Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) by George Bernard Shaw Page A
Authors: George Bernard Shaw
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You are welcome to my secret since I have discovered yours. But I am astonished. Can a madman make cannons?
UNDERSHAFT Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now [with surging energy] question for question. Can a sane man translate Euripides?
CUSINS No.
UNDERSHAFT [seizing him by the shoulder] Can a sane woman make a man of a waster or a woman of a worm?
CUSINS [reeling before the storm] Father Colossus—Mammoth Millionaire—
UNDERSHAFT [pressing him] Are there two mad people or three in this Salvation shelter to-day?
CUSINS You mean Barbara is as mad as we are!
UNDERSHAFT [pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity suddenly and completely] Pooh, Professor! let us call things by their proper names. I am a millionaire; you are a poet; Barbara is a savior of souls. What have we three to do with the common mob of slaves and idolaters? [He sits down again with a shrug of contempt for the mob.]
CUSINS Take care! Barbara is in love with the common people. So am I. Have you never felt the romance of that love?
UNDERSHAFT [cold and sardonic] Have you ever been in love with Poverty, like St. Francis? Have you ever been in love with Dirt, like St. Simeon? bg Have you ever been in love with disease and suffering, like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are not virtues, but the most unnatural of all the vices. This love of the common people may please an earl’s granddaughter and a university professor; but I have been a common man and a poor man; and it has no romance for me. Leave it to the poor to pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward to make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know better than that. We three must stand together above the common people: how else can we help their children to climb up beside us? Barbara must belong to us, not to the Salvation Army.
CUSINS Well, I can only say that if you think you will get her away from the Salvation Army by talking to her as you have been talking to me, you dont know Barbara.
UNDERSHAFT My friend: I never ask for what I can buy.
CUSINS [in a whitefury ] Do I understand you to imply that you can buy Barbara?
UNDERSHAFT No; but I can buy the Salvation Army.
CUSINS Quite impossible.
UNDERSHAFT You shall see. All religious organizations exist by selling themselves to the rich.
CUSINS Not the Army. That is the Church of the poor.
UNDERSHAFT All the more reason for buying it.
CUSINS I dont think you quite know what the Army does for the poor.
UNDERSHAFT Oh yes I do. It draws their teeth: that is enough for me—as a man of business—
CUSINS Nonsense. It makes them sober—
UNDERSHAFT I prefer sober workmen. The profits are larger.
CUSINS—honest—
UNDERSHAFT Honest workmen are the most economical.
CUSINS—attached to their homes—
UNDERSHAFT So much the better: they will put up with anything sooner than change their shop.
CUSINS—happy—
UNDERSHAFT An invaluable safeguard against revolution.
CUSINS—unselfish—
UNDERSHAFT Indifferent to their own interests, which suits me exactly.
CUSINS—with their thoughts on heavenly things—
UNDERSHAFT [ rising ] And not on Trade Unionism nor Socialism. Excellent.
CUSINS [ rented ] You really are an infernal old rascal.
UNDERSHAFT [indicating PETER SHIRLEY, who has just come from the shelter and strolled dejectedly down the yard between them] And this is an honest man!
SHIRLEY Yes; and what av I got by it? [He passes on bitterly and sits on the form, in the corner of the penthouse.]
SNOBBY PRICE, beaming sanctimoniously, and JENNY HILL, with a tambourine full of coppers, come from the shelter and go to the drum, on which JENNY begins to count the money.
UNDERSHAFT [replying to SHIRLEY] Oh, your employers must have got a good deal by it from first to last. [He sits on the table, with one foot on the side form. CUSINS, overwhelmed, sits down on the same form nearer the shelter. BARBARA comes from the shelter to the middle of the yard. She is
UNDERSHAFT Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now [with surging energy] question for question. Can a sane man translate Euripides?
CUSINS No.
UNDERSHAFT [seizing him by the shoulder] Can a sane woman make a man of a waster or a woman of a worm?
CUSINS [reeling before the storm] Father Colossus—Mammoth Millionaire—
UNDERSHAFT [pressing him] Are there two mad people or three in this Salvation shelter to-day?
CUSINS You mean Barbara is as mad as we are!
UNDERSHAFT [pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity suddenly and completely] Pooh, Professor! let us call things by their proper names. I am a millionaire; you are a poet; Barbara is a savior of souls. What have we three to do with the common mob of slaves and idolaters? [He sits down again with a shrug of contempt for the mob.]
CUSINS Take care! Barbara is in love with the common people. So am I. Have you never felt the romance of that love?
UNDERSHAFT [cold and sardonic] Have you ever been in love with Poverty, like St. Francis? Have you ever been in love with Dirt, like St. Simeon? bg Have you ever been in love with disease and suffering, like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are not virtues, but the most unnatural of all the vices. This love of the common people may please an earl’s granddaughter and a university professor; but I have been a common man and a poor man; and it has no romance for me. Leave it to the poor to pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward to make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know better than that. We three must stand together above the common people: how else can we help their children to climb up beside us? Barbara must belong to us, not to the Salvation Army.
CUSINS Well, I can only say that if you think you will get her away from the Salvation Army by talking to her as you have been talking to me, you dont know Barbara.
UNDERSHAFT My friend: I never ask for what I can buy.
CUSINS [in a whitefury ] Do I understand you to imply that you can buy Barbara?
UNDERSHAFT No; but I can buy the Salvation Army.
CUSINS Quite impossible.
UNDERSHAFT You shall see. All religious organizations exist by selling themselves to the rich.
CUSINS Not the Army. That is the Church of the poor.
UNDERSHAFT All the more reason for buying it.
CUSINS I dont think you quite know what the Army does for the poor.
UNDERSHAFT Oh yes I do. It draws their teeth: that is enough for me—as a man of business—
CUSINS Nonsense. It makes them sober—
UNDERSHAFT I prefer sober workmen. The profits are larger.
CUSINS—honest—
UNDERSHAFT Honest workmen are the most economical.
CUSINS—attached to their homes—
UNDERSHAFT So much the better: they will put up with anything sooner than change their shop.
CUSINS—happy—
UNDERSHAFT An invaluable safeguard against revolution.
CUSINS—unselfish—
UNDERSHAFT Indifferent to their own interests, which suits me exactly.
CUSINS—with their thoughts on heavenly things—
UNDERSHAFT [ rising ] And not on Trade Unionism nor Socialism. Excellent.
CUSINS [ rented ] You really are an infernal old rascal.
UNDERSHAFT [indicating PETER SHIRLEY, who has just come from the shelter and strolled dejectedly down the yard between them] And this is an honest man!
SHIRLEY Yes; and what av I got by it? [He passes on bitterly and sits on the form, in the corner of the penthouse.]
SNOBBY PRICE, beaming sanctimoniously, and JENNY HILL, with a tambourine full of coppers, come from the shelter and go to the drum, on which JENNY begins to count the money.
UNDERSHAFT [replying to SHIRLEY] Oh, your employers must have got a good deal by it from first to last. [He sits on the table, with one foot on the side form. CUSINS, overwhelmed, sits down on the same form nearer the shelter. BARBARA comes from the shelter to the middle of the yard. She is
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