…freedom, once tasted, was difficult to relinquish.
Love … even the promise of it was nearly impossible to let go.
From the false premise of no choices, my life faced several, all bad but some less onerous than others. I knew what I had to do.
Etty hugged me and pulled me into the living room, announcing to her father we were ready to go. She was about to go to Chazz but the young man flicked his head and scowled, warning her off.
My heart swelled with pride. He had a good head on his shoulders. That was one choice I would fight to the death over. He and Loretta would be together and anyone who said otherwise better be prepared to walk through the bowels of hell.
Jack came up behind me before I could exit into the hallway.
In low tones he said, “Remember. I’m coming for you. One way or the other.” Gripping my left hand, he pressed the wedding ring into the knuckle. “And the next time we’re together, this will be gone.”
On autopilot I followed my husband and my daughter down the stairs. Robert’s driver pulled in front of the building and we slid onto the leather seats, Loretta and I in the back, Robert in front.
“Robert?”
“What?” He turned and glared at me.
“I forgot to ask. Where is Tonia staying?”
“Pittsburgh General.”
Three hours of silence, give or take. Loretta dozed off while I kept vigil and prayed. For what, I didn’t know.
Did he have a rule? A rule about how long to wait?
When should I begin the countdown, when should I stop? At what point would hope desert me and despair fill the balance of my inner sanctum?
Muttering ‘eighty’ I let the tune play out, sub-vocal, like the clack of rosary beads in endless supplication for forgiveness, in an infinite spiral of anticipation and dread.
Chapter 10: Face-Off
Hospitals, ICUs in particular, weren’t my favorite things. Loretta had spent far too much time in one when she was barely four, a vacation ski trip gone horribly wrong. After days and endless nights, even a good outcome never entirely removed the stink of fear and uncertainty.
Both of us hesitated outside the unit, both squirrelly, probably for different reasons. My daughter loved her grandmother, admired her, respected her. My feelings were more … complicated. Yet, no matter my history with the woman hooked up to tubes and machines, she was still a human being verging on…
Mercy, I couldn’t even think the word.
Me, screeching at my own mother. Loretta stamping her tiny foot. Countless confrontations.
I wish you were dead. I wish you were dead.
Loretta girded her loins first and went through the door leaving me to ponder the steel in her spine.
When had she become the adult in this family? When had she passed the I want to die phase of teenage self-loathing and despair and blossomed into a lovely woman of worth and substance?
When had she morphed into someone I would want to emulate?
“Are you going in?” Robert’s voice dripped with disdain. “They only allow two at a time.”
“Uh, go ahead in.” I moved out of his way and tucked myself into a corner. I’d do the last rites with Tonia alone. There were things to say, even if the words stayed silent in my head.
As if.
Although, without Jack-the-Mindreader, maybe I had a small chance in Hades of actually keeping vagrant thoughts to myself.
And I so did not need to think of him now, not today, not tomorrow, not even next week.
Seventy-nine days and counting.
The nurse came over and patted my arm. “You can go in now.” So very kind.
Robert growled, low enough so only I would hear, “She’s awake. Don’t upset her.”
Etty said, “Dad,” as if she knew. “Let’s go down to the gift shop.” My daughter glanced at me with understanding and continued, “They’ll be moving her to a private room. I want her to have flowers.”
God bless.
Tonia Hillman McMahon had always been a towering figure packaged in a diminutive body. A restrained dynamo,
Love … even the promise of it was nearly impossible to let go.
From the false premise of no choices, my life faced several, all bad but some less onerous than others. I knew what I had to do.
Etty hugged me and pulled me into the living room, announcing to her father we were ready to go. She was about to go to Chazz but the young man flicked his head and scowled, warning her off.
My heart swelled with pride. He had a good head on his shoulders. That was one choice I would fight to the death over. He and Loretta would be together and anyone who said otherwise better be prepared to walk through the bowels of hell.
Jack came up behind me before I could exit into the hallway.
In low tones he said, “Remember. I’m coming for you. One way or the other.” Gripping my left hand, he pressed the wedding ring into the knuckle. “And the next time we’re together, this will be gone.”
On autopilot I followed my husband and my daughter down the stairs. Robert’s driver pulled in front of the building and we slid onto the leather seats, Loretta and I in the back, Robert in front.
“Robert?”
“What?” He turned and glared at me.
“I forgot to ask. Where is Tonia staying?”
“Pittsburgh General.”
Three hours of silence, give or take. Loretta dozed off while I kept vigil and prayed. For what, I didn’t know.
Did he have a rule? A rule about how long to wait?
When should I begin the countdown, when should I stop? At what point would hope desert me and despair fill the balance of my inner sanctum?
Muttering ‘eighty’ I let the tune play out, sub-vocal, like the clack of rosary beads in endless supplication for forgiveness, in an infinite spiral of anticipation and dread.
Chapter 10: Face-Off
Hospitals, ICUs in particular, weren’t my favorite things. Loretta had spent far too much time in one when she was barely four, a vacation ski trip gone horribly wrong. After days and endless nights, even a good outcome never entirely removed the stink of fear and uncertainty.
Both of us hesitated outside the unit, both squirrelly, probably for different reasons. My daughter loved her grandmother, admired her, respected her. My feelings were more … complicated. Yet, no matter my history with the woman hooked up to tubes and machines, she was still a human being verging on…
Mercy, I couldn’t even think the word.
Me, screeching at my own mother. Loretta stamping her tiny foot. Countless confrontations.
I wish you were dead. I wish you were dead.
Loretta girded her loins first and went through the door leaving me to ponder the steel in her spine.
When had she become the adult in this family? When had she passed the I want to die phase of teenage self-loathing and despair and blossomed into a lovely woman of worth and substance?
When had she morphed into someone I would want to emulate?
“Are you going in?” Robert’s voice dripped with disdain. “They only allow two at a time.”
“Uh, go ahead in.” I moved out of his way and tucked myself into a corner. I’d do the last rites with Tonia alone. There were things to say, even if the words stayed silent in my head.
As if.
Although, without Jack-the-Mindreader, maybe I had a small chance in Hades of actually keeping vagrant thoughts to myself.
And I so did not need to think of him now, not today, not tomorrow, not even next week.
Seventy-nine days and counting.
The nurse came over and patted my arm. “You can go in now.” So very kind.
Robert growled, low enough so only I would hear, “She’s awake. Don’t upset her.”
Etty said, “Dad,” as if she knew. “Let’s go down to the gift shop.” My daughter glanced at me with understanding and continued, “They’ll be moving her to a private room. I want her to have flowers.”
God bless.
Tonia Hillman McMahon had always been a towering figure packaged in a diminutive body. A restrained dynamo,
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