Private Parts by Howard Stern Page A

eat her for hours at a time. We did sixty-nine all over the place. I wanted to propose to her right then and there, even though I was eighteen and she was an aspiring actress -- very affected. So when camp was over, I kept in touch with her. She lived in Princeton in a kind of communal arrangement with a children's theater group. A few weeks after camp, we got together at a camp reunion and it was magic all over again. We were making out like dogs on the steps, out in front of the whole camp, we didn't care.
    When the reunion was over, we took a bus together back to Princeton. When we got to her house, we were fucking five times a night. She'd jerk me off in the bathtub. I would take her back to her room and eat her out for an hour. I would do anything to please her. I was head over heels in love with her. It was unbelievable. One
    morning when she got up, she was nude and she grabbed my hand and said, "Come with me." I stumbled out of bed and I got my underwear on because I was totally self-conscious about anyone else in that house seeing my little mushroom. She led me down the hall and then she opened a door and we were in the bedroom of two gay guys who were in the acting troupe with her. Leslie hopped into bed with them and she started to get physical and then she turned to me and said, "Climb into bed with us!"
    I was so provincial that if she had been in that bed with two other girls and she had made the same offer, I would still have panicked. But there was no way in the world that I was going to get into bed with two other guys. I ran out of the room, called her out into the hall, and started yelling at her.
    But a few days later, I had a much better opportunity with Leslie and I really blew it. Patty came over to visit us and she brought her new boyfriend. Right off the bat, Patty's stock dropped in my eyes because here she was with this little douchy guy. We were all sitting in the living room and Leslie and I started making out. So Patty and her boyfriend started making out, too. Then Leslie started taking her clothes off and it dawned on me that we could have a group scene going down here. But I was so embarrassed to show my cock in public that I grabbed Leslie and took her upstairs. I blew what would be my one opportunity in life to do something kinky.
    That fall I started college at Boston University. Anytime Leslie called me, I'd run right down to Princeton. But then one night I got a disturbing call from her.
    "I'm breaking up with you," she said.
    "What? Why?" I was stunned.
    "I met this guy," she said. "He's a redhead and I like him a lot. He's got a really big penis."
    I was freaking out. Now my penis was really an issue. She didn't say I had a small penis. But she was leaving me for a guy with a REALLY BIG PENIS. Why was she saying this to me? Was I really that small? I was devastated. Once again, I was a failure with women.
    So there I was, a freshman at Boston University and horny as hell. B.U. was supposed to be a big party school, but I couldn't get arrested. Every girl on campus was ignoring me big time. One day I was sitting in the cafeteria with Lew (yes, the same Lew who was my friend at summer camp ended up being my roommate in college) and
    my other friend Elliot and some other guys and an incredible-looking girl walked in. She was like a goddess. She was built like a supermodel: long, long legs; perfectly flat stomach. She was about five-nine and she was wearing a miniskirt, cut-off shirt, no bra, and platform shoes. And she was with an incredibly ugly girlfriend of hers. Beauty and the Beast.
    They sat down and this gorgeous woman started looking over at us. I had such a horrendous self-image by this time that I agreed when Lew said, "Look at her, she's checking me out."
    "Fuck you, she's checking me out," Elliot said.
    Of course, the furthest thing from my mind was that she was checking me out.
    That night I went to a party at our huge dorm, called the Zoo. There were literally thousands of