fists. How could she say that? How could she say the one thing I was most afraid of?
“I don’t want to hear that. I can’t hear it. I’ve been writing to him every week since he left. I know deep down inside we had something special. And I know he feels the same way. I just know it.”
I looked away from her. I had never admitted how I felt about Jagger before, not my real feelings at least. Saying them out loud made not hearing from him feel that much worse.
“Okay, I’m sorry,” she said. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Issy hugged me tight before we went to my dorm room to grab my things. I had two weeks at home before I had to come back to school. I couldn’t wait to see my mom and Phil. He had to know something about Jagger. As long as he was okay, that was all that mattered.
***
The eight-hour drive flew by. Issy dropped me off at home, and I found my mom and Phil snuggling together on the couch watching a movie.
“Did you eat?” Mom asked. “I can heat up dinner for you.”
“Thanks, but we stopped on the way when the traffic started to get bad,” I said. “How’s everything been around here?”
I hoped they would bring up Jagger on their own, but I was prepared to ask about him if I needed to.
“It’s been quiet here,” Phil said. “Miss having you around. And this summer was especially great.”
“Have you heard from Jagger?”
Phil’s expression went blank and he cleared his throat. “Not really. We went to his Recruit Training Graduation but haven’t really heard from him since then.”
Haven’t really heard?
“What’s that mean?” I asked.
“Let’s talk in my office.”
I followed Phil to his office and he closed the door behind me. Dread filled me and I wanted to run away, but whatever it was Phil needed to tell me, I was ready to hear it.
“I got a letter from Jag a couple of weeks ago,” he said as he pulled out a box that was addressed to him.
“So he’s all right? What did he say?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if he’s all right. I don’t know anything.”
Phil’s face looked worn and aged suddenly. Lines appeared on his face that I hadn’t noticed before. His eyes looked red as he handed the letter to me.
“You want me to read it?”
“Yes,” he said. “I can’t make sense of it.”
He looked away as I took the letter and sat in his desk chair. He rested his elbows on his knees like I had seen Jagger do plenty of times before. I took a deep breath and started reading.
Dear Dad,
Thank you for coming to my graduation. It was great seeing you, Rachel, and Mom there.
I want you to know how much I’ve appreciated everything you’ve done for me in my life. I know you were disappointed I enlisted, but I really think this is the right place for me. I think things will be really good. I know you’re proud of the man I became and I have to say that I’m proud of myself, too.
I’m leaving Great Lakes soon and wanted to take this chance to say my good-byes to the people I love. I didn’t say anything at graduation because I didn’t want anyone to worry. I cannot say where I’m going.
I know you weren’t happy about my joining the Navy instead of going to college. But this was my decision, and it was the right one to make. I will never regret it.
I’ve also written a letter to Mom and I’m also writing one to Sierra. By the time you read this letter, I’ll be gone. I’ll be in touch when I can.
Love,
Jagger
“Where is it?” I said, my voice hoarse. “Where’s my letter?”
I tried to stop myself from thinking the worst, but I could see from Phil’s expression that that’s where his mind was, too. He handed me a large manila envelope with my name scrawled across the top.
I ripped the flap open and looked inside. It was filled with letters. I pulled one out and stared at my handwriting across the envelope.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
Reaching back into the envelope, I pulled out another,
“I don’t want to hear that. I can’t hear it. I’ve been writing to him every week since he left. I know deep down inside we had something special. And I know he feels the same way. I just know it.”
I looked away from her. I had never admitted how I felt about Jagger before, not my real feelings at least. Saying them out loud made not hearing from him feel that much worse.
“Okay, I’m sorry,” she said. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Issy hugged me tight before we went to my dorm room to grab my things. I had two weeks at home before I had to come back to school. I couldn’t wait to see my mom and Phil. He had to know something about Jagger. As long as he was okay, that was all that mattered.
***
The eight-hour drive flew by. Issy dropped me off at home, and I found my mom and Phil snuggling together on the couch watching a movie.
“Did you eat?” Mom asked. “I can heat up dinner for you.”
“Thanks, but we stopped on the way when the traffic started to get bad,” I said. “How’s everything been around here?”
I hoped they would bring up Jagger on their own, but I was prepared to ask about him if I needed to.
“It’s been quiet here,” Phil said. “Miss having you around. And this summer was especially great.”
“Have you heard from Jagger?”
Phil’s expression went blank and he cleared his throat. “Not really. We went to his Recruit Training Graduation but haven’t really heard from him since then.”
Haven’t really heard?
“What’s that mean?” I asked.
“Let’s talk in my office.”
I followed Phil to his office and he closed the door behind me. Dread filled me and I wanted to run away, but whatever it was Phil needed to tell me, I was ready to hear it.
“I got a letter from Jag a couple of weeks ago,” he said as he pulled out a box that was addressed to him.
“So he’s all right? What did he say?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if he’s all right. I don’t know anything.”
Phil’s face looked worn and aged suddenly. Lines appeared on his face that I hadn’t noticed before. His eyes looked red as he handed the letter to me.
“You want me to read it?”
“Yes,” he said. “I can’t make sense of it.”
He looked away as I took the letter and sat in his desk chair. He rested his elbows on his knees like I had seen Jagger do plenty of times before. I took a deep breath and started reading.
Dear Dad,
Thank you for coming to my graduation. It was great seeing you, Rachel, and Mom there.
I want you to know how much I’ve appreciated everything you’ve done for me in my life. I know you were disappointed I enlisted, but I really think this is the right place for me. I think things will be really good. I know you’re proud of the man I became and I have to say that I’m proud of myself, too.
I’m leaving Great Lakes soon and wanted to take this chance to say my good-byes to the people I love. I didn’t say anything at graduation because I didn’t want anyone to worry. I cannot say where I’m going.
I know you weren’t happy about my joining the Navy instead of going to college. But this was my decision, and it was the right one to make. I will never regret it.
I’ve also written a letter to Mom and I’m also writing one to Sierra. By the time you read this letter, I’ll be gone. I’ll be in touch when I can.
Love,
Jagger
“Where is it?” I said, my voice hoarse. “Where’s my letter?”
I tried to stop myself from thinking the worst, but I could see from Phil’s expression that that’s where his mind was, too. He handed me a large manila envelope with my name scrawled across the top.
I ripped the flap open and looked inside. It was filled with letters. I pulled one out and stared at my handwriting across the envelope.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
Reaching back into the envelope, I pulled out another,
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