jokes. But his eyes are still worried.
“Caught me off-guard,” I croak. The air shifts, and all my nervousnessgoes away. This is just Eric. Sure, he’s a professor now, and I’m not his student. But there’s nothing there. He’s a nice guy, I’m a friendly person, and we’re just having a cup of coffee as colleagues.
That reminds me. “Did Carol ever work with your department? Are there procedures I need to know about?”
His face changes, and then goes back to neutral quickly. I’ve said something to upset him,but I don’t know what. And then he says, “I wouldn’t know. I’m an assistant professor, so I don’t deal with administrative affairs.” His eyes glance over mine, like he’s making a show of being polite.
The air has chilled quite fast between us.
I try to change the subject, waving my hand. “No big deal. I’m sure your department admin can tell me. So how did you become a big professor?” I ask,leaning forward to reach for my coffee.
“You need training wheels for that?” he jokes, eyeing my hand warily.
I know he’s kidd ing, but there’s a needle in his words. “It’ll be fine. Besides, if I dump it in your lap, plastic surgery can do wonders for burns these days.”
His turn to choke, but the look he gives me isn’t one of shared laughter.
Chapter Fourteen
“ You’ve changed,” he says, looking down at the table, his fingers tracing a long, carved “C” in the wood.
He is pissed, and trying to hide it. A plume of fear spreads through me. The tiny room closes in. All my confidence disappears. A cloud of shame hovers over me. Everything that felt just right now is terribly wrong. Who do I think I am, joking and feeling good? Like I havea right to think I am like everyone else.
“I have?”
“H uh ,” he says, then takes an angry gulp of coffee. “Let’s talk about something other than scorching my balls, Carrie.” My name sounds like he’s spitting it, and he won’t look at me.
I don’t know what to say. All I can process is my pounding heart and the bare-naked feeling I have. Like my skin is turned inside out and everyone is staringat me. It’s the same feeling I had after Dad’s arrest whenever I set foot on campus, or went to the grocery store. People knew something was wrong with me. They just knew.
Eric makes me feel this way right now.
“How about your job? Working out fine with Dean Landau?” At the sound of my boss’s name, I blink, my trance ended. Shame floats away slowly, reluctantly, but I can will it to leave.
It does. Barely.
“Fine,” I answer in a measured tone.
“No problems?” He eyes me with a skeptical glance.
“It’s only day two. Ask again in a few months.”
That gets a more genuine laugh. Whatever storm I’ve triggered in him seems to be passing. “Claudia was livid when they took you instead of her,” he says with a fake casual tone.
My ears perk up. Is he sharing gossip, for fishing for information?
“ I kind of guessed.” Another gulp of my cooler coffee feels like a bit of me is restored. “She wasn’t happy to see me yesterday,” I add.
“She was up there?” His eyes light up. Reading his signals is giving me a headache. I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. Am I getting this wrong? He seems to be attracted to me, but then he shuts down in anger. And now he’s looking at me likeI’m Claudia’ s BFF who can put in a good word for him.
Middle school. I’m in the grown-up version of middle school. Great.
I nod and drink more. The cinnamon feels comforting. The sense of shameful unreality lingers on my skin like dried sweat. I pretend to look at my phone. I pretend I have a pressing message.
“I have to go!” I exclaim. “The dean needs me to get his lunch. He’s working through.” Please believe the lie.
Eric’s laugh is bitter, but he stands with me. “He has you fetching his lunch?” Shaking his head, it’s clear Eric disapproves. The cloud of weirdness
“Caught me off-guard,” I croak. The air shifts, and all my nervousnessgoes away. This is just Eric. Sure, he’s a professor now, and I’m not his student. But there’s nothing there. He’s a nice guy, I’m a friendly person, and we’re just having a cup of coffee as colleagues.
That reminds me. “Did Carol ever work with your department? Are there procedures I need to know about?”
His face changes, and then goes back to neutral quickly. I’ve said something to upset him,but I don’t know what. And then he says, “I wouldn’t know. I’m an assistant professor, so I don’t deal with administrative affairs.” His eyes glance over mine, like he’s making a show of being polite.
The air has chilled quite fast between us.
I try to change the subject, waving my hand. “No big deal. I’m sure your department admin can tell me. So how did you become a big professor?” I ask,leaning forward to reach for my coffee.
“You need training wheels for that?” he jokes, eyeing my hand warily.
I know he’s kidd ing, but there’s a needle in his words. “It’ll be fine. Besides, if I dump it in your lap, plastic surgery can do wonders for burns these days.”
His turn to choke, but the look he gives me isn’t one of shared laughter.
Chapter Fourteen
“ You’ve changed,” he says, looking down at the table, his fingers tracing a long, carved “C” in the wood.
He is pissed, and trying to hide it. A plume of fear spreads through me. The tiny room closes in. All my confidence disappears. A cloud of shame hovers over me. Everything that felt just right now is terribly wrong. Who do I think I am, joking and feeling good? Like I havea right to think I am like everyone else.
“I have?”
“H uh ,” he says, then takes an angry gulp of coffee. “Let’s talk about something other than scorching my balls, Carrie.” My name sounds like he’s spitting it, and he won’t look at me.
I don’t know what to say. All I can process is my pounding heart and the bare-naked feeling I have. Like my skin is turned inside out and everyone is staringat me. It’s the same feeling I had after Dad’s arrest whenever I set foot on campus, or went to the grocery store. People knew something was wrong with me. They just knew.
Eric makes me feel this way right now.
“How about your job? Working out fine with Dean Landau?” At the sound of my boss’s name, I blink, my trance ended. Shame floats away slowly, reluctantly, but I can will it to leave.
It does. Barely.
“Fine,” I answer in a measured tone.
“No problems?” He eyes me with a skeptical glance.
“It’s only day two. Ask again in a few months.”
That gets a more genuine laugh. Whatever storm I’ve triggered in him seems to be passing. “Claudia was livid when they took you instead of her,” he says with a fake casual tone.
My ears perk up. Is he sharing gossip, for fishing for information?
“ I kind of guessed.” Another gulp of my cooler coffee feels like a bit of me is restored. “She wasn’t happy to see me yesterday,” I add.
“She was up there?” His eyes light up. Reading his signals is giving me a headache. I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. Am I getting this wrong? He seems to be attracted to me, but then he shuts down in anger. And now he’s looking at me likeI’m Claudia’ s BFF who can put in a good word for him.
Middle school. I’m in the grown-up version of middle school. Great.
I nod and drink more. The cinnamon feels comforting. The sense of shameful unreality lingers on my skin like dried sweat. I pretend to look at my phone. I pretend I have a pressing message.
“I have to go!” I exclaim. “The dean needs me to get his lunch. He’s working through.” Please believe the lie.
Eric’s laugh is bitter, but he stands with me. “He has you fetching his lunch?” Shaking his head, it’s clear Eric disapproves. The cloud of weirdness
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