Woman, because her hair is wild and curly and she goes barefoot with a toe ring and her toenails are always the color of blood in a vial, and she gets her hands hennaed and has a Miró tattoo in the small of her back and wears size four slinky dresses and takes ballet class (at thirty-one!) and her smile lights up a room.
But the Fat Counselor’s not in Greece. She’s at home being fat. So you just forget about that.
In Minneapolis, the Sister of the Beautiful Woman lives with a Slacker Boy who looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo . They are in a band and rarely smile or shower, and though the Band Sister is a Beautiful Woman, too, she hides it under buzzed hair and gaudy makeup and thrift-store boy’s striped pants until the only thing the Sisters have in common is that once, within a span of two days, each was attacked and bitten by a squirrel.
In different cities, mind you. What are the chances!
The Intelligent Woman, though she has a PhD, does not have a real job. Oh, she teaches part time at a few universities and writes the occasional book review, but the money she makes yearly would barely even cover this cruise.
The Beautiful Woman works bringing coffee to Traveling Sales Reps and arranging flight and hotel accommodations for business trips that do not involve her presence, but that many of the Traveling Sales Reps imagine do.
Though everybody thinks she is a Trophy Wife, the Beautiful Woman doubts the truth of this since the Macho Man does not wish her to have a child. Most Trophy Wives bear Trophy Children, don’t they? The Macho Man enjoys driving two cars and owning a lakefront condo; if they had children, the Beautiful Woman might want to quit her job and become a Dead Weight like the Intelligent Woman, and then imagine the bills! What can the Intelligent Man be thinking, letting his Wife get away with that shit?
The Beautiful Woman is less valuable at the moment as a Mother than as a Cash Cow.
The Intelligent Woman and the Intelligent Man are in the process of adopting a Chinese Girl, because Chinese People are usually intelligent and because the Intelligent Woman is Infertile. They are excited about their forthcoming Baby. They are not the kind of people who get hung up on propagating their own genetics when there is a population problem at hand. They are happy for the chance to Do Good. Women who make such a big deal about Infertility are Stupid Dolts with Pointless Lives; Husbands who insist upon their own sperm are Narcissistic Assholes. They, however, are Intelligent People, expecting an Intelligent Baby. They are above bourgeois bullshit like that.
Are they really? Wow. Are they really? Hey, what do you want from me? This is what they say when asked.
Back in Madison, Wisconsin, in the private dorm full of out-of-staters like the Intelligent Woman, the Beautiful Woman, and the Aggressive Woman, hostilities brewed. One day, the Intelligent Woman was in the hallway relaying to her Gay Male Friend how the Beautiful Woman had said, Well, I don’t see anybody buying you roses so you really have no right to judge, and the Beautiful Woman came out of her room and said, Don’t you know that I can hear you talking about me? To which the Intelligent Woman said, So what, you said it, didn’t you, so why should you care who hears? To which the Beautiful Woman replied, This is none of your business. Why don’t you stop being such a gossip and butt out? After which the Intelligent Woman warned, You’d better just go back in your room, you little suburban twit, before I kick your ass.
Whereupon the Gay Male Friend exclaimed, Whoa – you can take the girl out of the neighborhood, but you can’t take the neighborhood out of the girl!
To which a year of silence between the Intelligent Woman and the Beautiful Woman was the response.
In the WASP-filled Minnesota suburb where the Jewish Girl and her younger Rebel Sister lived with their Jewish Mother and German Father, the Father was the
But the Fat Counselor’s not in Greece. She’s at home being fat. So you just forget about that.
In Minneapolis, the Sister of the Beautiful Woman lives with a Slacker Boy who looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo . They are in a band and rarely smile or shower, and though the Band Sister is a Beautiful Woman, too, she hides it under buzzed hair and gaudy makeup and thrift-store boy’s striped pants until the only thing the Sisters have in common is that once, within a span of two days, each was attacked and bitten by a squirrel.
In different cities, mind you. What are the chances!
The Intelligent Woman, though she has a PhD, does not have a real job. Oh, she teaches part time at a few universities and writes the occasional book review, but the money she makes yearly would barely even cover this cruise.
The Beautiful Woman works bringing coffee to Traveling Sales Reps and arranging flight and hotel accommodations for business trips that do not involve her presence, but that many of the Traveling Sales Reps imagine do.
Though everybody thinks she is a Trophy Wife, the Beautiful Woman doubts the truth of this since the Macho Man does not wish her to have a child. Most Trophy Wives bear Trophy Children, don’t they? The Macho Man enjoys driving two cars and owning a lakefront condo; if they had children, the Beautiful Woman might want to quit her job and become a Dead Weight like the Intelligent Woman, and then imagine the bills! What can the Intelligent Man be thinking, letting his Wife get away with that shit?
The Beautiful Woman is less valuable at the moment as a Mother than as a Cash Cow.
The Intelligent Woman and the Intelligent Man are in the process of adopting a Chinese Girl, because Chinese People are usually intelligent and because the Intelligent Woman is Infertile. They are excited about their forthcoming Baby. They are not the kind of people who get hung up on propagating their own genetics when there is a population problem at hand. They are happy for the chance to Do Good. Women who make such a big deal about Infertility are Stupid Dolts with Pointless Lives; Husbands who insist upon their own sperm are Narcissistic Assholes. They, however, are Intelligent People, expecting an Intelligent Baby. They are above bourgeois bullshit like that.
Are they really? Wow. Are they really? Hey, what do you want from me? This is what they say when asked.
Back in Madison, Wisconsin, in the private dorm full of out-of-staters like the Intelligent Woman, the Beautiful Woman, and the Aggressive Woman, hostilities brewed. One day, the Intelligent Woman was in the hallway relaying to her Gay Male Friend how the Beautiful Woman had said, Well, I don’t see anybody buying you roses so you really have no right to judge, and the Beautiful Woman came out of her room and said, Don’t you know that I can hear you talking about me? To which the Intelligent Woman said, So what, you said it, didn’t you, so why should you care who hears? To which the Beautiful Woman replied, This is none of your business. Why don’t you stop being such a gossip and butt out? After which the Intelligent Woman warned, You’d better just go back in your room, you little suburban twit, before I kick your ass.
Whereupon the Gay Male Friend exclaimed, Whoa – you can take the girl out of the neighborhood, but you can’t take the neighborhood out of the girl!
To which a year of silence between the Intelligent Woman and the Beautiful Woman was the response.
In the WASP-filled Minnesota suburb where the Jewish Girl and her younger Rebel Sister lived with their Jewish Mother and German Father, the Father was the
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