offending condom, still naked from the waist
down and had to fight the urge to cover myself and my now tiny, red
appendage dangling between my legs.
Snatching the wet flannel from
me, she wiped away my semen. This is no good. Fuck knows how
much is inside me. Oh God, oh my God, I can’t believe this is
happening. This is your fucking fault; didn’t you think your cock
would go down?
I… I did try to say.
Not enough though. So now what?
I get pregnant. Fuck.
Dawn, you won’t be
pregnant.
No? It doesn’t take much, does
it? One little sperm.
Well, we’ll make sure; we’ll
get one of those morning after pills.
Lovely. Don’t they have side
effects? Long-term effects on your fertility, that sort of thing?
Anyway, don’t think you’re going home after this. You can’t leave
me like this; you have to stay the night.
Fuck. Now it was my turn to
panic. There was no way I could stay the night. Either way I was
fucked, I just had to decide which would cause me least pain. I
would have to phone Emily and say I was stuck somewhere and staying
with a friend. No – it wouldn’t work. She would just tell me to
catch a taxi, wherever I was. There was no way she would believe
me; I simply had to go home.
I took a deep breath. I’m
sorry, Dawn, but there’s no way I can stay.
You’re not fucking going home,
not now.
Dawn, I’m not working tomorrow;
I’ll be back first thing in the morning.
No, I’ll never forgive you;
you’re not leaving me, this is your fault.
I left her. I left her curled
up and in tears. I turned my back on her, walked out and left her.
What a bastard. Distraught, I returned home in misery, my heart
pounding.
Saturday 19th January
Emily woke up poorly; I so
wanted to tell her my woes but instead trembled alone in my misery.
I felt sick with worry; my stomach turning over. What had I done?
Numerous times Emily tried to talk to me but found me with my
thoughts elsewhere. If only she knew. I told her I was meeting Paul
for lunch. On a Saturday? she asked. Personal stuff, I said.
I received a text from Dawn, as I knew I would, saying Meet me
at de niros at 12. Don’t let me down. As if I had a choice. And
so I drove over, my heart thumping with dread. I had to take Lola
with me as Emily was feeling too weak to look after her. Frankly, I
was pleased. Her continual talking and humming helped eased the
pain.
Lola and I got to the café
first and took a seat right at the back. We were so early the fish
fingers and chips I’d ordered for Lola had already arrived by the
time Dawn appeared. I saw her come in, looking for me. I could
sense her fury even from a distance. On seeing me, she came
bounding over, taking long strides. This wasn’t looking good.
Oh hello, Lola.
Hello, said Lola, waving
a chip.
So, you didn’t text me; had to
wait for me to text you first.
Sorry, it was just that –
Save it, Rob. Well, you miss
the trip to the chemist. You should have been with me, you
bastard. It was so humiliating. He asked all sorts of
intimate questions. You should’ve been there to support me. It was
horrible. I felt like a slut.
Never have I felt so hated. Oh God, I’m sorry, Dawn.
Daddy, can I have a drink?
Wait a minute, Lola.
Anyway, he gave me this
pill. I was going to take it there and then but I thought no, take
it in front of Rob. Make him see what I’m having to go through. She took the pill in front of me, wanting me to see her putting it
in her mouth and swallowing it. It was 12.30 pm. The packet advised
that if taken with 12 hours, it had a 95 per cent chance of
working. It was now thirteen hours after the act.
What we are doing is wrong
on every level, said Dawn, her face red with anger. It’s
wrong on an emotional level, on a physical level, moral, spiritual,
whatever. I must’ve been mad. I’ve got a husband who loves
me, and he doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve
down and had to fight the urge to cover myself and my now tiny, red
appendage dangling between my legs.
Snatching the wet flannel from
me, she wiped away my semen. This is no good. Fuck knows how
much is inside me. Oh God, oh my God, I can’t believe this is
happening. This is your fucking fault; didn’t you think your cock
would go down?
I… I did try to say.
Not enough though. So now what?
I get pregnant. Fuck.
Dawn, you won’t be
pregnant.
No? It doesn’t take much, does
it? One little sperm.
Well, we’ll make sure; we’ll
get one of those morning after pills.
Lovely. Don’t they have side
effects? Long-term effects on your fertility, that sort of thing?
Anyway, don’t think you’re going home after this. You can’t leave
me like this; you have to stay the night.
Fuck. Now it was my turn to
panic. There was no way I could stay the night. Either way I was
fucked, I just had to decide which would cause me least pain. I
would have to phone Emily and say I was stuck somewhere and staying
with a friend. No – it wouldn’t work. She would just tell me to
catch a taxi, wherever I was. There was no way she would believe
me; I simply had to go home.
I took a deep breath. I’m
sorry, Dawn, but there’s no way I can stay.
You’re not fucking going home,
not now.
Dawn, I’m not working tomorrow;
I’ll be back first thing in the morning.
No, I’ll never forgive you;
you’re not leaving me, this is your fault.
I left her. I left her curled
up and in tears. I turned my back on her, walked out and left her.
What a bastard. Distraught, I returned home in misery, my heart
pounding.
Saturday 19th January
Emily woke up poorly; I so
wanted to tell her my woes but instead trembled alone in my misery.
I felt sick with worry; my stomach turning over. What had I done?
Numerous times Emily tried to talk to me but found me with my
thoughts elsewhere. If only she knew. I told her I was meeting Paul
for lunch. On a Saturday? she asked. Personal stuff, I said.
I received a text from Dawn, as I knew I would, saying Meet me
at de niros at 12. Don’t let me down. As if I had a choice. And
so I drove over, my heart thumping with dread. I had to take Lola
with me as Emily was feeling too weak to look after her. Frankly, I
was pleased. Her continual talking and humming helped eased the
pain.
Lola and I got to the café
first and took a seat right at the back. We were so early the fish
fingers and chips I’d ordered for Lola had already arrived by the
time Dawn appeared. I saw her come in, looking for me. I could
sense her fury even from a distance. On seeing me, she came
bounding over, taking long strides. This wasn’t looking good.
Oh hello, Lola.
Hello, said Lola, waving
a chip.
So, you didn’t text me; had to
wait for me to text you first.
Sorry, it was just that –
Save it, Rob. Well, you miss
the trip to the chemist. You should have been with me, you
bastard. It was so humiliating. He asked all sorts of
intimate questions. You should’ve been there to support me. It was
horrible. I felt like a slut.
Never have I felt so hated. Oh God, I’m sorry, Dawn.
Daddy, can I have a drink?
Wait a minute, Lola.
Anyway, he gave me this
pill. I was going to take it there and then but I thought no, take
it in front of Rob. Make him see what I’m having to go through. She took the pill in front of me, wanting me to see her putting it
in her mouth and swallowing it. It was 12.30 pm. The packet advised
that if taken with 12 hours, it had a 95 per cent chance of
working. It was now thirteen hours after the act.
What we are doing is wrong
on every level, said Dawn, her face red with anger. It’s
wrong on an emotional level, on a physical level, moral, spiritual,
whatever. I must’ve been mad. I’ve got a husband who loves
me, and he doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve
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