nipples, and the simplicity of her hands by her sides as she crossed the room; I saw the sweat between her breasts as she came to straddle me. I couldn’t feel so well what happened because I encouraged the altered state I found myself in, as a way to cope, a way for control; I know she moved back on my knee to undo my pants, I know she linked her hands behind my neck and didn’t need to guide me inside her, I know her feet were by my sides and her knees were bony and sometimes brushing her elbows, I know she was warm and wet and in control and I was gripped with fear just before I came, and that she drove harder and took me deeper and breathed into my mouth that it was okay.
She was gone from me quickly, and gone from the room. I didn’t see Rohan lead her away, but knew he did. From my chair I could hear their bedroom door shut and then the soft moans of Denny. It was then I knew, or understood, how it would be, the contract we had jointly signed. The outlines were amazingly clear to me, as though they’d been genetically encoded, latent sexual concepts deep within my psyche, and it was this innate understanding that made it possible for me to hitch up my pants and go out to the veranda; it was the matter-of-fact zing in every cell of my body, overriding the sensational thoughts in my head, that brought the cool night air back to me and the calm veer into regulation.
Now, as I listened to my brother lose out to lust, groan as if in pain, I placed my hands carefully and deliberately on the twisted wicker of the chair and looked out at the moonlit paddock with nothing more telling on my mind than if the wind would pick up that night.
6
‘ YOU CALL ME rough?’ Denny held up a raw chop and waved it over her shoulder. ‘Look at this. It’s two inches thick.’
We’d closed the two barn-style shed doors to keep the flies out; the sunlight was left to struggle through thin cracks between the boards and old nail-holes in the corrugated roof. The air was rich with tangy blood, fresh meat, and the creaminess of white fat. We all wore gore-smeared aprons and stood at respective benches along the boarded walls. The butchered remains of the sheep sat between us in a plastic crate. Rohan frowned over at Denny.
‘You might manage not to overcook that one,’ he said.
She slapped the chop down. ‘What about the bone flecks? What purpose do they serve?’
‘Keep you on your toes.’
‘Of course.’
‘The carcass could have done with longer,’ I said, prodding the loose meat of a foreleg before putting it in a bag. ‘Three days isn’t enough. It’s hardly set.’
‘You two gunna keep complaining? I don’t see anyone over here offering to do the real job. Or refusing anything that lands on their plate. You seem to wolf it down all right.’
‘I was a vegetarian,’ Denny said, ignoring him. ‘Can you believe that?’
‘I can, actually,’ I said.
‘Not strict, just red meat. This,’ she said, looking at the congealed fat and cuts of meat in front of her, ‘would have made me throw up.’
‘And now?’
She smiled over at me. ‘I’ve been packing it away and wondering how it comes up raw.’
‘Not too bad,’ I said. ‘I tried some raw mince at a restaurant once. You remember, Rohan? We went to one of those places that had everything on the menu – kangaroo, crocodile, possum patties – that sort of thing; I had an au naturel veal burger.’
‘That’s right,’ Rohan said, ‘with salt and pepper and some salsa thing mixed in – I’m sure it tasted fine. And with Casualty down the road to pump your stomach if you came down with food poisoning, I’m sure it was low risk.’
‘Needless to say,’ I said, holding Denny’s gaze, ‘Rohan lashed out and had a well-done T-bone.’
‘Veal though,’ Denny said. ‘That is disgusting.’
‘I don’t think so. At least the calves didn’t have to go through the feed-lot system. They only had a short time on the mass-market conveyor
She was gone from me quickly, and gone from the room. I didn’t see Rohan lead her away, but knew he did. From my chair I could hear their bedroom door shut and then the soft moans of Denny. It was then I knew, or understood, how it would be, the contract we had jointly signed. The outlines were amazingly clear to me, as though they’d been genetically encoded, latent sexual concepts deep within my psyche, and it was this innate understanding that made it possible for me to hitch up my pants and go out to the veranda; it was the matter-of-fact zing in every cell of my body, overriding the sensational thoughts in my head, that brought the cool night air back to me and the calm veer into regulation.
Now, as I listened to my brother lose out to lust, groan as if in pain, I placed my hands carefully and deliberately on the twisted wicker of the chair and looked out at the moonlit paddock with nothing more telling on my mind than if the wind would pick up that night.
6
‘ YOU CALL ME rough?’ Denny held up a raw chop and waved it over her shoulder. ‘Look at this. It’s two inches thick.’
We’d closed the two barn-style shed doors to keep the flies out; the sunlight was left to struggle through thin cracks between the boards and old nail-holes in the corrugated roof. The air was rich with tangy blood, fresh meat, and the creaminess of white fat. We all wore gore-smeared aprons and stood at respective benches along the boarded walls. The butchered remains of the sheep sat between us in a plastic crate. Rohan frowned over at Denny.
‘You might manage not to overcook that one,’ he said.
She slapped the chop down. ‘What about the bone flecks? What purpose do they serve?’
‘Keep you on your toes.’
‘Of course.’
‘The carcass could have done with longer,’ I said, prodding the loose meat of a foreleg before putting it in a bag. ‘Three days isn’t enough. It’s hardly set.’
‘You two gunna keep complaining? I don’t see anyone over here offering to do the real job. Or refusing anything that lands on their plate. You seem to wolf it down all right.’
‘I was a vegetarian,’ Denny said, ignoring him. ‘Can you believe that?’
‘I can, actually,’ I said.
‘Not strict, just red meat. This,’ she said, looking at the congealed fat and cuts of meat in front of her, ‘would have made me throw up.’
‘And now?’
She smiled over at me. ‘I’ve been packing it away and wondering how it comes up raw.’
‘Not too bad,’ I said. ‘I tried some raw mince at a restaurant once. You remember, Rohan? We went to one of those places that had everything on the menu – kangaroo, crocodile, possum patties – that sort of thing; I had an au naturel veal burger.’
‘That’s right,’ Rohan said, ‘with salt and pepper and some salsa thing mixed in – I’m sure it tasted fine. And with Casualty down the road to pump your stomach if you came down with food poisoning, I’m sure it was low risk.’
‘Needless to say,’ I said, holding Denny’s gaze, ‘Rohan lashed out and had a well-done T-bone.’
‘Veal though,’ Denny said. ‘That is disgusting.’
‘I don’t think so. At least the calves didn’t have to go through the feed-lot system. They only had a short time on the mass-market conveyor
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