Santa Claus by Santa Responds: He's Had Enough.and He's Writing Back! Page B

you do, DON’T let this letter fall into the hands of Mrs. Claus.)

Dear Santa,
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    Santa why you ain’t get me
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my little laptop. That is so kind
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of sinning.
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    Mikey

    Dear Mikey,
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    Why you ain’t writing in a language I can understand? Master English and you’ll not only get a laptop, but you’ll also avoid a lifetime association with the penal system.
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    Your homey,
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    FAT SANTA

Dear Santa,
    For Christmas you gave me everything I wanted. I’m not sure if you gave my cat enough, but I think he can manage. I wanted to thank you for eleven whole years of fabulous gifts, and making a lot of children happy. I wish you would have eaten the cookies my mom set out for you. Your reindeer had no problems leaving my family a pleasant little present. Could you get down the chimney easily, we left a fire burning. There isn’t much room left so I should get started with my gift demands. Next year I want A NEW CELL PHONE! A GIFT CERTIFICATE TO TIFFANY’S! EVERY NEW BARBIE ITEM PRODUCED DURING THE PAST TWO YEARS! A PLAYSTATION, AN X-BOX AND A Wii! A NEW OUTFIT FOR EVERY WEEK OF THE YEAR! AND A PUREBRED CORGI NAMED GISELLE! (if that’s not to much trouble!!) By the way, next year, please bring my parents more things.
    Thank you Santa!
Tara

    Dear Tara,
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    The signs were all there, but clearly you’ve missed them. The cookies weren’t eaten, and the burning fire wasn’t a problem for the simple reason that I’ve never stopped at your house—not even once. I don’t even want to think where the “present” in your yard that you attribute to my reindeer came from.
    I’ve never visited your house because your parents buy you everything you’ve ever even glanced at, all in a pathetic attempt to purchase your affections—little good that it’s done them as I’ve watched you grow into an increasingly nasty, greedy little brat. If you had even a hint of a conscience, you’d realize that your parents receive little at Christmas for the simple reason that they have no money left after spending it all on you (and your cat). Frankly, it serves them right.
    But don’t worry, they’ll continue to lavish money and gifts on you for everything from prom, to your sweet sixteen party, to your $500,000 wedding that they’ll mortgage their house for. When your father has a heart attack, he’ll even understand that your nail appointment took precedence over visiting him in the hospital—even though you’ll miss your last opportunity to see him alive. There will be nothing left for you to inherit, but that’s okay because you’ll be married to a sucker who will work his ass off in a fruitless attempt to try and satisfy you. Through it all you will continue to feel deprived. By then you’ll have even stopped noticing that I’ve never paid you a visit.
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    Coal is too good for you,
    SANTA

Dear Santa,
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    I hope you remember me from when I came to sit on your lap at the mall, but it’s me Sarah!!!
    I’ve been sooooooooo good this year you wouldn’t believe it. I brush my teeth everyday and I listen to my mom and dad all of the time. I really hope you noticed. Say hi to Rudolph for me, I like him the best. Anyway, this year for Christmas, I really really really want a new Barbie doll and a make-up kit so I can play dress up with all my friends. I really hope you get this letter Santa because I sure could use all of these things. Thanks again.
    Love,
Sarah (with an H)
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    ps. I wont forget to leave your favorite chocolate chip cookies and a tall glass of milk, plus I got carrots for all the reindeer.

    Dear Sarah with an H,
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    I’m afraid I can’t say “hi” to Rudolph for you. Rudolph doesn’t exist. He was an invention of the Montgomery Ward company back in 1939, and I’ve never seen a dime of the revenues generated by that red-nosed cash