everyone how slutty Manda is. But I was tired of talking about it, and seized this perfect opportunity for a segue.
Sara seriously downsized over the summer.
Bruiser finally lost the fat? Bridget was so stunned that she temporarily forgot to refer to her as Skank and had regressed to using Saras slightly less damning nickname. Ten pounds? Twenty pounds? Fifty pounds? Like, how much?
Ive never been on a diet in my life. I have no idea how much weight would transform Sara from a stout trapezoid into a slender, rectangular shape. And I think my geometric explanation would be lost on Bridget. Math is not her strong suit.
I dont know, I said. A lot, I guess.
You never help when it comes to, like, the important stuff.
According to her definition of important , I couldnt agree more.
Bridget stood up, using her pale white hand to shield her eyes from the sun streaming through the window. She scanned the crowd, looking for the newly-skinny Skank. I remained seated and did the same. I found Sara within thirty seconds, but before I got around to pointing her out to Bridget, I discovered something far more disturbing.
Holy shit! Is that Manda wearing Scottys varsity jacket?
Bridget squinted her eyes in their direction. Skankier!
I couldnt read the name embroidered on the jacket, but from the way Scotty and Manda started plowing their tongues down each others throats, I think it was a safe bet that it was indeed Scottys wool-and-leather varsity jacket Manda was wearing on this ninety-degree, 10 tanning-index day. Somehow between last week and today, Manda had used her feminine wiles (aka her penile mastery) to nab His Royal Guy-ness, the Grand Poo-bah of the Upper Crust. Revolting.
I seriously think Im going to blow chunks, I said.
I thought you didnt, like, like Scotty anymore, Bridget said.
I dont, I replied. I never did like him as a boyfriend. But its just so sick that someone who once liked me, and wanted me to be his girlfriend, is now engaging in fluid exchange with Manda.
I still cant believe that he was my first and only ex-boyfriend. Of course, this was back in eighth grade, years before he became junior prom king, All-Shore point guard, and All-Around Cool Guy that he is today. I never really wanted to date him. Still dont. But when I saw him and Manda, I almost belly-flopped right out of the bleachers. Manda. I wonder if shell change her name to Mandy, to match up with the rest of his bimbocious girlfriends: Kelsey, Becky, Corey, Lindsey, and Tory. Ack. I didnt really know any of those girls, and that made their girlfriend status easier for me to take. Nevertheless, Scotty with Manda was too incestuous. I knew them both too well.
Ack.
I continued to freak out in this manner for the next half hour, until Bridget found a better source of distraction.
New hottie alert! she exclaimed, pointing to an intriguing guy on the opposite side of the gym. His hair is a deep, deep brown, a color I cant help but hope is a reflection of his deep, deep intellect. Its cut short on the back and sides, kept long on top, so it flops onto the wire-rims of his brainy specs. He possesses a subtle musculature, the kind you get from hiking alone for hours in the woods, not from pumping iron with a bunch of goons in the weight room, and a nervous smile he takes back as soon as he gives it away. Pale, perfect skin, not unlike that of the naked Nevermind baby swimming across his T-shirt, reaching for the dollar bill, taking the bait.
OOOH. My kind of cute. Geek cute, with an emphasis on the cute part. Yes, siree.
Oh, please let him be the new Honors Hottie Sara told me about. PHS has about a thousand students but seems much smaller. By the time youre a senior, you either know all nonfreshmen personally or know something about them that may or may not be true. Clearly, he wasnt freshman meat. No, Nirvana was fresh man meat. A transfer student from another
Sara seriously downsized over the summer.
Bruiser finally lost the fat? Bridget was so stunned that she temporarily forgot to refer to her as Skank and had regressed to using Saras slightly less damning nickname. Ten pounds? Twenty pounds? Fifty pounds? Like, how much?
Ive never been on a diet in my life. I have no idea how much weight would transform Sara from a stout trapezoid into a slender, rectangular shape. And I think my geometric explanation would be lost on Bridget. Math is not her strong suit.
I dont know, I said. A lot, I guess.
You never help when it comes to, like, the important stuff.
According to her definition of important , I couldnt agree more.
Bridget stood up, using her pale white hand to shield her eyes from the sun streaming through the window. She scanned the crowd, looking for the newly-skinny Skank. I remained seated and did the same. I found Sara within thirty seconds, but before I got around to pointing her out to Bridget, I discovered something far more disturbing.
Holy shit! Is that Manda wearing Scottys varsity jacket?
Bridget squinted her eyes in their direction. Skankier!
I couldnt read the name embroidered on the jacket, but from the way Scotty and Manda started plowing their tongues down each others throats, I think it was a safe bet that it was indeed Scottys wool-and-leather varsity jacket Manda was wearing on this ninety-degree, 10 tanning-index day. Somehow between last week and today, Manda had used her feminine wiles (aka her penile mastery) to nab His Royal Guy-ness, the Grand Poo-bah of the Upper Crust. Revolting.
I seriously think Im going to blow chunks, I said.
I thought you didnt, like, like Scotty anymore, Bridget said.
I dont, I replied. I never did like him as a boyfriend. But its just so sick that someone who once liked me, and wanted me to be his girlfriend, is now engaging in fluid exchange with Manda.
I still cant believe that he was my first and only ex-boyfriend. Of course, this was back in eighth grade, years before he became junior prom king, All-Shore point guard, and All-Around Cool Guy that he is today. I never really wanted to date him. Still dont. But when I saw him and Manda, I almost belly-flopped right out of the bleachers. Manda. I wonder if shell change her name to Mandy, to match up with the rest of his bimbocious girlfriends: Kelsey, Becky, Corey, Lindsey, and Tory. Ack. I didnt really know any of those girls, and that made their girlfriend status easier for me to take. Nevertheless, Scotty with Manda was too incestuous. I knew them both too well.
Ack.
I continued to freak out in this manner for the next half hour, until Bridget found a better source of distraction.
New hottie alert! she exclaimed, pointing to an intriguing guy on the opposite side of the gym. His hair is a deep, deep brown, a color I cant help but hope is a reflection of his deep, deep intellect. Its cut short on the back and sides, kept long on top, so it flops onto the wire-rims of his brainy specs. He possesses a subtle musculature, the kind you get from hiking alone for hours in the woods, not from pumping iron with a bunch of goons in the weight room, and a nervous smile he takes back as soon as he gives it away. Pale, perfect skin, not unlike that of the naked Nevermind baby swimming across his T-shirt, reaching for the dollar bill, taking the bait.
OOOH. My kind of cute. Geek cute, with an emphasis on the cute part. Yes, siree.
Oh, please let him be the new Honors Hottie Sara told me about. PHS has about a thousand students but seems much smaller. By the time youre a senior, you either know all nonfreshmen personally or know something about them that may or may not be true. Clearly, he wasnt freshman meat. No, Nirvana was fresh man meat. A transfer student from another
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