stretched toward the dawn. There
was not yet a hint of light, which, given the clouds
covering the state, was at least ninety minutes away. Again
a light flashed. This one brought me up with a
start—it was here in my room, inches away. As my eyes
focused, I saw that it was the extension button on the
telephone— someone had picked up the phone downstairs
in the printshop and was having a conversation at four
o’clock in the morning. This went on for some time,
at least two minutes, then the line went dark. I rolled out
of bed and went to the door, opened it, and listened down
the circular staircase.
Nothing
. No sound, no light, not a hint of movement anywhere.
I lay on the bed staring up into the dark. Eventually,
though I wouldn’t have believed it possible, I began
to doze off.
***
It was almost as if she had stepped out of a dream. I
was drifting, somewhere between worlds, when my eyes
flicked open and I knew she was there. “Hey,” I
said, and I felt her sit beside me on the floor. I reached
out and touched her head: she had laid it across her folded
arms on the bed. “Thought you’d never get
here.” She still didn’t speak: for several
minutes she just lay there under my arm, her breathing
barely audible above the rain. Then she said, “I
didn’t come because I felt stupid. I am stupid,
waking you up in the middle of the night.”
“It’s okay, I was awake anyway,” I
lied.
“The truth of the matter is, I’ve just been
through the loneliest night of my life. It got so desolate
I thought I’d die from it.”
There was a long pause. She said, “I keep thinking
that maybe my mom and dad can help me when I get like this,
but they can’t. I know they love me, but somehow
knowing it just makes the loneliness all the stronger. Does
that make any sense?”
“You’re not their little girl anymore.
You’ve lost something you can’t ever get back,
but you haven’t yet found what’s gonna take the
place of it in the next part of your life.”
“The next part of my life,” she said with a
sigh.
I could hear the pain in her voice. “I’ll
help you,” I said, “if you’ll let
me.”
She seemed to consider it. “Just talk to me, help
me get through the night. I know you want to sleep and
I’m being a thundering pain in the ass. But you have
no idea how much it would help, Mr. Man from Nowhere, if
you’d just talk to me for a little while.”
“Listen and believe it. There’s nothing
I’d rather do, right this minute, than talk to
you.”
“Oh, Janeway.” Her voice got thick, and
broke. “I hurt so bad. I hurt so bad and I
can’t talk to anyone.”
“Talk to me.”
“I don’t know, maybe somebody like you,
who’s just passing through and doesn’t know me.
I can’t talk to Mamma and Daddy, there’s just
too much in the way. I don’t know what it is, we
can’t get past the facts of the matter and get down
where the real trouble is.”
“What are the facts of the matter?”
“How completely and beyond redemption I’ve
fucked up my life.”
“Maybe it just seems that way.”
“I’ve done a stupid thing. Don’t ask
me why, it was just insane. I felt compelled, like I had no
choice. Then they said I’d done something worse, and
one thing led to another and I did do something
worse…only it wasn’t what they said I’d
done. But they locked me up for it, and now they want to
lock me up again, maybe for years. If they do that, I will
kill myself, I swear I will. I couldn’t live in a
cage.”
“None of us can. That’s not really
living.”
“But some people survive. I couldn’t even do
that, not if we’re talking about years.” She
shook her head: I felt the movement. “No
way.”
Gently, I prodded her. “What did you
do?”
She was a long time answering, and at first the answer
was no answer at all. “I can’t tell you
was not yet a hint of light, which, given the clouds
covering the state, was at least ninety minutes away. Again
a light flashed. This one brought me up with a
start—it was here in my room, inches away. As my eyes
focused, I saw that it was the extension button on the
telephone— someone had picked up the phone downstairs
in the printshop and was having a conversation at four
o’clock in the morning. This went on for some time,
at least two minutes, then the line went dark. I rolled out
of bed and went to the door, opened it, and listened down
the circular staircase.
Nothing
. No sound, no light, not a hint of movement anywhere.
I lay on the bed staring up into the dark. Eventually,
though I wouldn’t have believed it possible, I began
to doze off.
***
It was almost as if she had stepped out of a dream. I
was drifting, somewhere between worlds, when my eyes
flicked open and I knew she was there. “Hey,” I
said, and I felt her sit beside me on the floor. I reached
out and touched her head: she had laid it across her folded
arms on the bed. “Thought you’d never get
here.” She still didn’t speak: for several
minutes she just lay there under my arm, her breathing
barely audible above the rain. Then she said, “I
didn’t come because I felt stupid. I am stupid,
waking you up in the middle of the night.”
“It’s okay, I was awake anyway,” I
lied.
“The truth of the matter is, I’ve just been
through the loneliest night of my life. It got so desolate
I thought I’d die from it.”
There was a long pause. She said, “I keep thinking
that maybe my mom and dad can help me when I get like this,
but they can’t. I know they love me, but somehow
knowing it just makes the loneliness all the stronger. Does
that make any sense?”
“You’re not their little girl anymore.
You’ve lost something you can’t ever get back,
but you haven’t yet found what’s gonna take the
place of it in the next part of your life.”
“The next part of my life,” she said with a
sigh.
I could hear the pain in her voice. “I’ll
help you,” I said, “if you’ll let
me.”
She seemed to consider it. “Just talk to me, help
me get through the night. I know you want to sleep and
I’m being a thundering pain in the ass. But you have
no idea how much it would help, Mr. Man from Nowhere, if
you’d just talk to me for a little while.”
“Listen and believe it. There’s nothing
I’d rather do, right this minute, than talk to
you.”
“Oh, Janeway.” Her voice got thick, and
broke. “I hurt so bad. I hurt so bad and I
can’t talk to anyone.”
“Talk to me.”
“I don’t know, maybe somebody like you,
who’s just passing through and doesn’t know me.
I can’t talk to Mamma and Daddy, there’s just
too much in the way. I don’t know what it is, we
can’t get past the facts of the matter and get down
where the real trouble is.”
“What are the facts of the matter?”
“How completely and beyond redemption I’ve
fucked up my life.”
“Maybe it just seems that way.”
“I’ve done a stupid thing. Don’t ask
me why, it was just insane. I felt compelled, like I had no
choice. Then they said I’d done something worse, and
one thing led to another and I did do something
worse…only it wasn’t what they said I’d
done. But they locked me up for it, and now they want to
lock me up again, maybe for years. If they do that, I will
kill myself, I swear I will. I couldn’t live in a
cage.”
“None of us can. That’s not really
living.”
“But some people survive. I couldn’t even do
that, not if we’re talking about years.” She
shook her head: I felt the movement. “No
way.”
Gently, I prodded her. “What did you
do?”
She was a long time answering, and at first the answer
was no answer at all. “I can’t tell you
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