Retromancer by Robert Rankin Page B

can be trusted,’ he said. ‘He is my valued companion. Now, Rizla, please read it aloud. And also let us have your observations.’ And he handed an envelope to me and I took this, examined it and said the following things.
    ‘A cheap envelope,’ I said, ‘which could have been purchased anywhere; no stamp, so as you say, hand-delivered. Opened with a paperknife.’
    And Hugo Rune said, ‘Bravo.’
    I drew the letter from the envelope and opened it up with care. ‘Folded seven times,’ I said. ‘Rather unusual and unnecessary. But typed-’ and I examined the typing carefully ‘-upon a somewhat superannuated typewriter, which has given several distinctive features to the print. And now the contents I shall read aloud.’
    And so I did.
    Dear Scum
     
    I read. And, ‘Ahem,’ went I.
     
    Dear Scum,
    Know that the war is lost for you and your kind, you who have squeezed this country until the very pips bled. A Dawn of Gold shines from out of the darkness. Your end is nigh and know this too. We will take back what is ours, starting with your National Treasure. Before the Dawn comes. This shall be the first sign of our power.
    ‘It is not signed,’ I said. And I turned the letter over. ‘That is all it says.’
    ‘And what do you make of it, Rizla?’
    ‘Poison pen letter,’ I said. ‘From some local nutter who has it in for the swells.’
    ‘There is a great deal more to it than that, methinks. Pour coffee, if you will.’
    I returned the letter and envelope to Mr Rune and poured coffee. Lord Jason helped himself to three spoonfuls of ersatz sugar and a Bourbon biscuit that I had set aside for myself. I sat down at the now-occasioned table and awaited further developments. These were not too long in coming.
    ‘National Treasure,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘Now what would you take that to be, Rizla?’
    ‘A plot to kidnap George Formby?’ I suggested.
    ‘Try once more.’
    ‘Not Vera Lynn?’ And here I shrugged. ‘I have never liked her much anyway.’
    ‘No, Rizla,’ said Himself. ‘It is referring to the National Treasure. It is referring to the Crown jewels.’
    ‘Oooh,’ I went and I whistled as I went. ‘A plot to steal the Crown jewels, how exciting.’ But there was a certain tone to my voice. One that more than merely hinted that I was not convinced.
    ‘Are you suggesting that I am wrong?’
    ‘Why, perish the thought,’ said I. ‘But come on now, Mr Rune, that is a letter from a loony.’
    ‘Would you care to wager on this matter?’
    ‘Well…’ But I knew far better than to bet against Hugo Rune. ‘I will keep my money,’ I said. ‘Or would if I had any. Do you not think it is time that you started paying me some wages?’
    But Hugo Rune was having none of that. ‘ “Before the Dawn comes,” ’ he quoted. ‘Which I must take to mean that the Crown jewels are to be stolen tonight.’
    But I shook my head at this. ‘Oh, please,’ I said. ‘The Crown jewels? This will be only our second case, if it proves to be a case at all. The theft of the Crown jewels is a Crime-of-the-Century sort of occurrence. Surely that would merit it being at least our eighth or ninth case?’
    And, pleased with the persuasiveness of this argument, I took to supping my coffee.
    ‘I shall take the case,’ said Hugo Rune to Lord Jason. ‘Is your Uncle Rottweiler still an equerry at Kensington Palace?’
    Lord Jason nodded.
    ‘I already have an OBE and a Victoria Cross,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘When I save the National Treasure, I think perhaps a very special one-off knighthood would be in order, in honour of that particular day. What say you?’
    And Lord Jason nodded once more.
    ‘Ludicrous,’ I said. And I threw up my hands, nearly taking my left eye out with my coffee spoon.
    ‘Well, ludicrous or not, it takes my fancy. Pluck a card from the deck and we’ll be on our way.’
    ‘But my breakfast has not gone down yet,’ I complained.
    ‘A card from the deck, young Rizla.’
    And I plucked a