Sometimes Love Hurts by Marie Fostino

putting money aside for our future.  Our everyday budget increased with diapers and clothes every time she grew.  I kept those thoughts in my head.  I did not complain. It was all a part of our life.   You were such a good mother, and so happy taking care of her.” 
    He stopped walking and plopped down in the sand facing the water.  I followed his lead. His eyes looked forward at the water as he continued.
    “Then you got pregnant again,” he sighed.  “I became overwhelmed with thoughts of how we would pay our bills with another mouth to feed.  I know I might have been hard to get along with, but I felt so distressed and did not want to share my concerns with you.  I did not want to upset you because you were so happy while you were pregnant, and your face just glowed.   The night you lost the baby, I didn’t know what to do.  You were in so much pain and I was dumfounded, unable to ease your suffering.  I saw your face when they wheeled you away to the operating room.  You were crushed, crying, and I felt lost. I am the man of the family and I am supposed to keep you from harm, to always take care of you. I did not know how to fix this. When you lost the baby, you went into a different world while I was devastated.  I felt that I lost you and the new baby.  I could not relate to who you were, or how you were acting.  And I certainly did not understand why you cried all the time and acted so mean to me.  Maybe you didn’t see it, but I sure felt it.  I thought you were blaming me for the miscarriage.” 
    Michael took a deep breath and wiped a tear before he continued. I could see the pain in your dad’s face.  
    “You quit talking to me and I really did not want to come home anymore,” he said, his body jerking.  “I started going out after work with some of the employees to a bar just down the street. I didn’t drink much, but I did have a couple of beers with the rest of them.  That was just a little getaway from reality.  I needed it to get away from my existence as I knew it, and you.” 
    I could see your dad’s eyebrows dip down over his nose as he went on.
    “This girl would come around our table and always said hi to me.  Natalie, she reminded me of you when we were younger – a time when you were so full of life and happy.  One time when the mood was right and a song came on that she liked to dance to, she walked up to me and undid a couple of buttons on the top of my shirt.  Using her fingers, she rubbed my chest and asked, ‘Do you know what it’s like to make love to a lonely woman?’  After that I just could not stop thinking about her.”
    At that point, I could not look at him.  I sat down and turned my face the opposite way so he couldn’t see my eyes.  I was even more devastated wondering why I wanted to put myself through that.  Maybe it was a mistake being there with him.  The tears began to swell in the back of my eyes and I kept blinking to try to stop them.  Of course, your father noticed.  He softly swept my hair back behind my ear.  Just for a moment, I thought I saw the man I knew a long time ago.  He took his hand and found mine giving it a quick squeeze.  Then he let it go and continued. 
    “I would come home and go straight to bed without talking to you,” Michael said.  “I had to because the guilt was eating me up.  At the same time, shamefully, I looked forward to going to the bar to see her.  Then it just happened the weekend you went to your mother’s house.  She danced around me, playing with my hair and sort of invited herself over. I was caught in this web of deceit and darkness, and I let it take control.”
    Your father looked at me with such anguish in his eyes.
    “I do not expect you to ever forgive me.  I can’t even forgive myself for what I’ve done.”
    He finally stopped talking and we just sat in silence.
    Lisa, what could I do?  Your father was asking me for forgiveness.  He looked so helpless.  His eyes