haven’t bought anything new except underpants and shoes since I married you. And one of the horses is mine. And the luggage is mine. And the diamond jewelry is mostly crappy rhinestone.”
“I’ll tell them that in court,” Charlie said. Then, less grimly, “I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, Zelda. When we were divorced Adelaide got total possession of our house, which she sold at a good profit, and our best car, the new station wagon, andall the appliances, and all but a few pieces of furniture that had been in my family. And she got all our savings, dammit, except for five measly thousand dollars. She got the few stocks I had. I’m paying for a college trust fund for Caroline and Cathy and all their medical and dental bills, and a great chunk of my salary goes to them each month for child support. I really don’t see that they can squeeze any more out of me. I’m surprised at Adelaide; she had seemed quite happy with the financial arrangements. And no one can penalize me for what you’ve brought to our marriage. Jesus, I inherited the farm and have to pay taxes on it. We’re barely making it now. If they win more money, I’ll have to sell the farm.”
At this somber thought we both stopped talking and stared at our hands. I fought back tears; I knew Charlie didn’t need any extra melodramatic misery at that moment in his life. But— sell the farm . He might as well have said, “We’ll just cut off part of our lives, cut off our legs as well, and one eye and a chunk of heart.” It was only one hundred scraggly Ozark acres with a ramshackle house. It wouldn’t bring much money at all if we sold it. But it meant everything to us, it was our own secret world within the world. To think of selling it, that little piece of land which had been Charlie’s parents’ and was now ours , made me want to lie on the floor and cry like a child and kick my feet and pound my fists. It made me sad, and it made me mad.
It made me mad to think that this woman I had never met had the right to break into my life and to threaten to take away the things I loved. I felt helpless. And I knew that Charlie, in spite of his calm, felt helpless, too.
He went to court on January 17, a cold Kansas Monday. He drove back to Wichita while I spent the day silently screaming in Kansas City. I went to class, but I couldn’t think, I didn’t care. I felt I had nothing to say to my students; I assigned them a pop in-class essay so they would have to write for fifty minutes and I wouldn’t have to struggle with words. I tried to work in the library, since final exams were just a week away. But nothing seemed important, nothing relevant. I felt as a farmer must feel when he stands outside in the perfect calm, looking up at a boiling green sky with the black twisting shape of a tornado coming closer, wondering how much destruction that tornado would wreak in his life, wondering how much of his life and home it will shatter and smash and hurl away. The hours passed so slowly I couldn’t breathe through them. I felt I wasstrangling. Finally I started grading the in-class essays with a ruthless harshness I’d never felt before. I refused to let myself leave the library before all the essays were graded. That used up a good three hours. I expected Charlie back about seven. When I left the library it was six o’clock. I thought I had only one more hour to wait. I could not take deep breaths; my lungs had gone quite tight.
I walked out of the library and down the sidewalk, essays and books and notebooks piled in my arms, staring at nothing. A car pulled up next to me.
“Want a ride home?” It was Anthony Leyden, opening the passenger door of his car, leaning toward me, smiling his charming smile.
We hadn’t seen the Leydens since the summer. Charlie had seen Anthony at work, of course, had gone out for beers with him and other professors now and then, but the four of us had stopped getting together. Once or twice June had
“I’ll tell them that in court,” Charlie said. Then, less grimly, “I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, Zelda. When we were divorced Adelaide got total possession of our house, which she sold at a good profit, and our best car, the new station wagon, andall the appliances, and all but a few pieces of furniture that had been in my family. And she got all our savings, dammit, except for five measly thousand dollars. She got the few stocks I had. I’m paying for a college trust fund for Caroline and Cathy and all their medical and dental bills, and a great chunk of my salary goes to them each month for child support. I really don’t see that they can squeeze any more out of me. I’m surprised at Adelaide; she had seemed quite happy with the financial arrangements. And no one can penalize me for what you’ve brought to our marriage. Jesus, I inherited the farm and have to pay taxes on it. We’re barely making it now. If they win more money, I’ll have to sell the farm.”
At this somber thought we both stopped talking and stared at our hands. I fought back tears; I knew Charlie didn’t need any extra melodramatic misery at that moment in his life. But— sell the farm . He might as well have said, “We’ll just cut off part of our lives, cut off our legs as well, and one eye and a chunk of heart.” It was only one hundred scraggly Ozark acres with a ramshackle house. It wouldn’t bring much money at all if we sold it. But it meant everything to us, it was our own secret world within the world. To think of selling it, that little piece of land which had been Charlie’s parents’ and was now ours , made me want to lie on the floor and cry like a child and kick my feet and pound my fists. It made me sad, and it made me mad.
It made me mad to think that this woman I had never met had the right to break into my life and to threaten to take away the things I loved. I felt helpless. And I knew that Charlie, in spite of his calm, felt helpless, too.
He went to court on January 17, a cold Kansas Monday. He drove back to Wichita while I spent the day silently screaming in Kansas City. I went to class, but I couldn’t think, I didn’t care. I felt I had nothing to say to my students; I assigned them a pop in-class essay so they would have to write for fifty minutes and I wouldn’t have to struggle with words. I tried to work in the library, since final exams were just a week away. But nothing seemed important, nothing relevant. I felt as a farmer must feel when he stands outside in the perfect calm, looking up at a boiling green sky with the black twisting shape of a tornado coming closer, wondering how much destruction that tornado would wreak in his life, wondering how much of his life and home it will shatter and smash and hurl away. The hours passed so slowly I couldn’t breathe through them. I felt I wasstrangling. Finally I started grading the in-class essays with a ruthless harshness I’d never felt before. I refused to let myself leave the library before all the essays were graded. That used up a good three hours. I expected Charlie back about seven. When I left the library it was six o’clock. I thought I had only one more hour to wait. I could not take deep breaths; my lungs had gone quite tight.
I walked out of the library and down the sidewalk, essays and books and notebooks piled in my arms, staring at nothing. A car pulled up next to me.
“Want a ride home?” It was Anthony Leyden, opening the passenger door of his car, leaning toward me, smiling his charming smile.
We hadn’t seen the Leydens since the summer. Charlie had seen Anthony at work, of course, had gone out for beers with him and other professors now and then, but the four of us had stopped getting together. Once or twice June had
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