her) to be a helper.
The Way Men Are
Even some feminists have discovered the wisdom behind biblical submission (though most would never use that phrase). Laura Doyle shocked some of her feminist peers in 1999 when she released The Surrendered Wife . The title alone caused great controversy in New York publishing circles; when the book hit the top-ten list, people really started talking.
In her book, Laura admitted that she felt unhappy with her marriage, so she started asking other husbands what they wanted from their wives. After listening to their comments, Laura concluded that her husband probably wanted the same things, so she tried to put them into practice. Laura stopped nagging her husband; she cut out the complaints and criticisms, and then she started letting him lead in important decisions. She did what she could to help him, and she even — this really raised a controversy — started having sex whenever he wanted it. Treated this way, Laura’s man suddenly became a “fabulous” husband.
I’m not endorsing the tactics found in Laura’s book, because I believe our motivation has to come from reverence for Christ more than doing one thing in order to get something else. But at the very least, it shows that even feminists are discovering how a man “works.” The typical man remains unmoved by power plays or criticism or by a wife who disrespects him. He’s moved by a wife who lets him lead and then helps him get where he wants to go.
This isn’t merely cultural. Neuroscience has shown this is how men’s brains are wired. Men, for the most part, are physiologically inclined toward certain attitudes at work and home. If you really want to move your man, you must treat him the way God designed him to be treated.
You can’t make your husband serve you or care for you — but you can focus on helping him, and more times than not, that action alone will prompt him to serve and to care. Even if it doesn’t, it will, in the words of one wife (whom you’ll read about later), unleash a great spiritual adventure in your own life.
Thankfully, you’re not in this alone. If you can first accept God’s plan for marriage, then you can receive God’s help to make the marriage work. God wants to help you and your husband build a family that honors him; his help is more than sufficient for your needs: “[Christ] is not weak in dealing with you, but is powerful among you” (2 Corinthians 13:3).
My wife and I have the same goal for our home that Paul has for the church: “And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit” (Ephesians 2:22). How do we become such a dwelling? I need to faithfully discharge the duties of a husband, while my wife needs to faithfully fulfill the duties of a wife. We intend to witness to the beauty of God’s life and God’s church in our own house and neighborhood.
This doesn’t always come naturally for us. I’m not a type A personality; I’m not always the strong leader I need to be. I tend to frustrate Lisa more by letting things slide than by acting in an overbearing way. And Lisa, I’m sure, hasn’t always had the easiest time fulfilling God’s call to submit to an imperfect and sometimes weak husband. But we both remain committed to God’s design. Because God’s plan seems to go against my nature doesn’t mean I question God’s plan; it means I submit to his will and ask him to help me overcome my natural and sinful weaknesses.
The issue isn’t what makes me or Lisa happy; the issue is what makes God happy. We don’t direct our lives by what makes us comfortable; we try to order our lives by what brings the maximum glory to God and by what will fulfill our call to proclaim the message of God’s reconciliation. This has given us a joy that far surpasses any temporary happiness.
Both of us have to regularly throw ourselves before God to ful-fill his calling in our lives. In the twenty-plus years we have been
The Way Men Are
Even some feminists have discovered the wisdom behind biblical submission (though most would never use that phrase). Laura Doyle shocked some of her feminist peers in 1999 when she released The Surrendered Wife . The title alone caused great controversy in New York publishing circles; when the book hit the top-ten list, people really started talking.
In her book, Laura admitted that she felt unhappy with her marriage, so she started asking other husbands what they wanted from their wives. After listening to their comments, Laura concluded that her husband probably wanted the same things, so she tried to put them into practice. Laura stopped nagging her husband; she cut out the complaints and criticisms, and then she started letting him lead in important decisions. She did what she could to help him, and she even — this really raised a controversy — started having sex whenever he wanted it. Treated this way, Laura’s man suddenly became a “fabulous” husband.
I’m not endorsing the tactics found in Laura’s book, because I believe our motivation has to come from reverence for Christ more than doing one thing in order to get something else. But at the very least, it shows that even feminists are discovering how a man “works.” The typical man remains unmoved by power plays or criticism or by a wife who disrespects him. He’s moved by a wife who lets him lead and then helps him get where he wants to go.
This isn’t merely cultural. Neuroscience has shown this is how men’s brains are wired. Men, for the most part, are physiologically inclined toward certain attitudes at work and home. If you really want to move your man, you must treat him the way God designed him to be treated.
You can’t make your husband serve you or care for you — but you can focus on helping him, and more times than not, that action alone will prompt him to serve and to care. Even if it doesn’t, it will, in the words of one wife (whom you’ll read about later), unleash a great spiritual adventure in your own life.
Thankfully, you’re not in this alone. If you can first accept God’s plan for marriage, then you can receive God’s help to make the marriage work. God wants to help you and your husband build a family that honors him; his help is more than sufficient for your needs: “[Christ] is not weak in dealing with you, but is powerful among you” (2 Corinthians 13:3).
My wife and I have the same goal for our home that Paul has for the church: “And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit” (Ephesians 2:22). How do we become such a dwelling? I need to faithfully discharge the duties of a husband, while my wife needs to faithfully fulfill the duties of a wife. We intend to witness to the beauty of God’s life and God’s church in our own house and neighborhood.
This doesn’t always come naturally for us. I’m not a type A personality; I’m not always the strong leader I need to be. I tend to frustrate Lisa more by letting things slide than by acting in an overbearing way. And Lisa, I’m sure, hasn’t always had the easiest time fulfilling God’s call to submit to an imperfect and sometimes weak husband. But we both remain committed to God’s design. Because God’s plan seems to go against my nature doesn’t mean I question God’s plan; it means I submit to his will and ask him to help me overcome my natural and sinful weaknesses.
The issue isn’t what makes me or Lisa happy; the issue is what makes God happy. We don’t direct our lives by what makes us comfortable; we try to order our lives by what brings the maximum glory to God and by what will fulfill our call to proclaim the message of God’s reconciliation. This has given us a joy that far surpasses any temporary happiness.
Both of us have to regularly throw ourselves before God to ful-fill his calling in our lives. In the twenty-plus years we have been
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