Private Parts by Howard Stern Page B

students there. Back then, I used to chain-smoke, so I took out a cigarette, got ready to light it, and this goddess walked by me and said "Hello" and kept walking. Oh, man! I figured she wanted it -- why else would she say hello to a jerk like me? So I walked over to her and she was with Quasimodo again and I asked her for a light. Great opening line, huh?
    "You girls looking for a party?" I asked, after a few drags. As if I, with no life, would ever have known where a party was.
    "Sure, we love to party," the goddess said.
    So we went upstairs. Finally, I had a social life. I had two girls with me, even if one looked like a troll. We were going from floor to floor, no parties. When we got to my floor I said, "I have some outrageous pot. You want to get high?" They said sure.
    So we went into my room and I sat on my bed and the two girls sat opposite me on my roommate's bed. Once again, I broke into my pitiful stash -- my father was sending me only a hundred bucks a month for spending money, so I was always low on funds to resup-ply my stash. There was less than a nickel bag of pot in there and two Quaaludes. I took out a small hash pipe and we started smoking grass. That is, they started smoking grass. I was faking smoking it because grass made me totally paranoid and I wanted to be on top of things if I was going to put any moves on this babe.
    After a few rounds of hits, I looked at the pretty one and said, "Come, sit next to me." Now she was sitting next to me on the bed, but Quasimodo was staring at us from her perch. I was doing a fake inhale on the hash pipe every time it came around to me, but these girls were getting whacked. Then I grabbed Beauty's hand and held
    it. Meanwhile, her blimp friend didn't get the hint; she was still sitting there staring into space. I started making out with the gorgeous one and still her friend wouldn't leave. By now, I figured she was getting paid to be a chaperone.
    Finally, we dumped the friend and went back to Beauty's room. We lay down on the bed, but she wouldn't take her clothes off. She just wanted to make out. We were making out for a while and then she suggested that I sleep with her that night. But she meant it literally -- just sleep with her. I was so intent on having sex with this beautiful woman that I would do anything by this point. Two seconds later, she was out like a light and I was lying there the whole night, nursing a hard-on and blue balls.
    The next day I was talking to some of my friends and I found out more about her. Her name was Beth and I knew at least three guys she'd already slept with. Now I really felt great. So that night, I went back to see her. "I don't understand," I said to her, right off
    
    "Apparently we lived together for a few weeks. My diary said he was sweet, shy, sensitive, one of the nicest guys I've known."
    -- Beth, former girlfriend the bat. "Don't you fuck other guys? Why don't you want to have sex with me?" Some diplomat, huh?
    "Why don't you try me?" Beth said. "Tonight, I'm ready."
    So we went to fuck and she pulled her knees up behind her ears and she was wide open. I went in there and, BOOM, I lasted one second. But at least I got laid and Beth seemed to be really into me. The problem was she was pretty mindless. We had nothing in common. I had nothing to say to her. But she was gorgeous. So I fucked her again.
    The next day I was talking to my friends again and I told them I scored. One guy said, "Did you notice when you fucked her, wasn't there some white shit on your dick?" He got me totally paranoid for a few minutes, but then I realized he was just jealous because he wanted to fuck her again.
    Beth and I had intense sex for about a week. I mean this girl was totally into me. One time she was giving me a blowjob and I was about to come so I pulled her head away from my cock and I shot all over her hair. She gave me this dirty look as if to say, What the fuck
    are you doing? I had no idea she was so into me that she