuaded himself that not only was there an air of mystery about Sunny but that she was also far too complex a woman for him.
It was as if he had instantly recognised his place in this very loose acquaintanceship and that that place was very definitely subordinate. Just at this moment he didn’t quite know how he felt about this. To him Sunny appeared wise and he was aware that not only was he not wise but that he may even, quite possibly, be foolish.
Somehow this unexpected insight made him finally acknowledge the difference between them and with this sudden feeling of disadvantage he was aware his feelings for her had changed. His natural predatoriness dwindled instantly to be replaced by a new feeling of respect.
Sunny meanwhile, leaving him to think, had taken his mug and poured him more tea, vaguely troubled by the picture her own words had painted. There had been no bitterness in them only a recognition of the facts of her life. She had felt no need to be married to David by the bit of paper that had tied them to each other in the eyes of society.
As far as she was concerned her commitment had already been irrevocably made with her mind and body. David however had needed the legalised paper as the symbol of his commitment to her. He had been so enthusiastic about getting married
‘Did you have you anyone in mind?’
Although he could not look directly at her he could sense her smiling encouragingly at him and he appreciated the gesture, gratefully aware this was probably the first time Sunny had smiled freely at him. He sensed well enough that all the other times had merely been a mechanical reaction to his own smile but he could not feel any complacency in this new insight. He was not sure it was any sort of victory.
‘No … that is ... there’s no one I …’ he struggled with the ‘love’ word, it seemed too … emotional somehow, ‘y’know ... love ... well, not as far as I know.’
He wished he could just shut himself up, despairing that he had already said too much. What sort of sodding answer was that? He didn’t want to give Sunny the impression he had not experienced the big mystery of love. Anyway, he was not sure he hadn’t, it was just that he couldn’t work out what constituted such a state.
Analysing emotions was like wading through treacle as far as he was concerned, except for lust that was. Lust was straightforward, you knew where you were with lust. Matty had absolutely no problems at all with lust.
‘You know, Matty, it’s not such a big problem.’ She used his name easily now as she concentrated on an answer. ‘You will know who you want to marry when the time comes. It’ll be obvious. It won’t just be a want … it’ll be a need. You’ll find some girl will come along and you can’t stop thinking about her. You’ll wonder what she’s doing whenever you’re apart … your head will be full of thoughts of her, burning a hole in the front of your mind. You’ll be counting the hours until you can see her again and you’ll dream of how your life would be if you could live with her all the time. And you’ll be eaten alive by jealously if she even glances at another man. You’ll want to make sure she’s your property so you’ll want her to be married to you because it will make you feel a little more secure … safer ...’
She stopped abruptly, aware she had said far too much, much more than the situation warranted but he had seemed to be listening closely to her. She could see now his mind was turned inwards on itself but could only guess at what he was thinking.
The truth was that Matty Tregoning had had a revelation. Despite usually being conveniently unimaginative, his mind had now taken such a leap that he had persuaded himself that not only was there an air of mystery about Sunny but that she was also far too complex a woman for him.
It was as if he had instantly recognised his place in this very loose acquaintanceship and that that place was very definitely subordinate. Just at this moment he didn’t quite know how he felt about this. To him Sunny appeared wise and he was aware that not only was he not wise but that he may even, quite possibly, be foolish.
Somehow this unexpected insight made him finally acknowledge the difference between them and with this sudden feeling of disadvantage he was aware his feelings for her had changed. His natural predatoriness dwindled instantly to be replaced by a new feeling of respect.
Sunny meanwhile, leaving him to think, had taken his mug and poured him more tea, vaguely troubled by the picture her own words had painted. There had been no bitterness in them only a recognition of the facts of her life. She had felt no need to be married to David by the bit of paper that had tied them to each other in the eyes of society.
As far as she was concerned her commitment had already been irrevocably made with her mind and body. David however had needed the legalised paper as the symbol of his commitment to her. He had been so enthusiastic about getting married
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