tongue, though, as he looked at me with slightly hungry and desperate grey eyes. But did I like the idea it was said without true love?
Who was I kidding? I was a fucked up mess. True love didn't exist for me, but maybe happiness of some description could.
"Phone him," Drew urged softly. A plea in his tone that I don't think he even heard.
He was a good man, Drew Kline. He was sexy and hot and an adventurous lover. Of all my five guys, he was the one I had wanted to hold onto 'til the end. There was just Spike left now. Before I had to face cutting off Drew. And if I was honest with myself, even after culling Spike this evening, I'd had no intention of breaking it off with Drew.
Not today. I would have found a time tomorrow, probably. But for today I was clinging to him for as long as I could.
And now this. A way to hold on to him whilst still searching for an answer to all of this mess. The question was, though, was Drew a part of what made me fucked in the head? Or was he just a by-product of my life, a random coincidence? Someone who just happened along at the wrong time, while I was losing myself.
If I had met Drew at any other time, say a year from now when I plan to have my head screwed on right, what would have happened? Would he have asked me out, like a regular guy? Courted me, taken me to dinner, introduced me to his mum and dad? Would we have gone on double dates with Gen and Dom? Would he have sent me flowers? I've never received flowers. The types of liaisons I've had don't encourage that sort of thing. A quick "thanks" and "until next time" and that's about it.
Would Drew give me flowers?
I wanted flowers. I wanted stupid boxes of chocolates and those ridiculous stuffed teddy bears hugging plush hearts. I guess that's something most people grow out of when in their teens. In my teens, I'd been fucking three guys at the same time. Well, two of them had been at the exact same time, one had been around the same time, on alternate days. But soft toys and sweets and roses were not on the cards for any of them.
Would Drew give me flowers?
I wanted to find out.
But I was shit scared to admit it.
We'd been staring at each other for several drawn out minutes, while questions and doubts and hopes had swirled around inside my head.
"What are you afraid of, Kelly," he finally asked. "That you'll find happiness and actually like it?"
I was afraid of a lot of things. I was afraid I wouldn't get healthy, that I'd revert. I was afraid I would always want more than one man could possibly give me. I have sex at least five days out of a week. How could one man keep up with that? Sometimes I need a pick-me-up part way through the day. How would Drew meet my needs when in court? I like it rough, sometimes. Maybe not to the extent I'd been experimenting with Kane. I'm not sure yet, I've only just discovered a dislike of the idea, it's early days. But I need a little dominance, as much as I need a cuddle afterwards, like Matt used to give. I need accessibility. I need excitement and thrills. I need affection and direction. I need it all still. And I was afraid I'd not even get a tenth of those needs.
But I was not afraid of finding happiness and actually liking it, because, honestly, I couldn't see that being even a remote possibility. I just couldn’t imagine being content with just one guy.
This was doomed to failure, I was sure. But could I walk away?
"I'm afraid of everything," I finally admitted.
He nodded, as though that made complete sense.
"Then why don't we deal with one fear at a time. Pick one, and that will be the first we tackle."
Organising my fears into any semblance of order was an impossibility. So I grasped one, perhaps thinking he wouldn't have an answer to that particular fear, and effectively ruining the chance of this arrangement working before it had even begun.
"I'm afraid you won't be there when I need you."
"Of course I will, I'm committed to helping you through this."
"No," I said,
Who was I kidding? I was a fucked up mess. True love didn't exist for me, but maybe happiness of some description could.
"Phone him," Drew urged softly. A plea in his tone that I don't think he even heard.
He was a good man, Drew Kline. He was sexy and hot and an adventurous lover. Of all my five guys, he was the one I had wanted to hold onto 'til the end. There was just Spike left now. Before I had to face cutting off Drew. And if I was honest with myself, even after culling Spike this evening, I'd had no intention of breaking it off with Drew.
Not today. I would have found a time tomorrow, probably. But for today I was clinging to him for as long as I could.
And now this. A way to hold on to him whilst still searching for an answer to all of this mess. The question was, though, was Drew a part of what made me fucked in the head? Or was he just a by-product of my life, a random coincidence? Someone who just happened along at the wrong time, while I was losing myself.
If I had met Drew at any other time, say a year from now when I plan to have my head screwed on right, what would have happened? Would he have asked me out, like a regular guy? Courted me, taken me to dinner, introduced me to his mum and dad? Would we have gone on double dates with Gen and Dom? Would he have sent me flowers? I've never received flowers. The types of liaisons I've had don't encourage that sort of thing. A quick "thanks" and "until next time" and that's about it.
Would Drew give me flowers?
I wanted flowers. I wanted stupid boxes of chocolates and those ridiculous stuffed teddy bears hugging plush hearts. I guess that's something most people grow out of when in their teens. In my teens, I'd been fucking three guys at the same time. Well, two of them had been at the exact same time, one had been around the same time, on alternate days. But soft toys and sweets and roses were not on the cards for any of them.
Would Drew give me flowers?
I wanted to find out.
But I was shit scared to admit it.
We'd been staring at each other for several drawn out minutes, while questions and doubts and hopes had swirled around inside my head.
"What are you afraid of, Kelly," he finally asked. "That you'll find happiness and actually like it?"
I was afraid of a lot of things. I was afraid I wouldn't get healthy, that I'd revert. I was afraid I would always want more than one man could possibly give me. I have sex at least five days out of a week. How could one man keep up with that? Sometimes I need a pick-me-up part way through the day. How would Drew meet my needs when in court? I like it rough, sometimes. Maybe not to the extent I'd been experimenting with Kane. I'm not sure yet, I've only just discovered a dislike of the idea, it's early days. But I need a little dominance, as much as I need a cuddle afterwards, like Matt used to give. I need accessibility. I need excitement and thrills. I need affection and direction. I need it all still. And I was afraid I'd not even get a tenth of those needs.
But I was not afraid of finding happiness and actually liking it, because, honestly, I couldn't see that being even a remote possibility. I just couldn’t imagine being content with just one guy.
This was doomed to failure, I was sure. But could I walk away?
"I'm afraid of everything," I finally admitted.
He nodded, as though that made complete sense.
"Then why don't we deal with one fear at a time. Pick one, and that will be the first we tackle."
Organising my fears into any semblance of order was an impossibility. So I grasped one, perhaps thinking he wouldn't have an answer to that particular fear, and effectively ruining the chance of this arrangement working before it had even begun.
"I'm afraid you won't be there when I need you."
"Of course I will, I'm committed to helping you through this."
"No," I said,
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