Roar by Aria Cage

never been how we roll, Charlie.” But that doesn’t mean I will give up. I’ll just fight harder .

 
     
     
    I FOLLOWED HIM RIGHT to the slaughter… okay, slaughter probably isn’t the accurate adjective, but with all the staring and questions, I would rather the easy slaughter.
    Everyone is nice―nice smiles, nice conversation, nice families, but nice doesn’t mean anything real. My mother was nice, yet she had a child to a monster. Daddy was nice―a nice member of the community, nice public servant within the force; nice was his mask to the truth of the darkness to his soul. Paul is nice, until he feels threatened. I’m nice, and yet… you get the point. Nice is nothing but a cover people use in the presence of others, and I’m surrounded by niceties.
    The only real person in my life has been Nate. He is the only snowflake among us, different, and beautiful, and fragile. I know if I hold him, I’ll destroy him. I knew that a long time ago. That’s why I never visited him after he go out of prison and never came for him when he was released into a world he wouldn’t understand. He chose to keep me away while he was inside, and I kept to that. I chose to honor his wishes and never call, never write. I did him better than that; I let him live.
    I look at him stuffing a chicken roll in his mouth, his skin glowing with the bright sun above, and the glistening of the lake, his eyes brightly lit with contentment and love. He is beautiful and deserves the world. I know I did the right thing. I also know he still wants me, though I think it’s out of habit. Nate always said I was brainwashed by Daddy, but I wasn’t his only victim. Nate doesn’t realize it, but he was brainwashed, too. He doesn’t really want me, love me, or need me. He has been programmed to believe these things. If I hadn’t taken his hand that day and taken him into my hell, he would be with a woman who was beautiful on the inside as well at the outside; she would be giving him babies, and they would be holding hands right now, sharing this lunch with loved ones.
    That’s what should be happening in Nate’s life, but because fate is a complete and unfaithful bitch, Nate sees that kind of future with me. I can practically feel it still vibrating from his soul. We used to dream of such things, but dreams are for the innocent and naïve. I am definitely neither.
    I try not to stare at him like a wishful idiot, and instead find Nona’s eyes. She’s only slightly better than Nate; she wishes like we do, but she also sees the painful reality in our future. I never want to hurt them more than I already have, and my being here with them raises the odds on that happening.
    “She’s worried,” Nate whispers in my ear and then squeezes my thigh. He shouldn’t touch me. I shouldn’t let him touch me either, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to summon my hand to move it, or my mouth to tell him to either. I should never have said yes to this.
    “She has every right to be,” I say not looking at him.
    “For today, could you just enjoy yourself? Enjoy being here with family… with me.”
    I turn to him, our faces, our lips, so close I can’t help but drop my eyes to them. “If I start, I don’t know if I can do what I must.”
    “And what is that?”
    I think he knows exactly what I’m referring to, but his warm breath and the pull of him keep me glued, drawing out my answer. “Leave.”
    “So don’t.” There is a desperate begging underlining in his words, and I agree. I really do.
    I don’t want to leave, and I want to tell him that. But if I do, he will never be free.
    Our breathing is so shallow, and I look him in the eyes again, past those long lashes that beg for my kiss. “I can’t stay.”
    “I will let you go if you kiss me, right here, right now,” he dares me. I’m about to look for our audience; there’s about fifteen families here, but he shakes his head just a little. “Just you and me, no one else matters