Talk to Strangers: How Everyday, Random Encounters Can Expand Your Business, Career, Income, and Life by David Topus
Authors: David Topus
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present when they communicate and interact with another person. That’s the hallmark—and secret—of great interpersonal communication (see Table 17.1 ).
Table 17.1 How Communication Skills Impact Relationship Quality
When You Are. . .
You. . .
Only pretending to be interested in the other person
Lose that person’s respect
Indirectly offend and insult
Prevent the relationship from developing
Don’t absorb quality information
Have short conversations
Don’t create a basis for meaningful follow-up
Moderately interested in the other person
Establish a moderate amount of credibility
Show you care
Pick up insights about who that person is and what he or she does
Have average-length conversations
Genuinely interested in the other person
Gain that person’s respect and admiration
Differentiate yourself as a top performer
Get high-quality information about that person’s needs, goals, challenges, hopes, and dreams
Have conversations that lead to topics beyond the obvious
Will have a potential new contact who likes you and wants to continue to be involved with you
If you want to make high-quality connections with complete strangers, you will want to exhibit those same characteristics by focusing on your new acquaintance instead of on yourself. The difference between a random connector who walks away from an encounter with a name, phone number, e-mail address, and agreement to speak again and someone who walks away empty-handed is that the successful person focuses on the person he or she is connecting with. Success involves being other-centric, that is, making the other person the center of the conversation by letting him or her talk and act as if he or she is the most important person in the world.
An important caveat here: There is a big difference between those who talk about themselves without being asked, as if what they have to say is of interest to everyone else, and those who are asked to talk about themselves to a ready and interested other party. Learning what others like or don’t like, what they care about, what they’ve done, where they’ve been, what they think—their stories, personal history, observations, and insights—are all of great interest to someone who is curious.
Since people generally like to talk about themselves, you are most effective when you prompt them to do so, specifically, by asking questions. If you encounter someone randomly and want to talk about yourself, make sure the other party is interested—and that what you have to say is engaging, unique, insightful, captivating, fascinating, and new. Otherwise, do more listening than talking, at least in the beginning.
There’s a story about an older gentleman who meets a young woman at the coffee shop he frequents. They end up spending hours together talking, during which she used the vast amount of time asking all kinds of questions about him and the story of his life, his experiences, his career, his interests, and so on. For hours she asked, he answered, and she listened. When he got home late that afternoon, he shared with his wife that he had met this young woman at the coffee shop and they had talked for hours. “What was her name, and what does she do?” the wife asked, showing interest in his afternoon. “I don’t know,” he said, “but she sure was fascinating!”
Being other-centric isn’t just about letting the other person talk; it’s about listening and responding to what that person is saying. We know from our own experience what it’s like to interact with someone who is merely pretending to be interested in what we have to say, going through all the motions but clearly uninterested. Their eyes wander, their attention drifts, or their responses are unconnected to the conversation (See Table 17.2 )
Table 17.2 The Differences Between Unfocused and Laser-Focused Communicators
Unfocused Communicators
Semi-Focused Communicators
Laser-Focused Communicators
Have wandering
Table 17.1 How Communication Skills Impact Relationship Quality
When You Are. . .
You. . .
Only pretending to be interested in the other person
Lose that person’s respect
Indirectly offend and insult
Prevent the relationship from developing
Don’t absorb quality information
Have short conversations
Don’t create a basis for meaningful follow-up
Moderately interested in the other person
Establish a moderate amount of credibility
Show you care
Pick up insights about who that person is and what he or she does
Have average-length conversations
Genuinely interested in the other person
Gain that person’s respect and admiration
Differentiate yourself as a top performer
Get high-quality information about that person’s needs, goals, challenges, hopes, and dreams
Have conversations that lead to topics beyond the obvious
Will have a potential new contact who likes you and wants to continue to be involved with you
If you want to make high-quality connections with complete strangers, you will want to exhibit those same characteristics by focusing on your new acquaintance instead of on yourself. The difference between a random connector who walks away from an encounter with a name, phone number, e-mail address, and agreement to speak again and someone who walks away empty-handed is that the successful person focuses on the person he or she is connecting with. Success involves being other-centric, that is, making the other person the center of the conversation by letting him or her talk and act as if he or she is the most important person in the world.
An important caveat here: There is a big difference between those who talk about themselves without being asked, as if what they have to say is of interest to everyone else, and those who are asked to talk about themselves to a ready and interested other party. Learning what others like or don’t like, what they care about, what they’ve done, where they’ve been, what they think—their stories, personal history, observations, and insights—are all of great interest to someone who is curious.
Since people generally like to talk about themselves, you are most effective when you prompt them to do so, specifically, by asking questions. If you encounter someone randomly and want to talk about yourself, make sure the other party is interested—and that what you have to say is engaging, unique, insightful, captivating, fascinating, and new. Otherwise, do more listening than talking, at least in the beginning.
There’s a story about an older gentleman who meets a young woman at the coffee shop he frequents. They end up spending hours together talking, during which she used the vast amount of time asking all kinds of questions about him and the story of his life, his experiences, his career, his interests, and so on. For hours she asked, he answered, and she listened. When he got home late that afternoon, he shared with his wife that he had met this young woman at the coffee shop and they had talked for hours. “What was her name, and what does she do?” the wife asked, showing interest in his afternoon. “I don’t know,” he said, “but she sure was fascinating!”
Being other-centric isn’t just about letting the other person talk; it’s about listening and responding to what that person is saying. We know from our own experience what it’s like to interact with someone who is merely pretending to be interested in what we have to say, going through all the motions but clearly uninterested. Their eyes wander, their attention drifts, or their responses are unconnected to the conversation (See Table 17.2 )
Table 17.2 The Differences Between Unfocused and Laser-Focused Communicators
Unfocused Communicators
Semi-Focused Communicators
Laser-Focused Communicators
Have wandering
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