butt of gibes about the man whose servants dared serve up a one-eyed calf’s head at his banquet. The cook was summoned to the table and interrogated, along with those who had been serving, with the result that poor Simplicius was exposed. It came out that when the calf’s head had been given him to bring up, both eyes were still in. What had happened after that no one could say. With what seemed to me a terrifying expression on his face, my master asked me what I had done with the calf’s eye. Quickly I whipped my spoon out of my pouch and demonstrated the answer to the question, giving the calf’s head the coup de grace and swallowing the second tasty morsel in the twinkling of an eye.
‘Par Dieu’, said my master, ‘that trick tastes better than ten whole calves.’ Everyone present applauded the governor’s wit and described what I had done out of simplicity as an incredibly clever subterfuge, promising courage and fearless resolve for the future. Not only did I escape punishment by repeating what I had done to deserve it, I was praised by sundry buffoons, sycophants and court jesters for having acted wisely in bringing the two eyes together again so that they could support each other in the way nature intended, both in this world and the next. My master, however, warned me not to try the trick on him again.
Chapter 30
How one can get merry little by little and without realising it end up blind drunk
At this banquet (and I assume it happens at others) the guests came to table like good Christians, saying grace quietly and, to all appearances, very reverently. This reverent silence, as if they were eating in a Capuchin monastery, lasted as long as they were occupied with the soup and first courses. But hardly had each one said ‘In God’s name’ three or four times than it all became much livelier. It is beyond my powers to describe how each man’s voice gradually grew louder and louder the longer he spoke; I could perhaps compare the whole company to an orator who starts his speech softly and ends up with a voice like thunder. The servants brought dishes called appetisers, because they were well spiced and were to be eaten before the drinking began, to give the diners a good thirst. The same was true of the entremets , which were chosen so that they went well with the drink, to say nothing of all kinds of French ragoûts and Spanish olla podridas . These dishes were very skilfully prepared and had countless different ingredients, with the result that they were so peppered and spiced, mixed and masked (all to give a good thirst), that the original natural ingredients were completely unrecognisable. Even the Roman epicure, Gnaeus Manlius, coming from Asia as he did and bringing the best cooks with him, would not have recognised them. I wondered whether such dishes might not destroy the senses of a man who indulges in them – and the drink, to encourage which they have mostly been concocted – and change him, perhaps even transform him into a beast?
Who knows, perhaps these were the means Circe used to change Ulysses’ companions into swine? I saw these guests gobble up the courses like pigs, swill the wine like cattle, behave like asses and finally spew like dogs. They poured the fine wines of Hochheim, Bacherach and Klingenberg into their bellies from glasses the size of buckets and the effects very quickly made themselves felt higher up, in their heads. Then I saw to my astonishment how they all were changed. Sensible people, who only a short while ago had been in full possession of their faculties, suddenly started acting the fool and saying the silliest things imaginable. The longer the banquet went on, the more stupid their tricks became and the bigger the toasts they drank, so that it seemed as if tricks and toasts were trying to outdo each other until the contest ended up in a wallow of obscenity.
The funniest thing about this was that I had no idea where all this giddiness came from since
‘Par Dieu’, said my master, ‘that trick tastes better than ten whole calves.’ Everyone present applauded the governor’s wit and described what I had done out of simplicity as an incredibly clever subterfuge, promising courage and fearless resolve for the future. Not only did I escape punishment by repeating what I had done to deserve it, I was praised by sundry buffoons, sycophants and court jesters for having acted wisely in bringing the two eyes together again so that they could support each other in the way nature intended, both in this world and the next. My master, however, warned me not to try the trick on him again.
Chapter 30
How one can get merry little by little and without realising it end up blind drunk
At this banquet (and I assume it happens at others) the guests came to table like good Christians, saying grace quietly and, to all appearances, very reverently. This reverent silence, as if they were eating in a Capuchin monastery, lasted as long as they were occupied with the soup and first courses. But hardly had each one said ‘In God’s name’ three or four times than it all became much livelier. It is beyond my powers to describe how each man’s voice gradually grew louder and louder the longer he spoke; I could perhaps compare the whole company to an orator who starts his speech softly and ends up with a voice like thunder. The servants brought dishes called appetisers, because they were well spiced and were to be eaten before the drinking began, to give the diners a good thirst. The same was true of the entremets , which were chosen so that they went well with the drink, to say nothing of all kinds of French ragoûts and Spanish olla podridas . These dishes were very skilfully prepared and had countless different ingredients, with the result that they were so peppered and spiced, mixed and masked (all to give a good thirst), that the original natural ingredients were completely unrecognisable. Even the Roman epicure, Gnaeus Manlius, coming from Asia as he did and bringing the best cooks with him, would not have recognised them. I wondered whether such dishes might not destroy the senses of a man who indulges in them – and the drink, to encourage which they have mostly been concocted – and change him, perhaps even transform him into a beast?
Who knows, perhaps these were the means Circe used to change Ulysses’ companions into swine? I saw these guests gobble up the courses like pigs, swill the wine like cattle, behave like asses and finally spew like dogs. They poured the fine wines of Hochheim, Bacherach and Klingenberg into their bellies from glasses the size of buckets and the effects very quickly made themselves felt higher up, in their heads. Then I saw to my astonishment how they all were changed. Sensible people, who only a short while ago had been in full possession of their faculties, suddenly started acting the fool and saying the silliest things imaginable. The longer the banquet went on, the more stupid their tricks became and the bigger the toasts they drank, so that it seemed as if tricks and toasts were trying to outdo each other until the contest ended up in a wallow of obscenity.
The funniest thing about this was that I had no idea where all this giddiness came from since
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