of me who loves to play.”
And that’s true. It’s his passion.
“But you don’t feel like it’s a game you’re playing, you think it defines you. I also know as much as you love the game, you hate that piece of it.”
“It’s the only thing I’ve ever been good at.” He sighs.
That’s a lie. He was good at being with me. “What else have you tried?” Pushing to my feet, I say, “I’ll be right back.”
Inside I pull out the buns before grabbing the tomato slices out of the fridge. There are a few hamburger pickles in a jar so I set them on the counter too, followed by the mustard and mayo.
Because dishes suck, I pick a few paper plates off the stack and then head back outside. “Forty-five seconds and they’ll be ready to pull off.”
Brandon huffs. “Got it down to the seconds now, huh?”
“Watch and see.” When the time is up, I raise the lid off the grill and put the burgers on the plate. “Wait till you taste these.”
Brandon reaches around me and slides the screen open for me.
“Thanks,” I mumble before leading the way inside. We make our burgers in the kitchen. I don’t have anything except potato chips to go with them, so I take those out and Brandon nods his head toward them, waiting for me to take a handful out before he does.
“I’ll grab you another beer.” He opens the fridge and takes two out and then we’re on the balcony again.
There’s no table but neither of us hesitates to put the plates on our laps. Like an idiot, I wait for him to take a bite before I eat. After he swallows I raise an eyebrow at him and Brandon says, “Okay, so you
might
be able to barbecue now.”
“That’s what I thought.” I lean back into the chair to start eating, and I can’t help but feel . . . content.
It’s dark out now, the porch light above us making it so we can see. We’ve been out here for hours, the only thing either of us has gone inside for is something to drink, take a piss or when I grabbed a shirt to keep the mosquitoes from eating me alive.
We’ve talked about everything and nothing too. Nothing big, and everything small but the conversation has hardly stopped the whole time. We’ve always been like that. I wonder if it’s because we keep one of the most important pieces of ourselves quiet from the world, so we can’t help but want to talk about everything when we’re together.
There’s a slight lull in the conversation now and I can’t stop thinking of the fact that we haven’t been like this in years. When he goes back to Ohio, we’ll never be like this again.
We were together and then the next thing I knew he forced me to walk away from him. One day he was fine and the next they’d cut his chest open to do surgery on his heart. It makes you think. Makes you realize how fast shit changes.
“I don’t want to spend my summer working with my dad, man. I know that’s messed up but I don’t.”
“Screw that. It’s not fucked up. I hate the way he is with you.”
I shrug even though I’m not sure if he’s looking at me. My eyes are forward, looking at the stars Charlie loves so much. “It’s really not that bad. I know he loves me. He’s not abusive . . . just ignorant and outspoken, which don’t go well together.”
Brandon doesn’t say anything, so I continue. “That’s what stresses me out. I know he loves me. I’m his son and we’ve always been close. It’s just the older I got, when I started to realize I was gay, I noticed more things about him I hated. I did more things he didn’t understand. The thing is . . .” I take a deep breath. “I’m not going to keep doing this, ya know? I don’t want to hide forever. I’m not saying I’ll be ready to come out tomorrow but I know it will be soon and when I do, I know he really will hate me. I’m scared the more I’m around him, the more I’ll think about that. I’m afraid I’ll start to hate him and I’m not ready for that to happen yet.”
“Shit . . . I’m
And that’s true. It’s his passion.
“But you don’t feel like it’s a game you’re playing, you think it defines you. I also know as much as you love the game, you hate that piece of it.”
“It’s the only thing I’ve ever been good at.” He sighs.
That’s a lie. He was good at being with me. “What else have you tried?” Pushing to my feet, I say, “I’ll be right back.”
Inside I pull out the buns before grabbing the tomato slices out of the fridge. There are a few hamburger pickles in a jar so I set them on the counter too, followed by the mustard and mayo.
Because dishes suck, I pick a few paper plates off the stack and then head back outside. “Forty-five seconds and they’ll be ready to pull off.”
Brandon huffs. “Got it down to the seconds now, huh?”
“Watch and see.” When the time is up, I raise the lid off the grill and put the burgers on the plate. “Wait till you taste these.”
Brandon reaches around me and slides the screen open for me.
“Thanks,” I mumble before leading the way inside. We make our burgers in the kitchen. I don’t have anything except potato chips to go with them, so I take those out and Brandon nods his head toward them, waiting for me to take a handful out before he does.
“I’ll grab you another beer.” He opens the fridge and takes two out and then we’re on the balcony again.
There’s no table but neither of us hesitates to put the plates on our laps. Like an idiot, I wait for him to take a bite before I eat. After he swallows I raise an eyebrow at him and Brandon says, “Okay, so you
might
be able to barbecue now.”
“That’s what I thought.” I lean back into the chair to start eating, and I can’t help but feel . . . content.
It’s dark out now, the porch light above us making it so we can see. We’ve been out here for hours, the only thing either of us has gone inside for is something to drink, take a piss or when I grabbed a shirt to keep the mosquitoes from eating me alive.
We’ve talked about everything and nothing too. Nothing big, and everything small but the conversation has hardly stopped the whole time. We’ve always been like that. I wonder if it’s because we keep one of the most important pieces of ourselves quiet from the world, so we can’t help but want to talk about everything when we’re together.
There’s a slight lull in the conversation now and I can’t stop thinking of the fact that we haven’t been like this in years. When he goes back to Ohio, we’ll never be like this again.
We were together and then the next thing I knew he forced me to walk away from him. One day he was fine and the next they’d cut his chest open to do surgery on his heart. It makes you think. Makes you realize how fast shit changes.
“I don’t want to spend my summer working with my dad, man. I know that’s messed up but I don’t.”
“Screw that. It’s not fucked up. I hate the way he is with you.”
I shrug even though I’m not sure if he’s looking at me. My eyes are forward, looking at the stars Charlie loves so much. “It’s really not that bad. I know he loves me. He’s not abusive . . . just ignorant and outspoken, which don’t go well together.”
Brandon doesn’t say anything, so I continue. “That’s what stresses me out. I know he loves me. I’m his son and we’ve always been close. It’s just the older I got, when I started to realize I was gay, I noticed more things about him I hated. I did more things he didn’t understand. The thing is . . .” I take a deep breath. “I’m not going to keep doing this, ya know? I don’t want to hide forever. I’m not saying I’ll be ready to come out tomorrow but I know it will be soon and when I do, I know he really will hate me. I’m scared the more I’m around him, the more I’ll think about that. I’m afraid I’ll start to hate him and I’m not ready for that to happen yet.”
“Shit . . . I’m
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