she had finally agreed, acknowledging his need for more security in his life.
What he hadn’t seen in her however was her need for time alone. ‘Down time’ she called it and it had been as necessary to her as oxygen. It was time in which to be solitary, to allow her mind to go into a quiet free fall as if in some sort of healing exercise, a time when she did not have to consider anyone else’s choices or wishes. It was a brief time without compromise.
Well now she had her ‘down time’, now she had more time alone than she could ever have wished for but it was tinged with guilt and there were those strange, fanciful moments when she wondered if David had died to give her back her freedom.
What if, her mind sometimes whispered to her, what if his subconscious had somehow linked to yours as you lay beside him at night and felt your need for freedom? What if his spirit had been bigger, more generous, than yours? Could it have somehow subconsciously engineered the tumours that killed him to give you your life back?
She could not have explained why this strange idea held such power over her but she was unable to shake the bizarre thought off completely and it remained bobbing uncomfortably below the surface of her waking mind.
Life was always a compromise between total freedom and someone else’s wishes she knew but she told herself she had been willing, she really had, to pay that price for David. Only now she had the autonomy she had once longed for was she beginning to see that freedom, perversely, could also be just another word for loneliness.
Abruptly she turned back to Matty to hand him his refilled mug of tea just as he stood up.
‘Sorry ... just remembered something, I’ve gotta go … thanks for the tea,’ he said, giving the appearance of being even more uncomfortable than when he arrived.
‘That’s okay Matty. You know you can always come and talk to me if you need to. You never know, I might be able to help.’
Even as she spoke she wondered why she was saying it to him. Why should he want to talk to her about anything? But it felt right to say it so she left it at that. He stared at her and she could see him debating within himself.
‘Yeah, okay, maybe I will ... maybe I’ll call round for a chat sometime,’ he said, knowing that unless he could find something more intelligent to say to her next time there was no way he would ever cross her threshold again.
There was now no sign of his trademark smile and Sunny found she was strangely moved by his earnestness. He made as if to take her hand but then appeared to change his mind and as he ducked out of the door she was intuitively aware of some subtle shift in their relationship.
It was an unusually thoughtful Matty who made his, by now sober, way back to his lodgings. His meeting with Sunny had suddenly expanded his view of women and he found they were more complicated creatures than he had realised. Usually he divided them into three groups, those who were pretty enough to attract his desire, those who weren’t and could be safely ignored, and those who were there to be teased or twinkled at, to be kept onside for political reasons, like his mother or the pub landlady.
Now here was Sunny creating another group that he felt, luckily, for him, only consisted of her so far. He wondered if he would meet any more of these women who should be respected, not just for their desirability but also for their warmth and wisdom.
He decided he would label this new group ‘Goddesses’, but only in the privacy of his own mind. He remembered inadvertently hearing the word used on some women’s programme on daytime television and it seemed to him to be a very accurate name for Sunny.
Even so, it wasn’t a description he would want his mates to find he was using.
Chapter 8
Matty’s goddess had closed the door behind him with the distinct feeling something good had just happened. The dynamics between them seemed to have changed for the
What he hadn’t seen in her however was her need for time alone. ‘Down time’ she called it and it had been as necessary to her as oxygen. It was time in which to be solitary, to allow her mind to go into a quiet free fall as if in some sort of healing exercise, a time when she did not have to consider anyone else’s choices or wishes. It was a brief time without compromise.
Well now she had her ‘down time’, now she had more time alone than she could ever have wished for but it was tinged with guilt and there were those strange, fanciful moments when she wondered if David had died to give her back her freedom.
What if, her mind sometimes whispered to her, what if his subconscious had somehow linked to yours as you lay beside him at night and felt your need for freedom? What if his spirit had been bigger, more generous, than yours? Could it have somehow subconsciously engineered the tumours that killed him to give you your life back?
She could not have explained why this strange idea held such power over her but she was unable to shake the bizarre thought off completely and it remained bobbing uncomfortably below the surface of her waking mind.
Life was always a compromise between total freedom and someone else’s wishes she knew but she told herself she had been willing, she really had, to pay that price for David. Only now she had the autonomy she had once longed for was she beginning to see that freedom, perversely, could also be just another word for loneliness.
Abruptly she turned back to Matty to hand him his refilled mug of tea just as he stood up.
‘Sorry ... just remembered something, I’ve gotta go … thanks for the tea,’ he said, giving the appearance of being even more uncomfortable than when he arrived.
‘That’s okay Matty. You know you can always come and talk to me if you need to. You never know, I might be able to help.’
Even as she spoke she wondered why she was saying it to him. Why should he want to talk to her about anything? But it felt right to say it so she left it at that. He stared at her and she could see him debating within himself.
‘Yeah, okay, maybe I will ... maybe I’ll call round for a chat sometime,’ he said, knowing that unless he could find something more intelligent to say to her next time there was no way he would ever cross her threshold again.
There was now no sign of his trademark smile and Sunny found she was strangely moved by his earnestness. He made as if to take her hand but then appeared to change his mind and as he ducked out of the door she was intuitively aware of some subtle shift in their relationship.
It was an unusually thoughtful Matty who made his, by now sober, way back to his lodgings. His meeting with Sunny had suddenly expanded his view of women and he found they were more complicated creatures than he had realised. Usually he divided them into three groups, those who were pretty enough to attract his desire, those who weren’t and could be safely ignored, and those who were there to be teased or twinkled at, to be kept onside for political reasons, like his mother or the pub landlady.
Now here was Sunny creating another group that he felt, luckily, for him, only consisted of her so far. He wondered if he would meet any more of these women who should be respected, not just for their desirability but also for their warmth and wisdom.
He decided he would label this new group ‘Goddesses’, but only in the privacy of his own mind. He remembered inadvertently hearing the word used on some women’s programme on daytime television and it seemed to him to be a very accurate name for Sunny.
Even so, it wasn’t a description he would want his mates to find he was using.
Chapter 8
Matty’s goddess had closed the door behind him with the distinct feeling something good had just happened. The dynamics between them seemed to have changed for the
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